Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

🤗 my beautiful bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all lovelies hiyaz ☺

Oh Grandy I love you heapsly too. 😆 you're a classic.

Thank you for a beautiful post they always are you're a treasure 😚

Yes I'm in 💩 creek without a paddle big time. Yip I'm an idiot but ok kinda. Had a widdle cry today and told Mr Deebi how I felt he was lovely and just listened. He's a sweety 😍

It's getting late sweets so I'll pop in tomoz to chat more huns.

Absolutely adore you Grandy darlin. Thanks for standing by me you're a true friend. Best of the besties my lovely 🤗

Hope you and any readers are doing ok well better but ok at least is a starter.

Nigh nite beautiful friend 🤗😚

Always 🗯👀👂🤝💜👩‍❤️‍👩🚜😂 you da 💣

Sleep peacefully beautiful soul/s 🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi...🐻🤗..

Awe Deebi...Honey come here beautiful friend..my wings are wrapped around you..towels on both my shoulders...let the tears fall Lovely one..I’ve got hold of you Deebi...not letting you go...ever..

Im pleased that Mr. Beautiful has a good ear to listen to you..I’m sorry your struggling.....Theirs no way your an “idiot”..hurts to hear you speak like that about you...Please honeyheart...be very gentle and kind with you...Okay..you’ve hit a small bump in the road...we can get you over it first....then straight through it...I believe in you..and have faith in you that you can and will..get through this..🤗🌹..

I have a little gift for you..it’s not much..but wanted to give you this little special heart 💔..one half is for you..one half is for me..It’s especially made by a beautiful mermaid, from her glittering scales... and the amazing corals of the deepest part of the ocean...the power in the little broken heart is powerful and magical....and only works if the 2 pieces that make up the heart are worn by true 4 Eva friends...who are connected by their hearts....When ever you need me sweetyheart..hold your half of the heart in your hand and think of me...then my half of the heart will start to delicately chime...and send back to you a warm feeling of peace, security, warmth from my hugs and my love....🕊🌱...lysvm..yadimh..

Always I will be here for you Deebi..walking next to you, supporting and caring for you...🐻🤗💜..

Please remember beautiful Deebi..you are loved and cared for by so many people in r/l and here..

Good night bbff....I hope you sleep as much as you need to tonight to allow you to wake up refreshed and ready for a new day...a day that’s yours to do what makes you happy..

Love and hugs everyone..💜🤗🤗..

[demonblaster]

Dearest bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 & any readers hi there 🤗

Ohh Grandz you're absolute 🦄. 😀 Thank you so much hun.

Rang real estate today was hard but think I'll be ok cause a spotless renting history for several yrs. That in itself downs me.
The crazy is yes its eating at me and near impossible to borrow pretty big that I already have yet holding up and can't ever or so rare even to shed a few tears like yesterday. I'm really in it biggly yet the pain and depression doesnt seep through or stress tho it is there.
I don't understand why, well maybe cause it's a compulsion that I get so much hope and pleasure from that subconsciously if I allow warranted pain and deep depression I'd have to stop and face it all again

I know any gambler would say this but I've learnt a lot over the previous many yrs and lately still learning the hard way unfortunately but think I could manage control.
After a good win a bit back the next day I was controlled 😲 never before or since but want to. Trouble with any addictions esp majors is you don't at all want to stop.
Lot's to say but I do know theres only one way I can continue is with control. Several times in the last 3ish mths I've completely screwed up.
In my experience/observation our rock bottoms deeper than your average persons being able to handle the stress & devastation. I dont want to hit rock bottom again. Its affecting Mr beautiful. Every cent I have and continue to pay back, owe others too. Feel stink affecting this beautiful man & as he has too I've done right by him when I'm winning including paying back but theres a lot more now. Shakes head

Darlin Grandy that made me feel SO good I just love the 💔 What a gorgeous prezzy. By gum you're good my lady 🤗😚
I've given some more thought to yours too & after I read your gorgeous post to Mr Deebi 😍 I told him mine to you & came up with more woo hoo. Keeping you in suspense my lovely 😊

I backed off for a while cause your psych said to avoid fantasy but you can tell him if you like I strongly disagree hun because having an escape from this purely evil pain is light in a Black place, pleasure where there's absolutely none. It opens our mind's which psychs surely would be aware is vital to cracking the back of pain & depression.

I understand we probs need to face it but to live those depths of pain any way of getting light is a saviour as opposed to the opposite.

Major love honeyheart 💜👩‍❤️‍👩🗯💔
Thank you darlin and all the beautifuls 🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

Please..Try hard not to get to rock bottom...You can fight this..I know you can...we can do it together honey..I’m not letting you go...

Honey...I don’t know much about gambling..except that you can’t constantly win..The machines are made to give you a good size win..then before another win it needs to get back the win plus more...They have to collect more..loads more then they give out...it’s easier to win playing lotto or the lottery then winning the pokies...I’m not scolding you Lovely bbff..it’s just that I care and I’m getting worried about you so much...and can’t give you face to face support to help you...

Deebi....your beautiful man..cares and loves you so much..and you him as well...he, like me doesn’t want to see you hurting in anyway..and I can feel your sadness so much in your previous post...I just want to hug you until the hurt leaves you..I’m sorry I can’t do that for real..

Your a good kind, caring, lovely, beautiful person honey...Don’t let the Beasty tell you any different..or [IT]xx will have to deal with me...💪🤜👿🤛...

Im pleased you like the little present...It’s a reminder to you that unconditionally I’m here for you...through happy, sad, depressed, tough times...2 half ruby hearts make up a complete beautiful golden heart..stronger and more powerful then anything Beasty or the world can ever throw at us....

Please be okay lovely bbff...cry if you need to...I’m right here drying your eyes, holding your hand and thinking 💭 about you.. dear soul spirit sister..

I wish you a beautiful restful sleep...always..

Yes Deebi...I agree with you..I need my fantasy, my escape from this world at times...it’s a beautiful place in our minds that’s safe, secure, protective, peaceful and full of love...🐘🕊🌱🐉🦄🦋🌸🌺⭐️💥🌟...

Sending you my deepest love and respect dearest bbff..🐻🤗💜..

Love and hugs everyone...💜🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...

[demonblaster]

Hi sweetyheart you're the absolute best of the best 🤗

Love you so so much thank you for another beautiful suppirtive visit.

We just home and it's quite late so I'll bbt my darling just wanted you to know 👩‍❤️‍👩💜😙🗯👀🤝

Adore you honeyheart 🤗

Thank you 😊💜

[demonblaster]

Beautiful Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 hi everyone ☺

Rock bottom in this situations devastating as is whats going on. It's I guess when you've exhausted all avenues over yrs mths or however long you've held the dam wall strong then it bursts and all the pain & depression you should have felt each time that was any opportunity and remorse etc hits you boom all at once. Even then once its sorted or even during the times I recover quickly. Addictions are mothers of demons, they cause so much pain and sadly usually affect so many more people.

I'm in pretty good debt but manageable just. If only I could apply this strength to beasties Black depression. I guess rock bottoms equiv to a break down of sorts. It is incredible how strong we can be if we have desire and reason.

Somehow I'll get to a better place with this. I'd like to achieve control but at what price. As mentioned I've basically picked up where I left off which was pay packets going through each time. Some inheritance etc. Messy and yes guilt there but you can't change the past. We can learn from it which I am slowly hard to believe I know and we can change our behaviour and attitudes. I don't have as much excitement if I can keep the lid on that it'll help.

Grandy you're a very intelligent (have always thought that of you and knowledgable) lady, you were bang on about how they work. Today was apalling its tight for a Jackpot soon I'm positive. Most of the time I can read if they're close or a machine will pay. My probs greed and moving off them which Im improving on.

One of my besties is helping out with rent she knows they'll get it back & other borrowed $.

There's things I've learnt but can't say here in case it encourages readers.

😅 sick it to beatsy Grandy babe 💪🤛😈🤜that's my/our 👼 🤗

Your deepest love what beautiful wording and so true from me too sweetyheart you're the best. Thank you from very deep in my heart for your incredible friendship and love.

Oh and thought of some more for your 🎁 this evening it's shaping up well my lovely one.

Everyone ... hope is when there's a chance of change... there is because we have the power and ability to learn how to take control.

Wishing for internal peace for you Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🗯🤝👼 and everyone 🤗😚 ☺

nigh nite ☺ darlin thank you for your very kind comments 🌈

[blondguy]

Hey Hey DB 🙂

I was just about to hit the hay and noticed you posted..I havent been a part of your thread...doh!

Can I ask how you can post so well using a cellphone?..with all the emoticons and paragraphing so its easy to read?....It would take me about a week to post what you just have....

Thankyou for being you DB...You are wonderful 🙂

Bear Hugs

Paul

[geoff]

Hello Demonblaster, I too am very sorry I haven't been a part of your thread because you're such a lovely person and seem to have a great connection with Ggrand and the comments to others are always so endearing.

Any addiction will do anything to distract your mind from the issues that need your attention, that's how powerful it is because it creates false scenarios by denying us the fact that there is a problem and believe that if we continue maybe the turning point solving our satisfaction, unfortunately, it doesn't, it only goes 'pear shaped'.

I feel very sorry for you because you're such a kind and thoughtful person.

Thank you for the lovely comment you have made on another thread and sincerely apologise for not doing so much earlier, a good friend had told me about what you have said, and thank them for doing so.

We do have regular people on the forums who are gems to the site, and you're one of them.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Deebi,

I've got my mother hen hat on lass.

"Addictions are mothers of demons, they cause so much pain and sadly usually affect so many more people."

You are an intelligent lady, you can see that addictions cause suffering. You know you don't need to gamble whatever beasty is telling you. It is beasty driving your actions, but you are stronger than it.

From one addict to another.... I want to remind you Lass you have stopped before so you know it is possible for you to stop again. I think you need to look at why you started again.... what triggered you.... perhaps even what are you trying not to face.... I'm sure your wonderful Mr Deebi will be willing to help you find a way out...but don't forget that there are helplines if you feel you need to talk to someone not so close.

Lass you will always find support here no matter what.

Sending you huggily hugs

Paws

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🐻🤗..

So many people love and care for you..draw their strength and hold hold onto all of us...

Please don’t guilt...guilt can hurt us more then depression..it’s a strong emotion...not wanted or needed in anyone lives..The past has gone lovely one..Please don’t think to much on it...Today is all that counts...and you are so much stronger then you were in the past..believe in you..like we all do...You are stronger then you think you are..

Do you love Mr. Beautiful enough to confide in him and ask him to help you?...I’m certain he will understand and help with your addiction...If Mr.beautiful suggests the club for dinner, maybe explain that you would prefer to cook for him or go elsewhere...at least until you feel you have beaten this...If Mr. wants to go to the club...Please bbff...let him go..tell him your sorry and wish him a great time...he will understand because he loves you...

I have checked the internet and there are a lot of help out their to help you..you don’t have to do this alone...please bbff...maybe you can check them out..

No no Deebi...they are unreadable..A machine might pay a jackpot twice a year...Little wins to pull you into playing them, then the expectation you feel of winning the big one to keep you playing...to keep you putting money into the machines...and into their pockets...

Sweetyheart...it’s okay...breathe..relax..enjoy a lovely walk..don’t let Beasty into your beautiful soul to whisper things that are lies...Your a beautiful person..having a little step backwards atm...If it was a tug of war..Theirs only one Beasty pulling you backwards...but honey theirs so many people on the other side pulling you forward..We will win and Beasty can land in the mud hole...We all got you, love you and care so much about you..

Always..with you my beautiful bbff..unconditionally and everlasting love I have for you...💜🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🐻🕊🌱..

Kind thoughts, love and hugs to everyone..💜🤗🤗..

From the words of your friends..you are a wonderful gem..Gems are precious treasure..just like you.🦋🌹🕊.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🕊🌱