Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Hi loves ☺

I'd love to say how I feel/felt my god! Wish I could.

Unbelievable how low and messed up you can feel.

Torture and torment are both strong descriptive words which are a start. At least got a solid 5 ish hrs last night. Waking up way too early and couldnt get back to sleep. Honestly if I go back into another episode I don't know if I could hold it together added to how I feel now even on the improve but still in a devastatingly hard place. I can function and converse joke etc but IT's taken as it usually does so much out of me.

Want and need to cry but it seems the meds I think are preventing good wrenching sobbing although its so hard to explain this is so deep and yes depression but theres different stuff going on so its hell but not deep depression but it is. See what I mean its so hard to explain. Some tears coming out so a little wincy unload.

Grandz the op site no pain whatsoever and no issues. Gut though bloated horrid feeling was quite a mess a couple of days ago. Slowly getting on top.

Body all the muscle pain areas are coming along well thanks sweety for asking and being so caring you too Paws I love how you both have been so nurturing.

Paws I'll gladly take you up on all of the above thank you. Feeling pretty bloody raw and depleted but ok.

I think the best approach for this craps jyst not thinking about it.

It feels like my minds been poisoned. At least more tears.

SO hard to explain.

Thanks going to try for more sleep later try some art and prob not walk as such but get out in the beauty of nature or just out.

God why!

Love you Grandz thanks but you're in a hard place too. We're in this 🤝

At least this time hardly any scenarios of being hurt or arguments or too many ptsd mems and catching them moving them along before too much damage.

I'm not sure what's worse, the wicked deep Black depression or this but either way I've gotta get on top of it all.

Had this before it's so hard to explain.

I'll be ok and thank you 💗

🤗👩‍❤️‍👩💜🐾🤝🗯😚⚘

[monkey_magic]

Hey beautiful bunny,

I like how u said the best approach for this craps is just not thinking about it....

It can be all consuming...but then when u turn your attention to something else all of a suddent it's not so consuming.

Im continuously contending with how I feel and it helps a lot to reshift the focus. Of course we need to acknowledge the feelings too.

When u say your minds been poisoned are you referring to the meds making u feel that? I have this med induced sensation in my mind and i often think they are poison. Just my opinion though. Or perhaps the depression is overcoming your mind.

I can't wait for you to lift out of this mess.

You are really good at describing how you feel.

Its tough being limited hey. I'm right there with you sister.

Ill give you one of my paintings as a gift. Get well soon xox.

MMx

[Ggrand]

Dearest Beautiful Deebi....

Im deeply sorry for you...poor bbff..

A thing you do for me when, I’m doing it really hard is...is to hold my hand honey and breathe with me..it really does help...If you can close your eyes,,think of the ocean and the way it breathes....Big..well medium breath in for 4...hold it sweety...then out to relax....Good girl..again now...in....hold it and out to relax...three more times Deebi....then relax....

Your strong Deebi..I know I’ve said that countless times..that’s because you really are...please believe in you...beasty lies honey...I/we don’t...Big 🐻 🤗...

It is hard to explain how we feel at times lovely..I think I can understand how you feel...I’m sorry your feeling that way..my heart is crying for you bbff...Please hold on Deebi...This will pass soon honey...I know that doesn’t help much atm...

Try to have as much sleep as you can...please...It sometimes puts [IT]..asleep for a while....

Deebi...yes honey please don’t think about the crap..beasty wants you too..come on sweet bbff, you can do it...try hard to think of goods only...Can you please ring your mh bloke or a lifeline....to release some of your pain...or maybe write the goods in a journal, or re-read our fantasy pages...Please be okay bbff...

I so very much want to give you a for real cuddle...so you can feel my love and care for you, instead of just listening to words....

You can and will get on top of it honey...I have faith in you..I’m sending you a beautiful rose 🌹 that has uniquely different coloured petal...each petal you pick sweetheart, is a good memory...I’ll go first..the first petal reminds me of when we went to the magical pond high in the clouds...and we slid down a slippery dip..over to the next star 💫 and into the pond of glittering water.....Your turn now...what does your petal remind you of?...🦄..

Please be okay...always..yadimh...awyis...sss...lysvm..💖👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩.

Ill pop back in later today or early evening to check on you...Holding your hands Deebi...with super glue and ribbons 🎀....

Love and 🐻 🤗....precious friend..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼🐻😂💜🎀🌈🔥🐉🔥

[demonblaster]

Hey Magic and Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩🤗

Thank you very much both for your beautiful support.

Monks poison with overwhelming all consuming deepest depression.

Thanks the paintings really kind.

Good of you to say. It's near i possible to explain properly what it feels like. Fragmented is a good word too.

I absolutely hate and find it incredibly hard to deal with restlessness. It affects me deeply.

I feel deeply for you with your sitch with meds. Up to date at yours 🤗 Bunny 💗

Grandy 🤗💜 I breathed with you thank you darlin.

Nice analogy the ocean. I'll try to remember that one.

Good thoughts ringing MHW but it was too deep most of the time to ring anyone else. And I was too deep to be able to explain where I was at and didnt even think to ring was jyst trying so hard to breathe. I found energy but was incredibly out of sorts and without energy if sense in that. I did ring that bloke yesterday, I was sure it was the day before, I lose teack of time in these. Through the call through slightly changed plans the other day which annoyed me because others just joined in so I said I just wanted one on one esp with my head ehere it is. I could feel my mood darkening and changing from bloody awful to worse. Anger was welling up & frustration. I said at one stage I'll choof but came good again sort of. Doubt he knew that was going on. He cancelled that I thought might happen which is ok so made same arrangements for Sunday. Palm Beach sweetyheart looks fantastic and would like to see the keeper (true story but not in this frame of mind) and the dog one. Fast and furious be good too. If he cancels Sunday I can go alone nxt wk.

I was exhausted. Realised yesterday in the thighs and today how much. More solid sleep sarvo could barely cope this morning. With effort found energy to do littles.

A while yet but feeling better than this morning & yesterday & ?.

This makes hell seem like a holiday seriously. At least more in recovery. I could barely even want to eat or watch TV was in such bad shape.

Lovely Rose thanks darlin 🤗 Our flight on Deendy in the clouds. Then amongst the water with all the flowers around. So often I smile and laugh about your bag.."now where is it" you were looking for something in it. The love I feel thinking about you and that.

😭 I'd relaxed Grandy. Really thought for the first time ever I was out unscathed at least on that end. Mongrels serving daggers. I had 2/?4 days normal Didnt feel like mania before this.

Big love 👩‍❤️‍👩💜💗☺

[Paw Prints]

Hello DB,
I have my mother hen hat on lass. It's good you are trying to get the zzzz'ds in, but lass you also really need to eat. If you can't find the where-with-all to cook something could you perhaps get some sustagen[?] , just to make sure you are getting enough goodness. Food really does affect mood as well as energy levels & when we're deep in the battle zone we use up so much more energy.
Lass could you try putting post it notes on random items, like fridge, computer, loo door, whatever... with the help line number so when you are in deep you have something to see to jog you to ring them. They are very understanding & it is ok if you can't put in words what is wrong or why its wrong, they are good at just being there for you. I have called them when all I could really do was sob & struggle to breathe or get words out, they do help.

I'm still here with a shoulder to cry on or a hand for you to hold.
If you are having trouble sleeping tonight, just a reminder the cricket is on.

Huggiest hugs

Paws

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

Sorry honey...not sure what you mean..re restlessness..is it your legs, mind or body..poor my bbff.

I’m pleased that you breathed with me..at times I breathe with you..it helps so much.

I can’t imagine you ever been angry..your just so sweet..maybe I’m thinking that it’s your BP..effecting you that way...Not sure but I think each time you’ve been angry you’ve been in an episode...BP try’s to take over the person we really are...I really do understand changing plans and extra people joining in can be a big lot of stress on us..when we only want one on one....It’s okay beautiful to be angry..we are allowed to be...deep breathing maybe can help calm you down I think..not sure bit I think anger is a kind of stress relief for you...I just cry out of frustration..I really don’t understand anger..although I’ve had a lot of people angry at me through my life..it’s hard for me to be.

Awe honey..it’s so hard to get our energy/ motivation up to do things, if we’re in a downer..that’s okay to do nothing, just rest your poor body..but dearest bbff...please sweety you must try hard to eat daily, even if it’s some fruit or I often do a yogurt with added chopped up fruit...banana, strawberries, apples..it’s yummy and healthy...and of course water.

I really hope you’re feeling better then yesterday...Oh not sure if your into cartoons...Tinkerbell on tonight...I haven’t heard of Palm Beach or Keeper..I’ll google later to see what they are about..If you do go and watch..I hope you enjoy them.

I’m sorry..you went down when you thought you not going to this time..it will happen one day..I believe if anyone can that it will be you....I think most without mh live their lives in moderate mania..just my thoughts.

Please be okay my dearest friend...yadimh..always..and I lysvm...and your awyis...soul, spirit sister...I’m pleased you liked the uniquely coloured rose...when you feel down..pick a petal and try to drift your mind back to our fantasy trips..their are more new ones to come..I need to put beasty buster beanie on, to choof it of..then my fantasy escape thinking 🎩 on...Then away we go.🐉.

I cleaned the cob 🕸 of my 🚜..So I’ll pop over your tomorrow morning with a healthy breakfast for you honey, we can start our day together tomorrow and that’s a recipe for a better day...Love you Deebi..💖💜..Big 🐻 🤗.

Love Paw’s Mother henning you..💖 what a beautiful heart, our Paws has.

Love and hugs everyone.💖💜..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼🐻🕸🤝🤝🐉🤝.

[demonblaster]

Hey there Paws 🐾 Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 & all ☺

And what a lovely hat it is dear Paws 😊 thank you very much 🤗

If I don't eat I've said to people they'd know I'm in a bad place 😆. I did but took everything I had to get to the kitchen and do it. Fave cheese on toast with marmite. Found littles of energy by movement. Can't believe how hard and fast I went down like a ton of bricks. Yip I have occasionally called them. Mixed but mostly ok. Tbh not always.

Agree with what you're saying and its a slow turn around but I am starting to eat healthier. Long way to go but at least its happening. They're doing more studies on the benefits of healthy eating and mood as in mh. I thought they knew that but it was yesterday I think I heard they're learning more, maybe becoming more conclusive and the correlation to gut health and mh which makes sense too cause some or all? Happies chemicals are made in the gut. They knew that too.

When I'm in that deep I've always had a very hard time ringing or talking to people, had a few rare attempts and been shut down, worst possible outcome when you're on the edge. I don't even think too it's so consuming. I do like the idea of putting reminders around. Heard that before here it's wise thanks hun ☺

Thanks so much for your care. I hope you're feeling brighter dear Paws 💗

Todays a milder form of depression and able mostly to eventually catch running thoughts. Arvo sleep was average but I need so much more.

Anyhoo on the way back.

It caught me by total surprise this one I really thought and it seemed like I was coming good.

Grandy love I hope you're managing to make some sense not that that's probs what'll hapoen but coping. Always love always 🗯 and 🤗 I wish so much too 👩‍❤️‍👩💜⚘🕊

[demonblaster]

Hi beautiful heart 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone ☺👋

You're a love aren't you 🤗Thank you for being there always. You're true magic 😚

Restlessness in the head mainly not as much bodily although that was going on on bed I couldnt get settled was so so out of sorts. Thank goodness it settled but to follow was/is far from a party. Geesh ☹😬😩😔😓😟😢😭😦
Very slowly coming back.

Thanks saw some Tinkerbell and also Condarella but similar times. I watched some with you. Arent they incredible.

Oh Grandy I'm parting with news you or anyone else may not be too excited hearing but I'm in a lot of pain, gotta share the love. Have 2 I think boils ick. Ones on my buttocks, there I was a lady. Not being with the words I'm popping out though😆.
Might do the heat compresses I read up on google. Geez its hurting. A distraction from mental pain 😆I can do without. WOW! Others under my arm pit. Joy!

Palm Beach and Doggy one I think sound good for you not sure about the keeper though. Probs just see Palm.

Lucky peeps if they do live in moderate mania. Not sure although it might be very moderate. People well a lot don't appear that content and happy not to say you're wrong sweetyheart. I like hearing your thoughts and ideas.

Yes I've been having yoghurt and fruit again. Yum.
I'm eating it was just I didnt have the energy or not exactly desire just any decision was near impossible. It takes a few days to get over the disarray let alone the emotions back in order. It's so deeply painful and puts you in a whatever state like shell shock on a different level doesnt it.

Good ole beasty buster beanie 😅 and you got your cobweb out 😂thanks gorgeous I'd so love to see you and D&E will be ecstatic.

So sweet Paws mother Henning 😊 loved it. Btw Paws absolutely 😂when you said Crickets on, didnt know if you were joking and meant it to help me sleep but it would 🤣 and of course thought of your thingy pack. Flat pack that's it ☺

Love you Grandz so much. Deeply appreciate you and everyone here too & bb of course 💗

BPaly honeyheart always

💜👩‍❤️‍👩🎁🌈🕸🐻🤗👼😻🐶

[Ggrand]

Hello my Beautiful Best Forever Friend 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

And then you came into my life and gave me reason and some happiness, and care and love....👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💖..

Oh ouchy Deebi...the boils...I understand so much about boils..I get them mainly in summer...I know when I have to much fresh yummy cream cakes I get a few...even without cream I get spontaneously..I’ve had samples taken, but no real cause was found...I’m sorry you’ve gotten them...Dr said they need to run their cycle..about two weeks until they pop then they fade out....Please honey dont squeeze them..although they are too sore to..squeezing them can start a cycle of them popping up anywhere on your bod for a while...Oh yep a great unwanted distraction😂😂..and a wonderful lady as well...💖....Stress Sometimes I think brings them in..,Dr says blocked pores..I hope they heal quickly for you..and no more..

Chatty mind..restlessness..body restlessness..oh honey I’m sorry..that would be very hard to cope with..just my thoughts...not over heating bbff?...

Thats okay about not eating on occasions only...I often do when in a hard place..that’s when I have yogurt or custard...Love custard and jelly..haven’t made for a while..usually summer for jelly....

Sorry sweety I didn’t get to yours with breakfast this morning..needed to get some more butterflies 🦋 out of it..now it’s up and runnnning...vrooom...I made some baked chicken sausages...chips..veggies for dinner tonight with a yummy pepper gravy...I’ve put a plate of it in your zapper machine 😂😂...

Im sorry I made a mess of your home...I know your sheets are on the floor, clothes everywhere, lounge cushions on the floor..I looked first in my 💼....but none😢....then I looked under your bed, in your draws, in your fridge...behind your lounge, in between the cushions..I couldn’t find any..um I need to find some because I’m craving it..Then I found some hiding in your dressing gown pocket...I hope it’s not your last chocolate...but I needed some...I swapped you a weetbix for your chocolate 😂..I hope that’s okay😂..

How are you feeling today Deebi..Truth..Please..Mentally and physically....🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🤝..always listening to you,,,thinking of you so much...always here for you💖...

Not sure honey, are you going to movies tomorrow or an out?...How’s your beautiful mil feeling...I hope so much you are both really okay...

Big love for you bbff..🐻🐻🤗..double bear hug..honey.

Love and hugs everyone..💖🤗

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🤝🤝🤝🦄👼🐻🤗

[demonblaster]

Hey gorgeous 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all lovelies 🤗
Oh Grandz it's so sore the one on my botty. I read after trying to pop it.. not too.. oops. Think it might be infected. Yes they have to run their course. Can't even stand the word blaghh and I've seen a great deal of stuff nursing. Mongrel thing. Also said it can be bacteria in a hair follicle. You poor thing having a lot. Shame no cause found. I too think stress contributes to most of our probs. Hurts like a beep 😄😬 really hurts the swine.

You're so funny I do love your humour and you for that matter, have I mentioned that 🙄 Ok here's the deal Mrs bbff that was my last 🍫 so now that I've recovered from my 4 days of solid 😭 I'd like the Weetbix 😂 and you to stay longer. Roightt then that's sorted.

Wow loven tea thank you sweetyheart yum LOVE MEAT mmm and chips oh yeah baby. 😆 hope you got the 🦋 out though they can be handy to take flight when you vroom to turbo but it is hard steering in mid air. I find there's not enough traction.
Good thought lovey but no I've had that awful restlessness before. It's really the deep pits I feel like I'm going to go nuts (too late 😆) that was the main by the sounds side effect of the other pills but also take mania so no no no not a hope Mr Psych. Frustrating he wouldnt diagnose other stuff. I get BP overlaps but sure of some other things. Big sigh 😔

Wow thanks I'd forgotten about tomoz but have been thinking of it before today. Have a feeling he's going to pull out again. Might text and see if its still on. Tomoz yip. Monday my beautifuls.

Grandz been meaning to say my arms are healing thx but fair skin they take an age. How bout you?

Thank you lovey. Comfort knowing you're with me every step andlistening 👂beautiful. This morning was rough. Fluffed around listening to gentle music & "calm" thats beautiful. Thought of telling you about different ones and ,fb haven't been for an age so they helped distract. Another big sleep. God it's so harsh isnt it. Few smatters of tears no floods, more solitary ones I thought can I spare it..out of one eye, how so generous.Thanks darlin ☺
Apart from botty I can handle the armpit one just, and other pains eased. Top of arms a bit average still think rotator cuff not neck or syrinx related.

You too Grandz you're one of my main top reasons. Love you so much Floss 🤗👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤝💗🍫👼,🌱⚘

BPaly sweetyheart 🐻🤗 Absolutely a good hug/cuddles good therapy for the soul 💗