Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Hey Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 Tweety 🐥Paws 🐾and readers 👓

Really thank you so much amazing kind good people 🤗supports such a boost.

Tweets that was as always and I know you're doing it hard sweety beautiful posts. Cracked up at the beanie 🎓wow I'm impressd & yet another apprentice I've taught extremely well. Hope you used the heat resistant needles, I light my 🤒smokes from them. Planning this to be last pkt again sigh 😧

Thanks for your kindness &what you said huns.
You're one I think of with love often. Hope beasties playing nice... as if! 🤗😊

Paws ☺you're another very kind supportive person I'm so glad to have met.
Oh so thrilled you caught lassie etc off your Mum via (G.father) Absolutely love it. It has a warmth & comfort to it ☺

Thx I got about 3 hrs sarvo no sleeper. Thats a key to when I'm coming down.

Good hearing I don't sound barmy I know how it sounds & feel I am to a considerable degree but thankfully still rational if theres any sense in that. I only managed a bit of crying this a.m.

GP. I nearly gave myself a heart attack (jokes) thinking the bus was an hr earlier so huff puff good bit of extreme sport 🏃‍♀️💃.
Made her 😄 after I got off the scales after telling her exactly how it is with depression what goes on, cause when I sat down I quietly said NOW I'm really depressed & the wrong one 😆
She and mindspot (ms) wants me to see a psychologist. And she wants me to see a psychiatrist. We laughed when she looked at me funny when I said for yrs I asked for a bomb 😂 then added to sleep. She's relatively new (v.thorough) to GP, liked her honesty. Apart from more diagnosis. I want a 💣for sleep. Going to wait a bit.research first more & write why I think/sure of a few other MH. It'll be skype.

Heard last psychiatrist also as another did diagnosed type 1. Other said 2. I think 2 now but ? 1 was earlier days I feel. Huge difference now but not with the depression so much. (maybe a tad)

I picked up and holding it together IT hasn't got a hold. A lot of work but if I can hold throughout I've turned a MAJOR corner tho dubious about future eps. Realistic not being cynical. Either way still incredibly hard work but at least starting to choof the mutt maybe.

Always love your posts Grandz and you that I may have mentioned once or twice. Bbl darlin thank you sweety I know how hard you're doing it gorgeous 🤗👩‍❤️‍👩💜,Everyone thank you from deep 💗

[demonblaster]

Hey GG 👩‍❤️‍👩 and all ☺

Clothes, good thought but that was a few days ago. This was a different pain.

Noticing at times like now some on L side from shoulder area which is/was nerve or related. Thankfully it goes. Still a bit in arms but at least easing.

The love and care here is so comforting. Thank you everyone 🤗
No results yet at GP I asked them as well as the hospital on phone to request. ? not done yet or ?

Opposite yes & I think to be aware if it's right too. Trouble we believe easily seeing things in a negative light.

Ohh so beautiful the Golden crystal shell & the words from my beautiful friends. Thank you...all 😍☺🤗

Yes they're coming quicker. As long as I have mania & now learning from & to get things done. Those times I do more research & 100 other things too 😅at the same time😉close but do have several things on the go at once.

Psychs going to want to give more meds ☹I want to try a 💣 4 sleep first esp in view of starting maybe to turn the corner. God knows the pains not what I want but without it I won't heal and strengthen. GPs talking of reducing the mania..I shook my head..no no noooo. Never ever an option. Different if I was out of control hurting people.

In bits I've researched. Will more (lee lee) I'd like to know why hes saying type 1. Apparently no psychiatrists close by anymore hence skype. Dunno full story ? not taking on new people. I'll ask around. Doesn't matter tho. I know one left.

Meds seem to be holding the tears. I'd love to have that release although exhausting tho that's part of why we need to. Thanks keeping my circulation 😅

Beautiful Grandz holding me and swabbing my 👀. SO comforting truth☺ In my heat, what lovely wording.

I know you're still hurting but so glad you're through the worst beautiful love 🤝

Thanku SO much for everything love you so very deeply 🤗
👩‍❤️‍👩💜🌱

[demonblaster]

Just heard from todays test for mil the doctors very concerned about something he removed and others. CA cancers the concern.

We'll know in a couple of wks. Not liking it of course but waiting to see what the result is tho not at all looking good.

Ok sort of just wanted to say.

🤗

[Paw Prints]

Dear DB,

So sorry to hear about your mil. Will keep fingers & paws crossed it's not serious.

Sending hugs

Paw Prints

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

Im really so very sorry to hear the not good update for your beautiful mil....I’ll be praying for the very best for her dear friend..if that’s okay....Talk here or mine if you need to...I know how much big love you have for her....

Much love from me to you bbff....

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...💜🤗🤝🐚 🎀 🖋. 💞..

[demonblaster]

Hi lovely/s ☺Thank you both very much

I've been grieving in preparation since my love passed intermittently. No favors mentally but I guess my way of partial self preparation if she leaves before me.
Age is a major factor. Her hearts damaged too. Best to wait and see. On my mind of course

Hoping it eventuates her staying here for a wk +, soon depending on her health tests & my MH is the main hold ups

Can't let this pull me down. It's the first time I've had this better mindset. Soz a lot of repeats. It's also reinforcing for me & if new readers. I've managed to amongst a few hards this episode hold up so far. I try to remember reigniting the mindset I had this mania.
It's helping to be more aware of when I'm going down on thoughts to catch & pull back up.

Beasties trying but had a lot of positive thinking lately's helping too.

Atm I'm mainly choofing not ideal to rid them but saving for now the deeps. As mentioned I'm at the point I can't go back down hard anymore for fear of imploding or worse which I doubt but who'd know.

Last night I remembered & think some other times (Peps) suggested to Grandy acknowledge thoughts calmly tell yourself I'll think about it later in better headspace. I choofed it last night then said no emotion and tried to recall the thought but couldnt but said later I'll deal with it. Been talking to the thoughts more. Bit harder atm not allowing emotion but getting there

Last eve exhaustion was in my thighs. Yesterday on waking for a while my eyes felt they were back in my head.

Good sleep With sleeper eventually.

I haven't yet fully come down still have energy. I need it to handle beastybrat

Have to keep believing & acting on techniques. The depression more than not is crippling. I can & will do this.

Loved that you crossed your Paws 😄

Grandz thanks beautiful 🤗 The poor darling she said the other day she's not saying much but very worried. She suffers severe at times anxiety.

Looking forward to seeing besty and her partner visiting today. And she has a 🎁I know what it is. Hope it works but dubious.

A little stressed about MS to get it done in the wk. I have some more BV to finish too trying not to let anxiety take hold.

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...

Deebi...honey..I’m again truely sorry about your loving mil...even though I haven’t met her or talked to her I’m feeling so very sad for her....I started loving her after you started talking about you mil...my heart is hurting for you both and your entire family..🤗..big hugs dearest precious friend..I wish I could be there for you..😢...

Please sweety don’t ever apologise for repeating if you have you need to release here beautifulheart so I know where your at with your mh...and physical health as well...

Yes it was our gentle Peppy tgat talked to me about thoughts waiting until in a better mindset...I’ve done successfully a few times and some unsuccessful attempts..like everything else it takes want, practice, and preserving with trying over and over again...until we can do it...I’m proud of you your trying different things...Your want is strong lovelyheart...

It takes time coming down Deebi, and all your friends are here to talk to you and support you...because of our love and care for you...

I found MS was very difficult for me to understand..maybe sweety, when they ring you around lesson 4 . Tell them you don’t have a printer and if it’s possible that they could send you the lessons out in paper so you can have after your coarse finishes...They did that for me, and now I read often and learning at my own pace..🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...Please try not to stress over the course...

Deebi...I’m standing in front of you with a stern but very caring face..hands on my hip and tapping my feet, just taking hold of both your hands now and asking you to please..please..Don’t wait to get your niggly abdomen pain hernia? Please get it checked out as soon as you can..

You can do this Deebi, I believe that you can, your growing stronger within yourself to do you self talk..I at times really yell at beasty to Choof it off...your mind is stronger then beasty...

How wonderful your day will be with besty and her partner, I am happy for you that they are visiting you today..I really hope you enjoyed your day today with your beautiful besty and her partner...

Pubaok..dearest friend, your in my thoughts 💭 very much today...awyis...yadimh..lysvm..💜🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

Im keeping my eyes on your thread dearest friend holding your hand and my big ear is always superglued to your thread....

Sending you lots of love, bbff💜💜💜🤗🤗 and many hugs also to everyone who needs them...

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🌹💭🌟🍫🌈💫✨☮️.

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..

I have posted to you dear friend but I think held up in a traffic jam..

Love Grandy👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜🤗

[Ggrand]

Good Night beautiful Deebi..

D..Deebi is our heroine, soft caring and gently holding our hands.

E..Everyone that gets to know our Deebi, is truely honoured by the person she is.

E..Even though none of us will possibly never meet you😢..your compassionate, love and care for us is pure gold.

B..Beautiful is you soul and heart, beautifulheart suits you perfectly.

I..I will hold you deep in my heart and be forever your friend...as I know the other here also do.

Last night when I was trying to sleep my mind drifted off to this beautiful calming place.I hope u like it like I did..

High up in the sky, sits Deestarbi...The brightest star 🌟 that shines at night..As we are transported to that star 🌟by our little fairies, we walk to the teeny weeny door and as we open the glittery door we are mesmerised by the glittering star dust air as it encircles us with nothing but the purest golden peaceful tranquility stardust that feels like a giant warm hug....can you see the tiny flecks of golden stardust, their weightless floating around us..They start circling you and landing all over you gifting you with peace, warmth and loving care...Oh....look....over their..the stardust is taking you to the golden star dust lake and waterfall.

You lay down in it, as you do you feel like your just floating...looking straight up you see the star dust dancing....as they dance, the words, peace, ☮️tranquility,🌈love, 💜and care🤗...being formed and then slowing begin floating down to the stunning star dust lake which are then being absorbed into your beautiful heart and soul...Which is pushing beasty out of your mind so these golden star dust words can take all the places of all your thoughts as they push away all your hurt and pain..Peace is starting to take over your entire body, making you feel so free of everything bad and filling you with the love 💜and care🤗 that we are all giving you.

Tonight dear fiend your bed is the star dust lake...as you fall asleep in the star dust lake tonight you will be covered with a healing star dust blanket and feel so comfy, as you feel like your peacefully floating and feel so safe and protected as you have a brilliantly deep healing sleep..like you’ve never had before..and dream of the sweetest, purest, things that this universe has to offer you because beautifulheart you so much deserve them....and when you wake tomorrow....you will feel well rested and have a lovely peaceful day....💜🤗🌟🌹🌈✨💫⛅️.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...💜U..bbff..

[demonblaster]

Hiya beautiful BBFF & other lovelies 🙂

Thanks so much sweetyheart you really are such a great friend, love and appreciate you immensely.

I know I told you but just want you to remember she sent her love back. I rave about you and BB. Thanks Grandz about repeats. Appreciated my lovely.
Yip not looking good but I'm waiting till we know for sure.

I had a lovely day thanks we always do. She's such a beautiful fun person. I worry about her health. Partner didn't come he was crook poor bloke. We love each other very much. Clicked from the word go. She's another that's very easy to love like you.

Grandz I can't believe but wrapped I'm holding up so far. Proud I didn't lose it be rude or swear with either the ph bloke or the shop guy today and definately well within my rights to and had good reason on both accounts. Not overly fazed either which is good.

Yes I'm having some success with our beautiful Peppys gently suggests when I remember and as opposed to the last BP that the thoughts absolutely slammed, this one they're certainly there but spaced out more and I'm able to have time to handle them just got to get out of the habit of blocking. Also starting to manage choofing rubbish thoughts, is it worthy of further thought then off you choof into the bin.
A friends Psych told her a good method. Imagine boxes around your head and put thoughts into the appropriate one. Knowing me they'd be all mixed up 😄

Thanks Grandz very comforting having lovely people caring & supporting (( )).

I have to get ink for the printer, checked I can get it cheap online. Need to do it. I'm downloading it all. A lot of reading but very good and clear.

I until tonight just before didn't click to tick boxes in the one with a pencil icon so I'll check back in the others tomoz and finish off which mostly I've done now. And been busy and sleeping when I can.

Today I felt for a while very agitated and tense and had chest pains wasn't feeling in a good mood but didn't want to be that way and pulled out.

I knew you'd say that about the niggling ? hernia. I'll keep an eye, atm it's ok. My arms are a concern because both only certain movements but quite sharp. Might choof I hope.

I've also been reasoning with thoughts which is helping and looking for positives Wolfy explained at his. I've been meaning for ages to see how he is. Think so often and miss Mandy too.

Thanks always huns 🙂 and everyone.