Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Paw Prints]

Hello DB,

You really are amazing lass, your ability to give to others regardless where you're at is wonderful.

What a busy day you have had. So glad you enjoyed your catch-up and your mhw sounds like a gem. I hope you're not trying to do to much, I see you choofed beastie this morning, but I get the impression you are struggling. I know you want to 'be there' for everyone else, but please remember you also need to 'be there' for you.

Glad I'm not the only one who takes ages to write a post. I delete so many attempts & do so many re-writes before I get to the point where I figure "this is as good as I'm going to get it".

Oh... and to answer an earlier question. No I'm not scottish, but mum's dad was, so I have picked up odd words & phrases from her.

hugs

Paw Prints

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi...

I just so much needed to say thank you...

and let you know I’m okayish...

and to wish you a really beautiful deep sleep and lovely dreams...beautifulheart 🤗💜..

Sending you my love..💜💜 and lots of hugs...🤗🤗..

Ill try to be here tomorrow.....pubaok..yadimh.. awyis.. lysvm..Truth..🤗💜🌹🍫..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🐆🐅⛑🤝👂👀🍫🌹

[demonblaster]

Hey Paws and Grandy 🙂 lovely seeing you both thank you. Hi readers to 🙂

Paws I learnt not to allow frustration in poor MH times attempting would be an apt word lol. Phenomenal at times. Although at times it sneaks in but I don't allow it to grow and self talk breathe it out and calm myself. It creates more head block.
Sometimes I find doing something else stimulates me to focus more when I come back, other times I challenge myself and have been happy about being able to push through and a new energy comes in. Satisfying not letting it beat me, mind you as friend who keeps very active said once if you spend hrs posting what else are you going to get done. I guess time management which I'm starting to think about and have been doing a few things but then I'm still in mania when EVERYTHING lol gets done, not nessecarily finished mind you

I really appreciate your posts and many thanks for what you said. I really do want to help people but I'm in poor headspace so often it's getting to as you said I'm starting to be compassionate to myself too and look after.

I had a great day. Lunch with a besty. We see a lot of people we know.
I went healthy oh yum I'm in love with the think it's smoked Salmon thinly sliced, they used to do bagels but they weren't moving and didn't keep long but this was better it was on aTurkish roll with creamed cheese Aeoli (sp ?) lettuce and caper berries Red capsicum and something else $10 & a Chai latter, she's got me hooked on those.

Also saw again and some of the special group friends I haven't seen for ages, it was fantastic so I ducked off for a tic to greet hug and chat. Beautiful people.

I hope your MH's giving you some kindness as you do for others. I agree with our gorgeous Grandy, your posts are really good. Worth the effort for sure.
Take care Paws 🙂

Grandy ya gorgeous, oh darlin you're doing it hard aren't you lovey. Keep looking for the positives beautiful, they're there and if that's just too hard, remember sweet friend this will pass and you are making headway. I know now most including you can get through to the other side. Never give up on yourself precious friend I/we won't ever either on you.

Love you very much, thank you coming in, sweets that's ok if you can't I know you love and care deeply and what it's like.

PubAok Grandz you mean so much. Take care of your beautiful soul treasure 🙂

Nigh night darlings. Hope sleep comes easily and restful.

Cyaz tomoz (( xx))

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful DB (and a wave to all),

I’m so happy for you that you have gained so much from CBT. It sounds like it has made a lot of difference, and I love your willingness to learn 🙂

Can I ask if you will continue to see the same psych as you clearly have a great rapport? Sorry, I wasn’t sure if you meant you would still be seeing the same psych (but just not focusing on CBT anymore) or that you won’t be seeing him/her again...

I’m loving how you’re getting out and about again. I know you like to socialise as you’re fairly extroverted (if my memory serves me well), so it’s really encouraging to see you catching up with friends and re-engaging with various people offline 🙂

Your chai latte must have been tasty! I love chai, but I have found that the quality varies a lot.

I feel it’s inspiring and kind that you share so much of yourself in posts. I know you put your heart (and time) into your loving words. Although I know you do feel frustrated that it takes a lot longer than you would like...

Thanks again for being the kind and funny person that you are.

We love you xoxo

[demonblaster]

BP day ?

Thanks beautiful Peppystar 🤗 hey 👩‍❤️‍👩 Grandy 🤗 and readers 🖐
You're very kind darl and so supportive.

Unfortunately no psychs's winding down.
I just wish although I have and do but not regularly enough the things she taught me that I remember some stuff I couldnt get onto not intentionally it's getting the jalopy to start then moving it. Mania helps no end

Xuse me Peppy. Grandz I finished the room about a wk or so ago. Stoked but have other jobbies in there for laters

Yes memory serves you well I'm extrovert only ocassionally quieter depending who's around and where my marbles lay 🙃

It's been good Peps being out. Now I'm learning to like myself a bit more and to live with myself I can see how easy it is to coccoon esp in depression. People can make or break us and as we know how much harder in sensitive-er 😅 times life and people can be.

Thanks Peps really nice of you saying that ☺ yes in mind block times and BP parts it can take an age. I like the goods in it though god knows needs to be something 😆 perseverance concentrating harder achieving also eased up on not feeling as much the frustration but oh yeah it's a true case of are we there yet 😃

Hope your plodding along on better ground darlin really do you so deserve peace 🤗.

Oh have you done those reams of that extra homework on hugging dear Ms top 🤗 apprentice 😜 that I express posted 🐢 to you on Tattles the turtle.

BP. Lost more than a couple of days in memory doesnt matter tho I try to remember & sort of journal here. I remember an anxiety attack and tinsys but not much.

Starting to come out of mania. No sleeper last night. Woke earlier than normal was a beautiful mania. Sarvo sleep no med either.

We'll see how it goes. Because in mania now I'm aware to learn from it how to cope and experience what can be I'm sure of. I'm getting a determined pisitive mindset. Hard as still and worse at times so far but I'm hoping I can come out of this relatively unscathed tho beasties biting a fair bit I'm starting to talk to negatives. God this is bloody hard but worth it.

GP tomoz. Bodies a bit average but it'll pick up esp with weight loss.

Thanks listening and care ☺
👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤗😚

[demonblaster]

BP day 10 (?12)

I woke a bit after 4 am. Shouldnt be on here because it'll stimulate me. I doubt if you'd classify crying as stimulation. These AD's don't allow a lot of tears. I need to for release

No idea if the they're working I was suss them raising my serotonin ? bring on more BP or higher highs

I've been to the very edge a couple of times this cycle not suicide. Its hard I say to people having MI talking about stuff they could be thinking nah shes off her rocker. I'm rational and do have clues. I think/hope people that care have more respect for me but its always in the back of your mind. Maybe paranoid but historys proven it & listening to what people talk about others often its an opinion.

I'm determined to not go down with this mongrel this time but it's kinda happening. At the very least I need to hold my sanity even if it has to take me down to the usual depression.

No sleeper. This is the cruel part it doesnt let you get what you need. Living in a head that wants to destroy ya. No joy but I'm taking bloody charge now! Maybe it sounds barmey but I'm not 😭... yet! No other words to describe. It's like evil just popped its head in. That & physical pains undone me but ok ish now. I need & want to cry for outlet. Not feeling stressed. Had a beautiful calm this mania.
Last couple days the odd bit of tension edgy little impatient usually I'm good like waiting for this to load.

MS therapist said ring 000 if I'm low and cant handle. Said all my life I should have with BP. I probs wont ever. Recovered each time. No harm to me or others as an adult.

For now suicides out of equation whch is the ultimate down. Part of me wants to destroy me. Again I know this sounds crazy but atm at least I'm talking from a sane mind. It really at times is like the devils inside. I'm not talking about the wicked depression. It goes deeper at times. I feel a presence of something so incredibly evil & powerful. Maybe am crazy but thats what goes on but I dont think I am. I cried pain but not depressed exactly atm. It's like ok no suicide u can go insane instead. I can and will survive this & turn it around. God its hard

Thanks listening going to try and sleep more. GP today.

What's downing me is both upper arms are hurting on movement I've done sweet ba to stir them, my backs crap when I get up and leaning hurting a bit. I'll be ok just atm pretty average.

👩‍❤️‍👩💜🤗🤝

[Birdy77]

To the beautifully caring, huge hearted, generous and loving Deebsta,

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.

Please can I sit here with you and remind you of how very loved and respected you are and how much you mean to this community.

You such a genuine, warm hearted person who gives so much of yourself to so many. Give yourself some of that love and care now.

We are right beside you.

With much love,

🌻tweets xo

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...

I’m really sorry your doing it so hard and your feeling so much hurt and pain from beasty...Birdy has written you a beautiful caring post..Please believe the love and care that we feel for you..Just a thought dear friend..doing clothes is heavy work, constantly folding or hanging them maybe not sure could have hurt your shoulders a little...Geez I wish they would hurry up with those results getting to your doctor...🤗..

Beasty doesn’t deserve even a millimeter of brain...it’s like a parasite that grows in us with each negative thought..We have to think the opposite of EVERYTHING that it whispers in our ears...and that’s really hard to do...Beautifulheart next time you hear it’s whispers, place this gorgeous golden and crystal shell 🐚 to you ear and hear mine and your other beautiful friends words of love and care..telling you what an absolutely caring, beautiful,compassionate, lovely, gentle soul you genuinely are...

You can do this Deebi...The episodes are coming to you very frequently, that’s beasty trying harder because you are winning against this horrible illness....

Please cry Deebi...if you need to..let out the pain and your letting out bits of beasty...I know your strength sweety...You might not be feeling it at the moment but it’s there...I’ve heard it in you before and I’m hearing it now...Your taking charge of your thoughts right now..let me help you all I can...I’m holding your hand as tight as I can without stopping your circulation🤗...

Deebi...honey close your eyes...feel the warmth of my arms around you...as I dry and cool your hot sore eyes with our cloud soft cloth....In spirit I’m with you, in my heat you’ll stay beautiful special soul spirit sissyter....All your friends here are holding your hand..because your such a very caring person to us all...let us help you through this beautifulheart....We our number beasty..

Love you Debbi/Demonblaster...I know in my heart that you can do this episode downer...🤜👿🤛...It does pass over us..bloody hard while we’re trying hard to get to the other side and it’s so very much worth it....believe in you precious friend like we all believe in you...

Sending you lots of love and as many hugs as you need/want...I’m sorry Deebi, that you’ve been doing it hard and I haven’t been here for you...pubaok, awyis, yadimh, lysvm 💜💜🌹..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🐚🌹🍫🤜👿🤛....

[Paw Prints]

Dear DB,

I'm hoping you managed to get some more sleep. Lassie you don't sound crazy to me, you simply sound like you're really struggling at the moment. Its not barmy wanting to cry to release your pain, I've been there myself & know how hard it is when you can't.

How has your day been, did you make it to your GP appointment? Please don't feel you need to reply. I get you may need some quiet time, so if you like I'm happy to just sit with you & maybe we can do our slow breathing together.

Be gentle to yourself. Sending you hugs.

Paw Prints

[Birdy77]

Dear Aunty Deebsta,

I found the secret pattern you left for the beastie beanies.

I knitted you one in 11.4 seconds.

Would you like try it on?

Ready Please Mister Music?

❤❤❤

🌻tweets xo