Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

ahhh thx Magic, need them atm & did smile amongst a few flowing tears. ( Exhaustion, been very rough past close to 5 mths, going to bed soon & just for a change, bit sick again but ok)

Sorry to put a down on our play, I can always laugh but just threw a mini vent in for good measure lol

Hey watch those branches ahead esp in your dazed state (my smiley)

[monkey_magic]

Let those tears go, nothing like a good release after an exhausting rough patch, been there. I'm a past victim of abuse so I know what rough patches are lol...the wrong ppl treat u rough in this life, it happened to me.

Have a good sleep 🙂

But through tears & venting I think I got through it, or it might come back, what ever way its important to rest up so I'm glad you are. I'll have to read more of your thread to learn some more. I've read a lot about your BPD. Hard stuff but you are riding through it so u must have inner strength there. Im in awe of you to be honest. U describe it so well and manage it, deal with it and live....I deal with highs and lows and need to manage myself to be on an even keel, it would be easy to give up but never. I couldn't. Just have to stay put through it....

Enjoy your sleep 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

[demonblaster]

Thanks Magic 🙂

Feel free if you wanna talk here bout your life

I get so angry how some mongrels treat people, sorry for your horrid crap you've been through, sounds like and kudos you've pretty much got through it and more on top than under, that's mega strong.
I believe we all or most have the goods in us but as we know the beast is so powerful. Pricks. (no lady here, and boy am I holding back lol)

Yeah I'm ok about crying thx for smileys too 🙂 god I could fill a swimming pool, too much, but recently realised it's not weakness as we stupidly think starting in our youth, it's an outlet of emotion, good or bad. Stress release.

Thx that you wanna read more, Ditto on others threads, slowly am also reading few latest posts I'm learning more about their grief, makes it easier aye to be able to understand/support.

Mostly I've been lucky in life, magic parents, dear Dad died when I was 18 living/working away from home in another city in NZ, which was a massive hit, lost my darling of 28yrs to leukaemia in 2015, BP downs I equate accurately to heavy grieving so last 4 yrs have been heavy with partners sister same yr and two other friends & more since & before, but didn't know I had strength until so many said I am, now know I am. Working on it too everything for that matter. Major overhaul.

People being people though had plenty (moved around a LOT in OZ lived/worked with many) dunno must have a sign on my head, a.holes, go for it....target...but I stand up for myself but ya know VERY FEW actually say why they give me a hard time. Blokes mainly, sigh, but mostly I get on really well with people. Lucky a lot of love/like. Doesn't do anything for low self esteem but learning to build that too, GUNNA WIN, & recently I think have taken suicide outta equation since loss of darling cause I know now it's the BP depression, depression full stop.

Learnt recently BP has far higher sucide rate than any other MI, I tried 4 times (teens) late age diagnosis.
I'm more than a rapid cycler (4 or more a yr) I have 8/10 major cycles. Joy 🙂 getting stronger though, has to be positives in crap aye.

Thx listening, that's a roughy nutshell. 🙂

Tc

[monkey_magic]

Hi demonblaster,

Ill agree that u r strong. Bd, deaths, blokes giving u a hard time, yep that takes strength.I believe we can still be strong during the weak times as well.

Ive been through some similar things to you & its a shame we've had to fill up swimming pools but I think it gives u a sense of satisfaction and adds to your character onces through a rough patch. It' s really good that the tears are releasing as well...

Blokes give each other a hard time & then pass it on to us, not fair. I've had my fair share of male banter, sexism, abuse etc, not nice. That's why I got out of one of my jobs, couldn't cope with it. Sometimes u just want to feel safe.

Self esteem can b rebuilt. Until its torn back down. I learnt if I didn't change my environment I would forever have low self esteem so I stepped out of those environments. Comes at a cost but worth it in the long run, as they say life is a journey not a destination...

Sounds like you have support around u which is good and boy do u deserve it. So much you've endured & continue to.

Keep your heart strong & wishing you luck on that grief journey. I've had many grief journeys ( death, breakups, other loses) & continue to so am filling that pool up with you.

Love monkey

[demonblaster]

lovely thx Monkey, I agree with what you're saying

Low self esteem I've recently realised it's one of depressions tendrils, a stronger one
Mine was rock bottom starting at about 9yrs, beautiful parents, was people, so called friends pffttt but to be fair they too were young.
Pretty sure if not BP all life something else pulling me down, I remember same deep depression at times in very young yrs but fortunately as a kid we have easy distraction so they didn't last long.

Yeah I"ll never understand why people wanna put others down, heard it's their insecurities but says a lot about them, we have em and don't feel the need to put others down. Belittle.
I worked amongst majority blokes cutting T.tree in swamp,God eye opener to OZ bush coming from Sydney, city all life till then, YIKES, think all the insects & helicopter size flyers smelt new blood, we'd be sitting in a circle, few of us and they'd beeline for me. Much pain there, daily untold bully jumper ants & the Red ones the whoppers, multiple bee stings once, spider bite, nearly got crushed by falling tree & I live to tell the tale lol. Met my sweetheart there so good outta hard.
Good you got out, only a couple of nursing jobs outta a few the staff were B's so I moved on, actually second one I stayed & worked out ok, sadly where ever we go there's that small minority of mongrels. What's the point as you say in being unhappy aye.

Truth, when we can look back & say we got through roughies, we should pat ourselves on the back aye. The mind in downs pulls up every friggen hurt. Happy to say starting to say yeah/nah, just the depression trying to pull me down (working so far) stoked. Dismissing it

:) our pool, pretty average aye at least we're releasing stress which needs an out, it compounds, pulls us down. IT's maybe a wired energy that if it's not used (adrenalin) for it's purpose if it stays inside, not healthy.

Self esteem I'm pretty sure to build means liking ourselves, if we do then we get a shield for confidence.
Do you like yourself now?

Nice chatting with you magic.... magic 🙂 thx for calling. Sorry I didn't give you some choccy cake lol, anything sweet doesn't last here long.

[demonblaster]

Survival:

Matter of fact self talk: Head was starting to go South today in bed, thoughts constantly downers and mentally said Nah that's depression wanting to take me down, not having it.
WORKEDddddddd. Was really firm.

Also said in the mania (mind seems to open up, bloody amazing) still rational, same style, "I'm NOT goin down in this one" Firmly, meant it. For most I've read the downs are first, I have them before the mania but worse is after, unbearable.

Had some understandable sads being up at MIL's (mother in law) where we spent a LOT of time (late darling partner) & BP brings the downs on harder or digs em up from past & realised it's depression full stop that does this. IT's always deep but just to what degree.
NOT THIS TIME. Felt my mind making up & esp lately happy to say not accepting leaving as an option anymore that is was lately for quite a while. That's a lift, so there's only one way to go now. UP.

Not an overnight thing, & we'll see how it goes, but if I keep reiterating for belief & do believe it's possible contrary to a psychiatrist, mmm, it can be done.

The exhaustion use to be hitting the wall and it'd push furthur till total exhaustion, over the yrs I've pulled the highs down & don't quite hit it tho still do have exhaustion or as now deeply tired, amazing what stamina we do have

Also working on the list, life changing event, gunna get stuff happening, instead of doing nothing in between.

IT's happening, I believe I can do this, would love to be able to keep the mania though, may not be able to damn.

THink it could be about gaining equillibrium. Very much like Ying and Yang.

Ta 🙂

[Starwolf]

Good morning DB,

So good to see you retraining that rogue mind...The more you do it, the more momentum is acquired. You are one brave soul !

So hard to keep on top of overwhelming grief so...well done.

Can't hang around much. A full-on weekend (work) that has turned me into a blob. It might take a while to start making sense again. Meanwhile, I'd better take it slow.

Just had to let you know how proud of you I am and wish you a great Wednesday (yeah, I had to check !).

[demonblaster]

ALWAYS happy to see you 😄 Rock, sounds like you've got a stack on, know exactly what you mean about what day it is lol, I had mini arghhh what days tomorrow yesterday tell ya bout it later, excited.

You'll be proud of me and thankyou, >3 (heart) touching you being proud of me, mean it, I know I keep raving on but you mean so much to me, just hope I can be here for you too or make you happy like you do me.
Btt (back to topic) gunna be looking after doggy, YIKES haha you know my doggy fear (shaking emote) she's a beautiful well trained Lab so ... smiling with trepidation. AT least I know her a bit

Hope you're getting the NBN sorted

Take really good care friend. (( If you want these hugs ))

Thx for calling by 🙂 always appreciated x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB,

I have a fair bit of catching up to do on your thread...which I will get around to in good time...

I just wanted to pop in to say thank you for your beautiful words of support (especially the second post) on the 1 Oct. Thank you. That single sentence (or 2) was perfect.

Catch up later but in the mean time, I'm sending you gratitude.

Love,

Pepper xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[demonblaster]

Hey sweety, hope you're feeling better, hate that you weren't travelling well xx

Thanks so much darl, lovely to be appreciated, I mean stuff I say hun, you seriously rock.

Looks like I maybe in trouble, hacked dunno for sure yet so maybe afk for a while. Pricks.

Take good care darl, you're worth it.