Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi again,

Oh no, that sounds stressful. Hopefully you manage to get it all sorted.

I appreciate ALL your posts to me but the one that I especially wanted to single out was your very last post on my thread (I meant to say the two on the 2 Oct...oops). Thank you again.

All the best with it. Sending kind thoughts your way.

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB,

I'm deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved partner and your dad when you were 18. They must have been incredible people and they were lucky to have had you in their lives, and lucky that you honour their memory.

I realise everyone is different but I personally feel grief and loss is just one of those things that stays with you. I mean, sure, maybe the feelings associated with the loss ebbs, flows and evolves over time but it's there...

I don't have bipolar so my personal understanding of it is admittedly extremely limited. But the cycling between moods sound very draining- I admire how you're trying to stay on top of the downward spiral.

I hope one day you will achieve the sense of equilibrium that you seek.

Gentle thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

you're a very supportive sweet person Peps, thankyou darl

I went back & reread the posts you mentioned & so glad you got something outta them, I don't say stuff I don't mean so it must be true aye 😄 You rock, simple as that chooky xx

Thx for you genuine sorry for losses, yeah agree it stays but the severity lessons, I think when people die and people hurt they've done well in life for them to have so much like/love. We don't have to achieve great things or have celebrity status to make a difference, Dad was soo long ago and it still bites, Mum too but I could accept that she made a great age & from nursing geriatrics before training you see a LOT of death as with other nursing jobs, terminal too (Palliative care) that there's times its a blessing in disguise. Ripped me that I couldn't get to Mum in NZ because I was a gambler compulsive but kicked it over 13 yrs now, thought less but just realised but so glad after lot of pressure got to see her before she left.
Someone said recently you're never alone while you have the memories, WOW ..sound.
Gunna try and have sleep, still trying to catch up but mood holding, think I"m on the way to kicken this, time will tell.

I'll flop in to see you sometime near future hun xx
Hope you're feeling a bit well lot better

Thx for visit

[demonblaster]

Survival:

Been coming down from a pretty YUM GOOD buzz (mania) & been a long one due to lot of people stimulation.
The downs were a bit during stay at MIL's (mother in law) use to spend a LOT time there with late darling, lot of ghosts but knew it was worse with BP down but hackable, knowing helps so didn't allow it to bring me down for long, but ok to allow thoughts, love doesn't die

Other times down thoughts have tried their best but allowed them then as Starwolf said but in different way I thought about other stuff, so pushed them aside & inner voice saying NAH that's just depression trying to pull me down. Has worked so far.

I'll know for sure when I recover from this fully, up to wks recovery from deep tiredness close to exhaustion but ya pull up to not go under which can put ya back into BP mania which it did once only a day though but it carries through, all good though. So far really happy with progress. IT'll be a first ever if I can get through this without anymore grief.

Belief & hope & determination good fighting tools, joked recently with brother saying I'll probs just get a grip on this then croak it lol but at least I'd leave on top, my goal 🙂

Thx time listening (Y)

[startingnew]

HI DB

catching up on some threads here

how have you been? sorry i havent really read backwards yet

[demonblaster]

Hey darls thx for dropping by good cya,

Yeah considering everything, doing really well, determined to blast these demons & looks like this might be a very positive step in right direction, said to myself with the tough no nonsense inner voice I'm NOT going down this time. Working so far and soo friggen tired but amazing how long the body can keep going, at least getting some sleep even if it is comatosed lol. Having the odd sleeper but that's ok.

Popping into your joint now xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi DB,

You really are very aptly called "demon blaster"; I mean it as a compliment 🙂

Your mum and dad sound like they were amazing people. It must have been painful to not have been able to go to NZ for your mum. But as you said, they both live on in your memory. Forever and always.

The BP depression/low mood must be draining. You have a great attitude about how you're trying to manage and get on top of it. Your determination and resilience will push you along, I'm sure.

Congratulations for being 13 years of free of your gambling problem! That's an enormous achievement.

"Demon blaster" indeed 😉

May you continue "blasting" those inner demons.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[demonblaster]

Hey Peps thx for your caring ongoing support

Yeah got over to Mum bit before she passed, she had dementia & I could see her trying to work out who I was, knew she knew but couldn't make the connection.

Arghhh now's the really hard bits of BP, was and going to keep at the positive not gunna let it down me but feeling pretty average atm and teary. Around people but may have to just take some time out soon and get the head where it was in mania apparently, everythiing's doable in mania, this has been a long cycle, getting sleep but feeling crappy, so gotta change thought pattern I guess. If I think or acknowledge feeling crappy that's how it'll be but clearly got my work cut out today.
Gotta get back on top.

[Starwolf]

Hi there, dear DB.

I'm glad you are at least getting some sleep. Manic phases are exhausting so depleted energy needs building up again before much can be achieved. Kicking back without being dragged down is the challenge, isn't it ?

Nothing wrong with taking time out (that's what I'm doing atm). It's about taking care of yourself.

I hope dogsitting will go well. Labradors are generally not much of a challenge. Just watch out she doesn't train you to feed her every 5 minutes...

Sending heaps of love your way, to help you pass the day.

[demonblaster]

That's beautiful Star, thanks for the love, feeling it.

Yeah I think it is best to not try so hard to fight atm just redirect thoughts and feelings, had few tears but been out shops with brother and just walked lab with him too. Really enjoy our chatting we talk about all sorts of stuff, love him deeply & other too but this one very close & sil we get on well too and have chats and good laughs all of us.

Lol yeah it's inhaling food aye Phooey can relate when it's chocolate for me, poison to dogs.

Wanna tell ya some more stuff but too open here.

You OK Rock? if you're taking it quietly wondering if you're a bit on the blaghh side.
Thankyou as always dear lady, your kindness friendship & time you give others & me is so comforting. Hope you know what a difference you're making.

love back at cha (holding your hand) hugs if you want too xx