Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Hey peeps 🙂

Status: Live in fear of bad back out fortunately this is medium to 3/4 which is kinda improving but worse too. Yeah contradictive, still rough, scared whoopless of getting hooked to the heavies pain relief but gotta keep walking to keep/improve core strength that's def stopped it being worse but still needing the suckers, at least the pinched nerve's in neck settling so did one of the stengthening excercises but couldn't do the really hard one (Ahhhh what a shame lol) aggravated back so will see if it stirs up again. Need to build muscle their too. This also was about 3/4's approx very painful but not unbearable like first one recently.
Back every step hurt like ... so no choice had med.Massive cry in street with pain/BP low/exhaustion but an outlet. Walked down hills like a snail & did the whole lot probs double time to usual stayed slow after meds kicked in hoping to not aggravate it more. Did one of the whopper hills amongst others too to make up for not yesterday. Happy did it all, quick words/laughs/smiles with people good for ups & stress release.

Survival:Going to go back to good Mindfulness thread, learning how to not be all day here, love it but won't get other list stuff happening. Excited about starting it, hope it's not just the mania saying yeah I'll do it then don't, still midway in cycle probs so first will need badly to just recover (coma sleep 🙂 & will take a while to organise. Have got a few things on it that I wanna do daily or couple times in wk. Think this is one of the rare times tho in mania that I make up my mind. Short lived sometimes but better than nothing. GOTTA push through the wall. Cement but breakable with will.

Mood, thanks to Starwolf (always excellent reading) re: mindfulness to "keep bad thoughts at heel" allowing them then looking around at things WORKED as it does for her.
Also trying to learn not to allow self pity, deadly dangerous it avalanches from there but then sometimes is ok to maybe release a good cry for outlet.

There done, and still some characters left. There's always hope lol

Thx listening. Hope your days are good or at least better

[startingnew]

Hey db

Will get to here just about to walk into trauma therapy

Breathe in breathe out walk in

Hugs and hugs until i can get back here

XXoxox

[demonblaster]

Good on you, yip keep the breathing happening.

Hope it goes ok hun

xx

[startingnew]

Hey DB
sorry its taken me so long to get here. Im sure you understand


I agree, trying to respond to long posts on phones are really annoying, thats why I generally wait until im on my computer to respond unless they are short posts.


Nah you havent commmented in mind, but theres no pressure at all just a suggestion :)


depression is a cow! It always comes to get us when we least expect it. Thats why its called a shadow


just keep doing the things you like, good at and want to try to increase your self confidence.


Physical pain isnt fun and many suffer, some more than others and it seems youve copped a lot of it. Itll be a good discovery if they can find a cure for degeneration and other internal things too.
Take you time doing things and only if your up for it. Buiding muscles take a lot of time too so dont expect results onver night.


Good for you for wanting to start other things on your list. I love being here too but there has to be a balance between being here and being in reality.

[demonblaster]

Thanks hun

truth being here and in RL (real life)

No probs at all, no pressure, just when & if you want

btw was it this thread that you had a trigger? Understand not peeved (( ))

Posted earlier in yours probs be afk soon, wrecked.

Thanks for support and compassion, Yeah had a VERY hard time intermittently over several yrs with the back and now the neck carrying on. Pain Specialist early Nov, not being negative but realistic, it's not gunna be good news but have to take it as it comes, not much I'll be able to do about it.

Go easy darl xx

[startingnew]

was that the post where you said you would be back later (bbl)?

it was this thread and another thread. the other thread was worse but dogs are a trigger for me so they both clashed at the same time. if it hadnt of read the thread before hand i wouldve been abit better here but im sure your aware once triggered everything goes out the window for a bit.

im honestly freaking out about tomorrow! but ill leave that to my thread

hope you get some rest and sleep well

sending some sweet dreams and comforting hugs your way

xoxoxox

[demonblaster]

Starting I believe you speak from your heart. For example if you read your last post here above how lovely you are, not only are you a good communicator which is a great thing, look at your sincere wishing me well when you've got sooo much on. Because you've been over the yrs and present drowned with depression that buries self confidence it's very hard but doable and needs repetition constantly & belief that you have the goods hun. It's a massive do and start to gaining self esteem which confidence grows with which gives us a shield.

Tomorrow's getting closer so time not stopping, you'll soon be there and getting closer to results.
Ok I'll check out laters, off to Doc in tic

Thx big sleep & needing untold more.

Survival: Started to come down here and there, BP's very up & down depending on how much stimulation's going on and there's a lot of people & activity so not pulling out of cycle yet, opposite woke up & had the pump for a while which is mmm mmmm I think this was more adrenalin mixed with yeah feeling good which is ok for now, getting extremely tired which is norm but thing is I HAVE to stay UP while being around people, HATE letting rot out on others or being a sad sack around them it's a downer for them and feel bad if I vent in anger which really try not too unless someone's being a pratt then let's go. They deserve it then but still not wanting to lose control anymore.

Been thinking going by every single past cycle and by God there's been untold that this down is gunna be a doozy but SURVIVAL's saying nah wrong attitude, I've gotta convince myself & esp that now I have a new system to work on (list) that this is the beginning of winning over the tragics.
That'll take practice but must put it into practice, teaching the thought patterns, cause we follow our thoughts I guess.

So time will tell but for now that's what I'll work on and keep as busy as I can for distraction to get through the hell side & exhaustion. Busy atm so that's ok but need to get sleep as often as po,that I can't so much through day & holding atm but phooo wearing down.

Thx

[Just Sara]

Good morning DB;

Chooky Sez start the day with a smile. 🙂

Birds are chirping, sun's shining and my heart's full. What more could a girl want? Sending all these things your way to inspire your day. Ha! It rhymes!

Lots of Lurve...

Sez Chooky xoxo

[demonblaster]

right back at ya Chooky 😄

& how good is it hearing the birdies twirping, haha puts me in a very peaceful happy place, not the sqwarkers (no time to think how to spell that one)

Mwah thx sweet thing

Keep this great happy up 🙂

[startingnew]

Dear DB
ive been told that quite a lot, though I dont really know it means persay. I see a lot of people write the way I do so its nothing special. Self confidence is one of the hardest things to build. It takes a lot of time but as you said its doable.
No use commenting on 'tomorrow' as its already today and its already done. Its on my thread todays events.

how are you today? how did your doc appointment go?


Sending lots of hugs to you
xoxoxo