Surviving: Being in a better place

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂
Thought this thread might be of use to talk about your stories if you like and where you're at now.
In a better place.

I have Bipolar, (BP) pretty sure all my life. Wasn't diagnosed, I approached them thinking I have this at age 46.
The ups (mania) are magic, ying and yang (opposites) evident with BP & in many other ways.
The downs, crippling. Still ..but I'm DETERMINED to beat them with time & effort and professional help.One of the psychiatrists said it can't be beaten, I say cause it maybe hasn't been done, doesn't mean it can't be.
Have come an incredibly long way so far.
Long way to go probs but HAS to be sooner rather than later, else this mother of a demon will get me, I live in fear of going under the line again which majority of the time the head goes South but looking back at those times knowing I got through & that it's not always like that helps.
SO many good times, happy times between.

The cycles have gone from Rapid cycling (4 or more a yr) to 8/10 a yr since the loss of my beloved partner of 28yrs to leukaemia.

My teens starting at 14yrs I attempted suicide 4 times.
You're in hell considering, contemplating & ultimately attempting suicide, we're going against our strongest basic instinct. Survival.

Wanted OUT, couldn't see anything but Black in my head, no light, no way out, no other choice, the depression beast had me engulfed as it does most of the time in cycles now too.
Rock bottom. The pits.

I've learnt a lot one thing is it doesn't stay this way.
Sleep's vital. We don't get a lot or quality when down, it affects how we feel usually in a negative way.
Life's so much harder when we're tired and exhausted, we see feel & react to things differently
That part of our brain that works at pulling us down, I think with everyone, not only mental illness or disorders

Self esteem rock bottom, still working at it, it's true we have to like/love ourselves works as a shield.
Great loving good parents lucky

If I'd known in suicide yrs I'd meet a beautiful loving partner and have so much love from family, friends and happiness between the downs, I wouldn't have attempted.

BP downs equate to heavy grieving alone without it on top.It slammed but now I'm looking back and Yes still hurts, always will but we owe it to ourselves to keep going. We don't know whats ahead and nothing stays the same.

I know that now.

[demonblaster]

Yeah the sh issues would be major, do you know why you do it, I have a niece with 4 boys, ALL Autistic and at leas 2 ADHD as well. Her sis sent me pics WHOA, thighs, talked to her on msg'r & told her about here, must check in again actually.

Yeah I lost the darling in 2015, 28yrs, we were happy deep love, it's a gambit of emotions & BP (B.polar) holy s... it's equivalent to heavy grieving in itself on the downs so was double whammys & I'm more than a rapid cycler (more than 4 times a yr, heaps more) but getting there.

Doc said migraines think cause some go for days, but thank god over those full blown ones. Phooo bad news aye

Sweet no hurry & if it's too hard all good darl, just get yourself sorted & back to some sense of normal re BPD, I'll hear stuff here around the traps.
Maybe while you're feeling like this take a load off and just stick to 2 or 3 threads, whatever you can handle without pressure, you don't need more.

Yes I remember you saying why you abbreviate BPD good sense in that. I use BP for B.polar so I may occ verify. Good you bought that up

Freezing, is that do you think anxiety, I do that & turn my back instinctively when I'm whooping myself when a dog's charging towards me, haven't been attacked or bitten but fear them till trust sets in, Funny scared of them and have done a LOT of door to door over the yrs, YIKES now that's a challenge lol, anything that you can't reason with really, maybe if pastlives are the case I had bad experience

Great you've got hobbies in the creative area, yes definately stress needs an outlet. Writing is great too aye, poetry good on you. Very good expressions and I think beneficial too cause of thinking process of feelings

Graphic style art?

Thanks for dropping in, next time I'll make you a lovely soothing Cammomile tea, meant to be good for relaxing, better throw some nice chocolate on a plate too aye 🙂

Yeah here's amazing I love as can see you too helping people, so often the good one's cop the hardest crap

Breath darling here for you too. Part of my list plan is to be here more often Yip Yip gunna happen
((( peace )))

[startingnew]

Hi DB

yes my self harm urges are a major drama, ive had to have medical intervention for quite a lot of them. I know some of the reasons I do it but others I dont really know. Its like a craving and its always in the back of my mine. The main reasons I do it though are because of feeling numb, feeling overwhelmed or self hatred- a punishment. My thighs are covered too, its ahrd in the sumemr because its hot and I often wear short that have to go to my knees because otherwise they are visible. When my mums bf came and visited me in hospital he also called me an attention seeker because they were told I was wanting to self harm (they dont know I actually have nor are they going to find out).


Im really sorry about your loss. I truly am. I lost my nan in 2016 and this year is the first time im really feeling things because I was too busy holding my mother up, lettin my sisters grieve, answering all their hard questions that I really didnt have answers too and keeping my stuff together for my pop. So this year now that things are a lot better for them im starting to feel it in its full brunt.


I have to limit my threads at the moment. Ive had to leave out 5 threads tofay and thats really hard for me because im usually ok at supporting but there are other memebers there that can help so ill leave it in their hands for a little bit until I get on my feet abit more.


Yeah so you know the flight, fight freeze response, some people try to run, some people fight, I freeze. Completely freeze which is why during each sexual encounter id just lay there, not being able to move or anything. Im terrified of dogs, a mjor trigger as it was one of my taumas and witnessing one as well.


Heres one:
I feel like im fading away
trudging through the day
the candle flickers with a dying flame
when will this end, this game
but I cant escape




lonley are the nights
lonley are the days
lonley I am in so many ways
I stare at the ceiling
my tears roll down but I cant make a sound


yeah graphi style art. Theres many forms such as realism, surrealism, graphic, just to name a few

[demonblaster]

wow you've got talent poems are fantastic ...really

And it was good Sez Chooky (Sarah) said it releases endorphines to combat the pain so I've learnt a lot today here and had quite a lot of social interaction in many forms, forums, fb, calls, visitor, msg'r been really good.

Yes part of my plan the list is going to be allocating time for different things daily instead of when I get outta this BP (Bipolar for anyone reading) through the hell stage that NEVER fails to slam there's totally nothing, love TV but need to do things to achieve, I do get out and about and have kept with walking,excruciating agony 10 on 1-10 pain scale for bad outs so HAVE to keep working on core strength and awesome for endorphine release, helps no end with stress out too

Yeah I reckon try not to stress about being there for people too much when you're in a bad way, you do really well and support but ya don't need that extra on top & exactly right, there's others too & I bounce around as well so as mentioned will be here more often from now on

Something I'm working on and going well with for survival is learning to like myself, extreme low self esteem started very young, bout 9ish, beautiful parents but ya know how the depression beast can be & BP damn it goes low and of course good old people being people at times when you're at vulnerable ages, I had 3 at those crucial times but also one of the beasts tools is making us sensitive, anything that pulls us down is usually it's tendrils at work & by god there's a lot but I truly believe we all have strength in us, it gets buried but with time and effort we can pull back up. I tried to end it few times in teens and very close during heaviest times grieving but so glad recently I realised it's the BP downs that are when I want to so that's another rod so I'll see how this low goes, probs in about another wk or so it'll start, had some severe flashes of deep downs amongst the highs this time round, was a mixed episode.
Mostly goods so far consistent in mania. Magic beyond

thx for explaining graphic

Ok sweety oh one more thing I was thinking ...do you like yourself at all? If not baby steps, just think of one thing and keep reiterating.
You're lovely, support people, care, help, converse, speak with respect, honest, strong wether you see it or not you are, kind. Something helping me is I have a lot of people like/love me so must have the goods aye, you too

Nigh nite, hope you get some serious zzzz's ((( )))

[Starwolf]

Thank you DB for your kind words. You probably made me blush. You wouldn't have wanted to know me some 30 years ago...when I didn't even want to know myself.

I had a bit of an inner chuckle reading your and SN' take on dogs. You see, I have been a remedial trainer most of my life (not a new job, DB). It means dealing with those who have been deemed unrehomable and also unworkable. They're often the type people call dangerous. And yes, I was bitten twice (once as a child). Both times my fault. Should have given it more thought before making a move. Since I acknowledged it was my responsibility, not the dogs', it didn't stop me in my tracks. Just made me a little more thoughtful...Doing a lot of security work -where dogs are allowed and motivated to bite- sure brings home why they do and how to avoid being at the receiving end.

You asked how I cancel thoughts. Easy now but it's been long, patient, hard work. These days, I use the 1.5 hour drive to town to keep up the practice and recharge my inner battery. I just keep noticing everything, moving on from one to the next without dwelling. Gumtree leaning over the road on the left, horse rolling in mud on the right, a look in the rear vision mirror, keeping an eye on both sides of the road for suicidal wildlife, a leaning fence on the right (no dwelling on what may have happened to it), a blue tongue lizard sun baking in the middle of the road, a strip of bark blowing across it... On and on it goes. Pure observation, no thoughts attached. Made easier because of the fast moving pace. I can get into town like that, thought process on hold until I hit the 1st traffic light. Quite relaxing. Should a thought intrude I just notice it and immediately return to details of the landscape.

A good Sunday to all.

[demonblaster]

Heya RockStar 😄 always good to see you friend
Been meaning to say so often I'm not good with words, that wasn't it, its your profile pic It's ... frustrating not being able to express well, classy nah not right word grrr supreme nah,majestic maybe, there's an awe about it dunno if awe's right either. Magnificent PINGggg closer it's amazing

Thx yeah freaked me out just the thought of dogs let alone when you explained it b4 and since knowing some of your abhorrent history love how it all came about. What a great thing you do, whatta brave thing you do 😄 Like you taking responsibility for bites as a young.

Starting to come down & during typing this I jotted a survival post & I hav in it as well as here thanks again to you I was able to pull out of a rapid moving extreme down plummet. I looked around & did what you do on your drive, it's beautiful where I live, wowsie I knew you were out the way, you sure are, I guess too you need that space for the dogs and isn't bush beautiful all that you were saying about, I"m a great lover of trees and appreciate nature and was in the car with you seeing it all as you said it so clearly. I admire people that can articulate well, you're one.

Oh so did you mean a new job while back as in Dog? maybe

Star what made you change from before do you think, as in it'd be easy to stay that way, I'm thinking one reason could be that you're such a good person but that's buried when you're like that aye

I do love the many great qualities of dogs though, love affection and you get that from them but love cats & Awwww kittens....just wanna hold em & watch for ever, beatiful faces cats i reckon. Wouldn't not get a dog though if I lived in a house necessarily Pros and cons to both

Thx for your time, caring and reply Star, eternal gratitude,

Check out over the next few days the Bocquet (? sp) thread darl xx

[startingnew]

Hey DB


thanks, ive written many poems. I find if I cant find the right words I write a poem and it makes more sense.
Yes SH releases endorphins however they only last a few minutes before the regret and guilt come into. Sounds like you had abusy day talking to everyone! Ive got to stay away from social media atm because the SSM is really getting to me.


I find writing a list of things that need to be done in the day helpful, is that something you do?
Also finding and working out what coping strategies work for which sort of feeling helps me too.
If you need any idead ive got a whole thread dedicated to it called 'COPING STRATEGIES' feel free to take a look and add your own in too. Starting to run outta idea.


Physical pain is excrutiating and affects us both psychologically and physcially. Physically for obvious reasons but mentally because it restricts so many things. So makes us feel worse.


I know, ive had to step back quite a lot, I dont like it but its necessary otheriwse I have no energy for myself. When I feel up to it or the other main threads are quiet sometimes ill pop into the others and just check in there.


I havent had much self esteem at all. I think the only time I had self esteem was when I took a troubled horse on that no one said could be fixed and ended up going out to shows and we won grand champion at age 14 and continued on winning a lot of things. I remember someone turning up to a show and looked at me and put their head down. I had to giggle I just thought, im not that good, theres always someone better. I miss those days, I just dont have that fire there letting me to keep doing that anymore. I dont really ride much anymore, its very rare and coming from someone who use to ride everyday its a big change.


Yes your right, depression doesnt descriminate. It can get to anyone no matter who you are. . I hope that learning to love yourself and findng the things your good at really helps you.
I reposnded to that question on my thread. Thought it was approprate to what we were talking about there.

sending lots of hugs

xoxoxo

[Starwolf]

OK, I'll let you in on how this profile pic came to be. This is Midnight, the most challenging dog I ever had to work with. I have never felt so tempted to give up on another K9. The bitch (oh yeah !) was hard yakka. Being fully black, she is also a fitting symbol of mental illness. If human, she would have been diagnosed with the whole gamut of mental ill health. And because it ended well...she's also a symbol of victory over it.

And yes, there was a lot of class under the aggro, manipulation, slyness, wilfulness and sheer bitchiness. It just took a while (and a few nervous breakdowns) to bring it out.

Foal watch was a temp job. A quick cash making strategy.

Kudos for stopping a downward dive in time. So, so proud of you ! Your determination and resilience impress me. So much improvement on what you started off with...

Driving along makes it easy to by-pass thought. A short-cut to mindfulness as everything is quickly left behind, out of sight and new stuff appears in front. The difficulty is in keeping the mind on what's ahead, not behind. And no straying elsewhere. Plenty in the bush to draw attention, so much beauty and quirkiness if one cares to look. Every gumtree different from all others and the light on it all different from one moment to the next. These days, I consider it more interesting than the crap that usually goes on in one's head ! Please don't get me wrong, I'm human so not immune to it. But I find it disruptive, annoying. I now know a lot of it is a whole load of crock. So it's just "aaargh, shut the f---up" and that's the end of it.

As I wrote recently in Sara's thread, the torturers in my youth were great role models in a quirky way. They were everything I hated and never wanted to become. Definitely reverse psychology at work. I felt along the years how easy it would be to become like them. Then they would have won and this...I couldn't have.

My core was destroyed, so I decided to leave everything behind and set off to travel the world alone to reconstruct who and what I was. From the foundations up. I relearned how to live and own my thoughts in many different contexts. No longer a puppet attached to strings of the past.

A peaceful arvo/evening/night to you.

[demonblaster]

Hey Darls (Both) 🙂 thx for replies, read on mobile but I nearly lose my nut trying to answer on phone and I didn't wanna be like this but starting to get impatient waiting for stuff loading mind you in my defense I could die of old age waiting

When I've successfully dabbled in poetry it's more often in mania the mind opens up. Thought's with such clarity & energy to act on things that usually doesn't happen and yes I'm in process of doing list, might work more on it when I recover form this down which is hitting hard in parts

Not sure but think may have posted in coping strats or maybe something else along those lines, thx I'll eventually look more although have a bit around here, massive site aye

Yeah I"m in process of working out how not to put so long into here not that I don't love it cause like/love/blaghh people & very much like helping & of course to vent & work this crap out

Said to partner once re his poor physical health that in a way as opposed to my mental health his is worse as you say emtionally for so many reasons, vice versa too I imagine would be fairly common is mental health often causes drops in physical as well

That's rough the SH. Thx talking about it. Wanna understand what people go through & why

What a mega achievement with the horse and wins, yeah you are something special to do that when everyone else had given up, similar to RockStar with the dog on her pic.

thx yes starting on liking myself's helping with confidence, terribly long way to go but deep depression is the master at anything that pulls us down, self esteem was rock bottom for yrs, still not great but have confidence in lot of other ways that LOT of people don't so got some happening over the yrs

When I go back into threads I go from my last post so will see your reply

Thanks for chat and care 🙂

ditto xoxoxox

[demonblaster]

Hey Rock 🙂

I'm coming back tomoz to reply, want to have the time to respond properly. Eyes nearly falling out, read tho, did both of your posts guys from Ph: but yeah hence here on PC, sooo much easier, so grateful. Do love mobiles tho.

While I think, both you and Starting, I ended up by accident being at the beginning of thread on ph so read again mine and your first response to me Star & Starting about your horseriding accident, I did read and know parts about both of you but have realised and heard recently that BP does affect memory, so does life for that matter. I knew Rock you'd had terrible life but had forgotten details feel bit stink on that cause you've been and are my absolute Rock from day dot this thread & same Starting when you said horse riding accident it started coming back. Anyway I am sincere so not saying stuff for the hell of it and then moving on and forgetting......just the marbles are a bit wobbly 🙂
Cause I know definately star I've at times asked things that I would have known if I'd remembered so sorry guys

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh given up durry's (fags again, how's this ..gave up in last yr & half roughly bout 5 times without much effort at all, then as soon as mania steps in the cravings go mental, like 2 yrs worth, weird, only thing I can come up with is during mania the brains so pumped and greed wants more of whatever it can get and of course that side of us or the IT (Beast) pulling me down cause step back every time and I seriously can't afford it. Have this time bought 3 pkts, I can & am fighting it definately have been all night but during a bloody BP cycle esp the downs, JEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, I could hurt a little old lady for one 🙂 kidding,love the elderly, well most anyway ( Nursed them for yrs before training)

SO bloody sigh atm, now the stuffin really really hard part, thanks Star loven you being proud of me 🙂 I know I can do this cause did tonight and been working on also couple other things to avoid going down, had one major cry, outlet at very least.

More tomoz lovelies, thanks Rock 🙂 Remember you saying somewhere you'd like to have someone hold your hand, I am lot's of different times. xx

[demonblaster]

RockStar heya 😄 btw smiled at making you blush. Cute

Wow Midnight, Xlent name know exactly what you mean about Black & MI. Took yrs to work out why I hate being in dark or dull places, our heads are filled with Black in the extreme lows aye. (suicide yrs for me) Full Kudos for persevering with the dog (bitch) lol & several nervous breakdowns. You're incredibly strong chooky the sh.. you've endured & come out the other side and soz I meant love how it came about (remedial) you'd know anyway but not what u went thru but the one thing that pulled you through and gave you love.
Yes I read and liked that post on Startings thread about those mongrels that you weren't going to be like.
I'm beyond in awe of you. Honestly (heart emote)

Ahh right foal watch

Peace to you too always Star, perpetual (learning some words 🙂 thanks and deep appreciation

Next post where this head and bodies at but GOOD some survival in it too

Are you ok with virtual affection? I can back off if so but probly slip a couple in 🙂