Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

Yeah a bit of a battle at the moment but what else is knew.

I was hoping probably foolishly, but hopeing never the less that I would get a card for Mother's Day of P but no. It is like he is punishing me for his predicament but I didn't put him in there, he did. To me it feels like he is still not taking responsibility for his actions and this is what got him back in jail. I am trying to be hopefull but I am so full of doubt, of course I won't let him know that.

At his sentencing the Judge said this was his last chance so if he reoffends on being released he will be inside for a long time. as if 3 1/2 years isn't long enough.

In all the times I visited him last time I never once had to open my mouth, how humiliating and traumatic for you. I am so sorry that happened to you.

When I did visit I focused totally on my son and when the visit was over I focused on leaving and walking when I wanted to run. I always disolved into tears on reaching the car.

My oldest son rang me on Saturday night asking if I was doing anything Sunday, of course I wasn't so I went of to his place and he cooked me dinner. It was very nice and good to feel appreciated as a mum.

Hope you have a wonderful week.

Lots of love

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

So glad to hear you had a nice mothers day and to know your other child was brought up the same way and has not ended up in trouble is proof you are a good and caring mum, our kids, when they become adults are making their own decisions right...or wrong, we cannot be their "gate keepers", they make their own journey in this world and its hard as a mum, to watch them make these stupid and careless mistakes, we have no control over them.

I really hope your son in prison comes to his senses one day and realises the love of his mother is always there no matter what, I to, used to cry on the way home from my visits, so painful and heartbreaking but also sometimes angry and frustrated because I felt like "how dare he put me in this position to", the range of emotions is unforgiving.

I am so glad we have had each other to talk to , but no doubt there would be many more parents like us, there really should be some sort of support group for families of prisoners in each state , I haven't found anything but maybe I haven't looked in the right places either.

Even though my son is released now I still feel that stigma of him being incarcerated and the judgement people have toward people being in prison it's not like "you have made a mistake and now have paid for it" but "you have made a mistake and it will be held against you forever ".

But this is my life....and I just have to deal with it.

Take care of yourself.

July

[Poppydotty]

White Knight, i also work in the prison system and what you've said to Anne is correct and very helpful.

At the same time ive also stood in a court room with my son. There are a lot of mixed feelings she will go through but as an adult her son makes his own decisions that direct his life and must (as he now is) take responsibility for his actions. Anne once your son does the time, he has paid the price and must start again with the right choices. Im sure Anne will be there selflessly to support him.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi All,

Yes July this is our life now and it's a hard one whether they are inside or out, It warms my heart for you to know your son is ok and doing well.

Poppydotty, welcome.

l to went to my sons court hearing and the Judge said this is his last chance. You see this is his second time inside for drug related offences. He was given 4 years the first time, paroled after 22 months but blew that and went back inside within 3 months. Corrections sent him to rehab, he lasted 3 weeks, they tried again and this time he lasted 4 weeks. He went back inside and served the rest of his sentence.

He got out and was good for a little while about 8 months, not exactly sure. Then along with his long term addicted girlfriend they got into more trouble, drug related. This time he is serving 3 1/2 years, they could have gotten up to 10, the Judge was leanient.

I stay and appear strong with my friends but here l can be honest. I feel like a broken woman and am scared for my sons future.

[July]

Hi Anne,

I totally agree with you and the comment of its like we are leading two different lives, one we portray to our friends and the real one... the despair of worrying about our sons and their futures.

I to, am scared for my sons future, although at the moment things appear to be going well, I always have that doubt in the back of my mind...is he going to relapse once he's off parole, but I think that's a" normal " thing to feel after all the events of the past two and half years.

But sometimes I find myself looking at him and I can see in him, a sort of lost and sad inner feeling, I guess he knows what he has done will come to haunt him at times, the waste of his life in prison for 22 months... and what he's seen in prison and I'm sure he hasn't told me the worst of it, to protect me.

I also feel sad for him that it all came to this, could I have done anything different....could I have been there more, I don't know, I suppose its still that feeling ..for me that I did fail him in some way, I hope eventually that feeling goes away.

But as his mum I will always feel responsibility for his welfare, I'm pretty good most days, but I have my down days like anyone else.

Tomorrow is another day and the sun will shine again.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

Yes two lives, I feel like I live one life with my family, friends etc. (strong and coping) then when by myself or with my therapists (where I frequently fall to pieces) I live another life of truth and sadness.

Most of the sadness I feel is I know the potenial my son has, he could go far if he applied himself but he hasn't. Part is shame and will others blame or judge me. But mostly sadness comes from him going down this path and throwing his life a way. He will be 36 next month, I am hoping it isn't to late for him. He will now always have that cloud over his head, he is a convicted criminal, as harsh as that sounds, he will always be watched by the police, I feel.

I know intellectually I am not to blame for his life path, I did the best I could in horrible circumstances. He has chosen to do drugs and the illegial activities that went with it. But as a mother I don't think you can feel totally blameless, its hard isn't it.

I so try to lead a normal life but all this hangs over my head to. It adds to my depression as it acts as a trigger. This time of year around his birthday I always feel more depressed than normal, I try not to but can't help it.

I keep telling myself to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

[July]

Hi Anne,

I read your words as if I wrote them to, our connection mentally is so helpful, as I know there is someone else who understands my heart and my emotions.

This is not the life I imagined for my beautiful boy...and despite all, he is still my beautiful boy, who like yours, let drugs ruin that once happy life and all the dreams and hopes I had for him, and yes he to is forever "branded" by his mistake.

You are so right that although it was his decision , I still feel that sense of blame, sadness and remorse, I hope he finds happiness and eventually has a family, I want that "normal" life for him.

When I am busy with normal day to day stuff its ok, but then I have my other times when other issues surface and then all the past pain swells up and I feel those tears about to fall....I hate it. I want to block it all out but I don't know how.

Its easy for others to say don't let stuff get to you and I know this is my reality....doesn't stop from hurting though.

Thanks for being there, a complete stranger sharing a painful secret, who would have thought?

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

My mum got a letter from Peter and P has been transfer to Borellan which has now become a training farm/centre. They do TAFE courses in preparation for getting a job on release such a positive. Last time he was clased as to higher a risk to be transferred.

He said for mum to tell me he would write to me soon, hope so. It's his birthday so so l will get his address from mum and send him a card.

Its terrific news but it also hurts that again he wrote to mum and not me.

[Hopefullseeking]

I have been surprised by how hurt I am that he has written to mum first. I was telling my volunteer job manager, she knows all about Peter, son nearly in same situation. Anyway I was so teary and was wiping away the tears, shocked me. I thought I had a handle on it, have my psychologist appointment tomorrow so will discuss it with her.

It's never ending.

[July]

Hi Anne,

I did reply to you but I don't know where it went, anyway its good he's keeping contact and you have some news about whats going on with him, and they must trust him to move him to minimum security so that is a good sign at least, my son spent the last 8 months at a prison farm.

No doubt it would hurt he hasn't written to you yet, but he did say he would write to you soon so lets hope he keeps his word, of course this is another upsetting situation and you need to let out that pain and I know you would be thinking, is this ever going to end, but remember small steps. I also thought I was handling things then something would trigger me and I would be a mess....even now the past, the present and the future seem to blur and you can't make head nor tails.

Because this situation is not just about them...its about us, we need to acknowledge that this is and has been devastating...you want to wake up one day and hope this was all a bad dream, but you know what .....we have got this far and I think we should be proud of ourselves, not just for ourselves but our boys to.

Having someone to talk to is the best medicine, I know we can't change the situation but we can do our best to deal with it and what we know in our head doesn't always match what we feel in our heart, that's the dilemma but you are only human so never be ashamed of your feelings.

Take care

July