Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne and July,

I have just popped by to see how you dear, precious ladies are getting on. Anne, I have read your posts where you mention it will soon be your son's birthday and that he has sent your Mum a letter and not yourself as yet.

As I've mentioned in the past, I have not walked in your shoes at all, I don't even have live children. I have loved and cared for people deeply and have been hurt by their actions one way or another. That is nothing compared to what you ladies must be enduring.

Anne, I think it is wonderful that you want to send your son a card. Can you do something special on his actual birthday? Do you have a friend who might go out for coffee and cake with you? Yu don't have to tell them the significance of the moment.

In the past I have had friends over or met them at a café on the occasion of my children's birthdates, especially the milestone birthdays of 16, 18 and 21. They have not known I was celebrating these dates in my heart, they just thought we were having a get together. It helped me.

My heart felt shattered when those dates arrived. If my babies had lived, last year they would have had these significant birthdays.

Anne, I do so hope you are able to do something meaningful and comforting around your son's birthday.

Love and hugs to you both, from Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for your concern , we all have a story with moments imprinted on our hearts, some happy... some sad but somehow life goes on, but the memories never fade, time nor distance can diminish them.

I sometimes feel selfish because I ,at least were blessed with children, and other wonderful and kind people such as yourself have had to endure the pain of losing children, for which I am sorry.

I loved your idea of still celebrating milestones in your heart, how fantastic to honour them, for each life is so precious and beautiful.

Take care.

July

[Doolhof]

Dear July,

Thank you so much for your very kind words.

Over the years I have been very blessed by the many children who have come into my life. Some for a short period of time and others for decades! I have a wonderful relationship with my two nieces. For that I am so very thankful.

Many girlfriends have shared their children with me. My husband used to work afternoon shift, I would ask my friends if they wanted a night out and offered to look after their children for them.

I've had many wonderful evenings around a kitchen table with other people's children, having meals together, playing games with them, helping them get ready for bed, reading stories and kissing them goodnight.

Years ago I ran a playgroup. I am still in contact with some of the Mums and see photos of their children on Facebook as they are growing up. All of that is so precious to me.

In a way I have been extremely blessed as I have been able to love and care for so many children, but not had the aches, pains and trials that can come with motherhood.

Wishing you a day to cherish happy memories!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Ladies,

I have had trouble posting of late so please don't think I have forgotten you lovely people.

I did finally get a letter from my son, short and sweet but it was a letter. I has been transferred to a recently opened facility that is still maximum security but focuses on getting them to be job ready. They do TAFE courses and everything (from what I understand) is focused on getting them ready to be released.

It all sounds very positive BUT we have been down this track before. Everything is different on the outside, it is left up to them which way they turn. On the inside decisions are made for them on the most part. I am struggling with the positive aspect of it.

When he was first paroled i thought the nightmare was over, that part of his life was over and he would get on with being a constructive citizen. But the nightmare just repeats itself over and over. He sounds happy that he has been given this chance, again he sounded happy when he was given a chance before. He changes on the outside, it is like he can't cope with life and turns to drugs to cope. Then his life goes down the tubes again. He repeats his mistakes over and over again. He didn't adjust well to being released the first time so maybe they can address that problem in this new place.

I'm scared for him and his ability to stay off the drugs when he gets out.

When he is clean he is the old son again and it is heart breaking, he says he loves me and all the family, he wants contact with his brother and is writing mum as well. He becomes the loving good natured son of old, I don't know how much more i can take of this up and down that he goes through.

Anyway, I need to focus on him being in a good supportive place at present.

Thank you lovely ladies for keeping in touch.

Mrs Dools, his birthday is on Tuesday and as luck has it I meet a couple of friends for lunch every tuesday.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne and July and any one else reading this,

Anne, it is wonderful your son has written you a letter, that is wonderful news. Hopefully it may be the beginning of better communication with him.

It must be difficult to watch your son be released from prison, only to fall back into his old ways and return to prison again. Hopefully he will learn more life skills while he is in this different centre. Do the prisoners receive much support and assistance once they leave prison?

It must be very hard for people who have lived a very structured life for one reason or another to then find themselves with 24 hours a day to fill.

Anne, do your friends know about your son? If so, will you let them know it is his Birthday? If not, can you buy a special sweet for yourself and pretend you are sharing it with your son or would that hurt too much?

When my stillborn son would have had his 21st birthday, I bought a cake, went to a park and ate some it while I was crying very hard. In some ways it helped. I didn't know who I could share that moment with. Some people just don't get it and that is okay too.

Hope you have an okay kind of day on Tuesday. I will be thinking of yo.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning All,

Yes it is great that he has written, atm that is all I can expect, a letter infrequently, better than nothing.

Today I am not coping well at all, very down in the dumps but am at my volunteer job so can't show it.

It is my sons birthday tomorrow and I know that has affected me greatly. I am meeting friends for lunch as i normally do on a tuesday and one of them suggested I buy some little cup cakes and we can have one each, nice idea.

It has been a terrible couple of weeks, my car has died and I am not going to get it fixed as i have spent money on it and enough is enough. Also my washing machine died today to, it has been going for a while but it is bad timing.

Just feel like shit.

[July]

Hi Anne,

I'm sorry you have had bad luck recently... always the way, one thing breaks and something else goes wrong.

Tomorrow on your son's birthday try to reflect on the happier times, the precious gift...of having a son, true his life at the moment is not in the best place but although he has faltered before, try to give him a second chance, we all fall at times and don't make the right decisions, but he has an addiction and it may take many steps to get him into the right head space.

I am so glad he has written to you, it was probably hard for him to write to, and sometimes we have to look at the other side, because we don't know what is going on in someone else's head.

I completely understand your hesitation about his future after his first release , but maybe this time something will 'click', and I find that although my son is working and living independently after his release, I still have that 'doubt' in the back of my head, what if ? what happens if he gets lonely ? depressed? will he turn back to drugs, will I have to pick up the pieces again... and that answer will be yes, what else could I do.

I have to have faith in him that the horrific time that we have been through, has made him value his life and freedom but they have to do that themselves ,theres nothing we can say or do to control their decision making.

Try to focus on one day at a time...I know that's hard, but I believe in your strength and ability to move on, you can do this, remember that rollercoaster, there will be highs and lows ...and you will rise again.

Take care.

July

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I am so happy to hear many children have filled your heart and soul throughout your life, so you are a mother in the true sense of the word...loving , compassionate, caring and giving.

I to, had a wonderful aunt who was more like a mother to me, she also gave birth to twins which passed away 4 hours after birth and never had any more children , I could always tell her things and not be judged or criticised, I often wished she was my mother and I do miss that.

People touch our lives in many ways...some for good... some for bad, but we all learn from different interactions.

To answer your question about support for prisoners being released, I think there might be a few government agencies but basically you have to move on yourself and I think it would be so hard if you didn't have any family support outside.

My son wasn't told of any help outside, you have parole officer assigned to you to ensure you are abiding by your specific parole conditions, but on the day of his release, I went to the prison farm and waited out the front for him, they opened the gate and he walked out carrying all his few possessions.

He did have a lot of anxiety the first few months, being worried about being outside in the 'real world', so without support it doesn't surprise me that some people fall back into the prison system, strangely enough my son said some people feel a sense of comfort and security because you have a structured routine and many become fearful of being released, also I would assume they are now clean and sober and maybe for the first time have to face the world as "themselves", nothing to hide behind.

Its a very complex issue but its either going to make or break you , I still think about all the the other families still going through this, its a whole other world people don't think about, unless you have to go through it.

The prisoners do have many courses and skills they can learn on the inside, so its good to re-train people and keep their minds busy, my son learnt many new skills and took every opportunity offered to him in prison to better himself.

Take care.

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

Over the years I have seen a few shows and documentaries about prisons and life on the inside. I recall hearing stories about people who have purposely committed crimes so they can return to prison as they can't handle living on the outside anymore.

Not having experienced anything like that, it is hard to comprehend.

The best I can do is to relate it to moving to a different area, having to get used to everything that is different and new and wanting to return back to how things were before where you were familiar with the neighbourhood and how things worked.

Occasionally we have watched a show where people are caught for offenses in other countries and end up in the jails there. Some of those places must be very frightening.

It is good and very beneficial the prisoners are offered learning experiences. That must give them some hope for when they are released.

Hopefully your son will continue to adjust and to feel comfortable where he is now and want to stay outside always.

All the best to you from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning

Sorry if I sounded really negitive in my last post but I have reason to be.

I am sorry July but I can't bail him out again, so to speak, he nearly took me down with him, unbeknown to me he involved me in many of his drug offenses, I am lucky I didn't get pulled down with him. When I realised what he was doing to me I made sure it didn't happen again.

He has lied to me, his friends and family, he has stolen from me and when he was out last time I had to lock up my money etc when ever he came around, it was devastating but necessary. He continues to lie to the extent I question everything he says. The mere fact that I do that tears at my heart.

I still love him and obviously always will.

I hope something does click this time, something needs to happen. It will help him if he could move out into the country and away from former friends, out of their clutches and his temptations.

Sounds like your son has found his feet, I am happy for you and I am sure over time you will learn to trust him again and that bond will be strengthened.

Love to you all