Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Anne,

For sure, you have to do whats best for you and your individual circumstance no doubt, and putting you in and around his criminal activity is definately unacceptable behaviour.

I know its hard because when they associate with the same people who don't have their best interest at heart, its a recipe for disaster, and the pattern of destruction continues.

Maybe when he's released keep him at arms length, until he can prove his honesty and integrity has returned and he is worthy of your trust, do not compromise your values for him, he has failed.... not you.

I know, we all want to believe them, hope they have changed, hope they make good decisions, but time will tell.

It is a very painful time, the waiting..the hoping...the praying it all works out, but you to have a life to lead, and I know you love him or this wouldn't be hurting you so much, I understand that feeling.

I hope you find time for yourself also, to escape from the constant thinking and worrying even for a short time, so take care of yourself...you are worth it.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

I erased my post, dam.

A lot of your words are what I feel.

It is so hard waiting and trying to trust that they make the right choices and don't get sucked back into the old life. I don't know if he seeks out his old life or it seeks him out. I sometimes feel he can't cope with being straight/clean so reverts back into the drug scene as it is familiar to him and using drugs masks the pain he must be feeling.

A friend of mine recently lost her son who was similar to Peter, I don't want to bury my son but am well aware it is a possibility but I'm hoping a very slim one.

I am trying to get on with my life and do what is best for me, its hard isn't it.

It has been a hard few weeks. My car broke down, again, and I decided to take it off the road as it is costing me money continuously. A hard decision but luckily the public transport is really good around here. At the same time my washing machine died on me. And to top it off it was Peters birthday.

I managed and have sort off gotten through it. A few years ago I would have gone to pieces completely so I am proud of myself for holding it together.

At the moment I am down at my mothers place as my youngest brother is up for a holiday with his daughter and we get on really well. Unfortunately my other brother is also here and there are huge issues with him that I won't go into but it is hard being around him.

Life goes on and all we can do is our best. Sorry if this post sounds bleak, not meant to be but my heart is a bit heavy at the moment.

Otherwise I am doing ok, I sent Peter a birthday card with a letter inside and I know he would have been happy to get it. I am doing that every few months now and if I don't hear back that is ok to. I understand he may find it too hard to write to me so I so get it. It won't stop me from writing to him and loving him.

No matter what he does I will always love him, that is what mothers do.

Keep well and thank you so much for your support.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

Just noticed it has been a little while since July has posted here. Hope you are both doing okay.

I sure wish I'd had a Mum who was there to stand by me in all the years when I messed up.

Hopefully your son has received his card and letter and I also hope that he realises how much you love and care for him.

Sorry to hear about the washing machine! Ours packed up recently and we needed to replace it. My car has had so many flat tyres lately, I have hit a kangaroo and required the car to be fixed and have had other mechanical problems as well. Unfortunately where we live we don't have any public transport and walking to walk is not an option.

Reading your words about Mum's always loving their children breaks my heart. My Mum told me when I was younger that just because I am her child it does not mean that she has to like me or love me.

Your son is very fortunate to have you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Mrs Dools

That is so sad to hear what your mother said to you. What she should have said and maybe this is what she meant 'she loves you but doesn't like or love the behaviour you may have been displaying. If she truely meant what she said then I would class that as Verbal Child Abuse.

I always felt my mother didn't love me or couldn't be bothered with me. She displayed love for my four brothers but I never felt it. I was wrong, she did love me but didn't know how to display it. Maybe that is why i continually try to display to my sons that I do love them no matter what they do but I might not like their behaviour.

It has probably been 3 weeks since I sent him his card, would have been nice to get a reply but I suppose that was asking to much.

He still has almost 2 years to serve, I so hope that is enough time for him to get his act together but I will have to wait and see.

Why do our family, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters and most of all children have to cause us such pain. I have made many mistakes with bringing up my children but not intentionally.

Hope you are doing ok Mrs Dools.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

It must be so hard trying to do what you believe is right when you are a parent. I know my Mum and dad love me in their own way. Mum would have kicked me out of the house a lot earlier if she had really hated me. Ha. Ha.

I too hope that your son is able to change his life around with the last couple of years he has in prison.

It must be hard not hearing from him. I know how disappointed I am at times when my life long friend does return emails, let alone a child or family member.

I believe that we all make mistakes. I'm sure a lot of those are not done intentionally. Hindsight is wonderful in letting you know how things could have been done differently.

The thing is, that at that particular time, maybe we don't have other options available to us or we may just not have considered a different option was possible.

I try to learn from my mistakes and unfortunate happenings in life! I don't always and that is okay too.

Hope you have a pleasant week with moments of happiness and peace.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools and Anne,

I can relate to the comment from your mother Mrs Dools, my mother never in her life told me she loved me...ever, if fact she told me many times she never wanted a daughter, she only wanted sons, well she got one, my older brother whom I have no contact with after he ripped me off with both my parents wills and got their properties and money after putting himself on the title deeds of their houses thus on their deaths the houses went to him , he was executer as well ,so I never knew how much money they had, I did get a lawyer to fight him but in the end it would have cost me to much money and he was studying law at the time so knew exactly what to do.

So the apple didn't fall to far from the tree, he was his mothers son ...for sure, with the motto....whats mine is mine and whats yours is mine ! , both very selfish manipulative people, self gratification at all costs, I was perceived as weak because I was quiet and caring about what others thought and needed.

Anne I agree with your comment that is is verbal abuse, she was very abusive verbally and at times physically, she hit me in the face one time and my nose started to bleed, I clearly remember I felt such anger and felt such worthlessness, how could your own mother treat you like that.....I still to this day will never understand how a parent can behave to their own child like that, I was a burden to her, a mistake, an unwanted female child... not my fault I was born a girl.

I believe thats why I am so mothering over my own 4 kids despite all ,they are our kids, mistakes and all, I never want my kids to feel they are not the most important people in my life...loved and valued...and wanted.

Anne I hope your son writes back, your card would have meant a lot to him, I hope you are doing well, at least writing here we can get those childhood demons out and feel some relief ...some acceptance from others.

Take care both of you .

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July, Anne and anyone else reading this,

Sometimes I wonder about the childhood my Mum had and how her Mum treated her.

It is really sad when certain behaviours or beliefs are handed down from one generation to next, intentional or not.

I believe it takes a strong person to change the family traits, dynamics, behaviours or what ever they are to something positive.

I know a family whom always seem to be happy and very close. Of course I have no idea what happens behind closed doors, but that happiness used to be something I wanted.

As an adult I now realise that for one reason or another my parents were not the same as our friends and that is okay.

Regret, bitterness, distress, hurt and pain all just eat at me, so I need to learnt o find ways to accept what happened. I don't have to like it! Not fighting against it helps me to feel better about traumas from the past.

I can't go back and change anything, but do have some control over how I feel over past events.

Families! They sure are interesting!

I agree with you July, this is a wonderfully supportive and safe place to share how you feel about childhood issues.

Today I am able to accept stuff...tomorrow I might not feel the same way!

Cheers ladies, kindest regards, from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Mrs Dools and July

July I sort of felt the same as you, I have four brothers and they got all the attention, I didn't and always felt alone and unwanted. My mother once told me that she didn't know how to relate to me as a girl, she could relate to the boys but not me. Her mother died when she was about 3 so I don't think she knew how to relate to a female child. I resented her for so long so didn't see her very often, then a few years back thought one day she won't be here and I didn't want to regret keeping my distance from her.

My closest friend growing up was an only child and looked at the happiness we displayed and was slightly envious. She didn't know of the horrors I was going through at the hands of my brother, she didn't know that I suffered from depression. I am in contact with her now after 40 odd years but I will never tell her about my brother, she knows of the depression but nothing else.

Mrs Dools, I use to pray as a child that my life would be different but it wasn't, I don't to live with fear and resentment but I do, I have tried to forgive my parents for not protecting me but it still eats at me. I am sure my son resents me for not protecting him from an abusive father, he blames both his father and me for ending up a drug addict, but as his mother I know I did the best for him.

We can't change the past but gees it hurts like hell.

Stay safe you too and lots of love

Anne

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne, July and anyone else reading this,

Anne, I certainly do understand the pain and hurt of past events. There are days when I am still tormented by memories too. I don't know that we can ever erase a memory from our minds totally.

Our lives are what have shaped us into the people who we are today. We can change our feelings to our memories to a point I guess.

Lately, I have been in contact with people who I went to school with. Some of them were really nasty, now I am included in their circle of friends and have been invited to a reunion.

I won't be attending as the reunion is actually happening the day after I have a sinus and nose operation. I don't think I will be up to going out for dinner after that. Ha. Ha.

I'm going to keep in touch with them all the same and maybe catch up next time. I have decided to let the hurt slip on this one and see what happens.

Wishing you all a day with less pain and more sunshine!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Mrs Dools,

I can relate to your sinus problems as l am getting over a bout of infected sinuses which l get a few times a year. I have hay fever all year round with varing degrees of unwellness.

Both my psychiatrist and psychologist have said the memories will never go away and the pain to in a way. I do accept the past is the past and it should stay there, but for me it often resurfaces and the effects aren't great.

I know l shouldn't be, but it has been well over a month since l sent my son his birthday card but no reply and it hurts. You think l would have learnt by now but l must be a tiger for punishment. I keep telling myself it is hard for him to write, it just hit me, l am making excuses for his behaviour, have done that so much in the past. It sucks that he doesn't write back.

When he does write he tells me he loves me and always will, well he certainly isn't showing it.

Sometimes l think it would be less painful if l cut ties with him but can't do that so I will have to put up with constantly being let down and hurt.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Lots of love

Anne