Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I agree that keeping my "secret " has contributed to my stress increasing over my situation, as I had no one "in real life" to confide in, there have been many times when I'm with a friend and I wanted to break down and tell them, to lift my burden but I hesitated.

I have never had that level of support, such as from my own parents, so I always grew up feeling that I was on my own with everything, no one would care what I thought or said or how I felt, so I never felt that trust or bond with anyone so I could let my guard down.

Hard to change a lifetime habit... albeit not my own fault.

So yes, with my son being in prison (well out now) and work issues and menopause, its a wonder I got thorough it all, I must have someone looking after me from somewhere.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi everyone,

Good to see the support is still flowing.

Sorry l haven't been around but have had a rough time with a reduction in medication, went down like a lead balloon, result being melds went back up and l will most likely be on them for life, really disappointing.

l did disclose my sons story of being in jail, most were supportive but most didn't understand either. If l had thought about it again l probably won't have told all those l did. I did get support but it was difficult and still is.

l struggle with my son not contacting me and it really hurt when he wrote to mum and not me but I will keep writing every couple of months regardless of if he contacts me or not.

Not much more l can do really.

Hope everyone is ok.

lots of love

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

Sorry to hear about your problems with medication, but stay in there and just get through today, you never know what is going happen in the future.

I would also be hurt if my son hadn't written back, but he did contact you before and he is probably dealing with a lot of issues to, like...shame, guilt, disappointment in himself ,his lack of control, there would be many feelings going on in his head, and believe me my son is still dealing with a lot of unresolved issues to .

I think being in prison really throws them, what they thought they knew...what they thought would happen..and what is really happening , don't blame yourself in any way he is an adult and must figure it all out himself.

But keep writing occasionally, trust me it takes quite a while for some things to sink in, I am still having "talks " to my nearly 34 year old son, about behaviour and consequences and thinking of others and sometimes I do wonder if he truly "gets it" !

You have got this far! so you are strong, this is not easy to go through, so don't let his mistake ruin your life to.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning July

I had to go back up on my medication and I will be on it for life, I went down so far and so quickly that both my shrink and GP said I will never be off them, so dissappointing but you never know, one day I might try again. It has been three weeks since the meds increase and starting to feel a lot better.

By the sound of it my son is making the best use of his time that he can. Last time he was the sweets cook and helped with the other stuff, now he is Head Cook which I hope he is very proud of. He is also spending time in the Gym, loosing weight and getting fit, he did do this last time to so its good he is trying to look after his health.

His 36 th birthday is coming up in a couple of months so I will send him a card and might throw in a little money, that I know he will appreciate. Not much else I can do really.

I still hurt and become close to tears everytime I think of our failed relationship, I love him so much, I know he loves me too, I just wish he would show it every now and then. I get scared when I think of him getting out and if he will even make contact but that is a couple of years away so try not to worry about it now. Hard though.

How are things going for you?

Big hugs

Anne

[white knight]

Hi, hopefulseeking, I'm the poster that was one of your fist that replied a long time ago now. I was a prison officer 1977-1980.

As parents we often should carry out tasks without seeking a response from our child. I often used to escort prisoners from the cells to the courtroom and they would be full of anxiety. So expecting a wave or any other response- unlikely to occur.

Simply be there. Be there for when he needs you. We often think of our own emotional needs. Only think of their needs. If he is aware if your sadness and he knows he has obligations or expectations then he will stay emotionally detached simply because he has his own struggles to contend with.

Finally, head cook, now that is something to be proud about...

Tony WK

[Hopefullseeking]

Thank you Tony,

Good advice, l will be there for him for as long as l live.

As a mother l want to solve all his problems for him and l do find it hard to sit back and let him come to me.

This time when he gets out l will let him come to me. His girlfriend and him get out at the same time and l am relatively sure they will go to his girlfriend's sisters place so l might not see him until they are both settled, that l understand but it will be hard to take. I am hoping he will ring me and l will be upset if he doesn't but as you said l have to put him and his emotional needs first.

It is so hard being a mother at times.

Yes l am proud he is head cook, l tried to persuade him when he got out last time to go down that avenue when looking for work but he didn't. I won't try that again.

Thank you Tony for your perspective, l will remember it.

Hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi Tony,

Yes, I completely agree with trying to think of their needs, as I was always aware when visiting or writing to my son in prison to try and be positive and talk of the future, not about what has past, as we can no longer do anything about the situation and just try to deal with the cards that we have been dealt...although as a mother it hurts and your heart is crushed when you feel no response , so sometimes it is hard to not feel resentful when your" olive branch" is not acknowledged.

They do have their own "demons" to contend with , but so do we as parents, as we are going through the whole prison experience with them .

To love and nurture your child should not require a response, true...as we made that decision to bring them into this world not them, so it is our job to be there through good times and bad, that's what a parent does.

But parenting is the hardest job I know...for sure.

Regards

July

[July]

Hi Anne,

Great news on your son becoming head cook ..well done that will really help his self esteem and self worth.

I am glad you are feeling better, you need to look after yourself ..... the greatest gift you can give your son, is to look after his mother.

The mother /son relationship is a complicated one at times, but for us, this is on another level, your son ,like mine will be trying to keep his head above water while in prison, its all about self preservation in there, don't take it as a personal rejection , just like any relationship you will have ups and downs.

Your relationship has not failed.....you are doing the best you can, I completely understand, your love can withstand this ....ours did and my son is so appreciative of what we have done.

My son moved out of home last Saturday into his own apartment, we helped get him some second hand furniture and got him set up... to be honest I got a little teary , I guess the thought of him being on his own 'again' I don't know why I got upset , he has been at home for 5 months and I knew he had to move and so did he, but when it came time for us to leave him there ...well it was a bit hard, he hugged me and told me he loved me and said thankyou for everything, I just said I love you to and I'm your mum.

Send your son a birthday card, my son has kept everything we sent him, I've see it and its weird to see all the cards and letters from 2 years ago, its the little things in life that mean so much and it will to your son to.

But as a mother I feel your pain, move forward in your life, your son will be there in the end and it will all work out, maybe take a while but stay there in his life, as far as the future goes...who knows for any of us, but for our boys we must stand strong.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

Yes it is good that he is head cook, hopefully it helps boost his self esteem, it means he has more responsiblity so hoping this alone helps him.

With your son moving out you would be in two minds, right. You want him to succeed and stand on his own to feet but you also want to keep an eye on him. I know I did when my boy got out.

It is hard this time. Last time I had contact with him either by phone call, letter and the monthly visit, this time there is nothing. I don't visit as it is to traumatic, I suffer from Agrophobia which does include spaces where you can not escape. Once you are in a prison you can't get out unless they let you. It would take me a week to build myself up to a visit and then another week to get over it. It was too much and I knew this time I just couldn't do it.

I am struggling with life in general atm, not sure why but just not traveling well at all.

I am going to send him a birthday card, he deserves to know I am still thinking and worring about him even if I don't get an answer.

He knows how much I love him but at times it doesn't seem to make a difference.

[July]

Hi Anne,

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going good at the moment but hang in there, you are being so courageous to go through what you are, and I for one, know that inner pain and struggle, its like being on a see-saw, you never know when you are going to be up.....or down.

Of course you are dealing with your son in this predicament for the second time, I don't know how I would or could deal with it again, it must be heartbreaking to travel back down that road, it scares me to think about that happening again ....and of course its a possibility for me to ....I hope to God not, but thats a reality.

I understand the trauma of visiting the prison, its a bleak and unwelcoming place, being scanned and checked by prison officers, sniffer dogs ,even having to open your mouth so they can check for contraband smuggling, its humiliating and that is just what a visitor has to do to see their loved one, but I do completely understand that is what they have to do.

I know that scary feeling of once you are the prison there is no escape and despite all the security ,it is still a dangerous place anything could happen in there while you are visiting, I hated that door every time it slammed shut behind me and I to, hate being confined in a area that I can't get out of.

Keep the faith though, send that card and keep that door open for your son, time and distance cannot break the bond of a mother and child.

I wish you a peaceful and happy mothers day, and remember there are many mothers like you, united for the good of our children.

Take care

July