Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Anne,

 Its been a while, I hope you are well, I've been on here a few times mainly reading other stories.

My son is still working full-time since being released from prison which has been great and is abiding by all his parole conditions to a "T", he is moving out of home in a couple of weeks, actually his boss offered him his granny flat to rent so it all worked out so good.

At first he was a bit nervous about moving out but he needs to stand on his own two feet and I want "my life" back, he has lived with us for nearly 4 months now...its time to move on.

I must admit I am a bit worried about him moving out into the real world again, but I can't protect and watch him forever, he's a grown man and  must live with his mistakes and learn from them.

I guess I am trying to protect myself from any more heartache to, the letting go and hoping he follows the right path, its scary, its like when he was little and letting him go out into the big world by himself, but I know deep down theres not a thing I can do to protect him so he has to prove himself.

He has been good and without the drugs and alcohol he can see the world  clearly , he is saving his money and I think moving out will do him the world of good, although I know he will miss all the "mum" things I do.

I have done all I can,  to give him a good head start to a new life now, so I just hope and pray  it all goes well.

I hope all has been going good with you and your son, I'd love to hear back from you.

Take care 

July

[Doolhof]

HI July,

I just noticed your post. I would like to congratulate you and your son. I have been reading your journey off and on over the time and am pleased for you to read that all is going so well for your son right now.

I'm hoping this will be a new beginning for you both, that your son will be able to move on and you will be able to concentrate on some things you might like to do as well as care for your son.

Wishing you both all the very best.

From Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for your kind words, as you would know my journey has been one of many ups and downs and I to, hope this story has a happy ending....for good.

I guess things happen in life... sometimes out of our control and we have to make the best decisions we can at the time.

As for my son and me, this has been two years of heartache and tears but I remind myself...that I have survived this albeit just....sometimes and I didn't let my depression swallow me up in the waves of emotions.

Your post actually means so much to me as I have still never told anyone (meaning friends or colleagues ) in my life about what I have been through, I do still have times when the tears well up but I'm not a complete mess.

To be honest, I will never get over what I have been through regarding my son... it has deeply hurt me.

But tomorrow is another day ,thank you again, its amazing how a few words can lift you.

Regards

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

I have just read your post about your son working full-time

, l am so happy for you, fabulous news. My son did have a job first time around but couldn't keep it, the drugs got in the way.

I have been really struggling with a reduction in mmedication and reluctantly increasing the dose again.

I sent my son an Easter card with a long message inside. He is now head cook, working out in the gym and losing weight, all positive but he did do this last time to. All this news l heard second hand, he wrote to mum, he hasn't replied to me.

Still every few months l am going to w

rite to him and let him know l thinking of him.

He says he loves me heaps but doesnt write, l don't get it.

You are doing a wonderful job with your s

on, l am very proud of you. I know the pain, disappointment and mistrust you feel, l feel it to.

Be proud of your son to, as l am sure you are, for him to move out is huge.

Does his boss know his past? Sounds like a good boss to offer him a granny flat. He has really landed on his feet and l am sure your continuing support has made a huge difference.

Well done

Big hugs

Anne

[Doolhof]

Hi July and Anne and anyone else who is reading,

I had sent you another message July but it disappeared somewhere in cyber land.

It is wonderful news your son is making such progress.

I'm sorry you have not been able to share your journey with friends and colleagues, maybe that has been the best, some people may not have been able to distinguish between you and your son, or the fact that he made mistakes and has every right to try again.

None of us know how life might have been if we had some how made wrong choices and wandered down the path to criminality. I know for myself I could well have headed that way, I was lucky I managed to get out while I could. Temptation can be huge!

Have you thought about writing about your experience. You could do it anonymously and maybe present a short story with coping strategies that could be used by other Mothers in your situation.

You mentioned something about tears, they are so healing. If you need to cry at work, hopefully you have the opportunity to be supported if not fully understood.

Thinking of you both.

From Mrs. Dools

[July]

Hi Anne,

So nice to hear from you, I knew even though my son has been released it will still be a long journey, still some ups and downs but he has done really well....considering.

Yes, his boss is fully aware of his past and him being in prison, I told my son to be upfront and honest and his boss gave him a chance which has been great for his self esteem , my son works 6 days a week, has never called in sick or taken time off for anything, he enjoys keeping busy and goes to the gym nearly every night, he is so into "fitness" now which is great.

He is not allowed to drink alcohol while still on parole which is good that is till October, and I have had many talks about being responsible and not needing alcohol to have a good time, he is randomly alcohol and drug tested which is good to.

I am trying to do my best, but I know at the end of the day its up to him, I just have to have faith that it will all be alright.

I am glad to hear you are still writing to your son, I hope he is doing well and coping ok, I guess all we can do is sit and watch their lives play out and get on with our own lives to, as best we can.

But as I said in my previous post I will never forget this nightmare and I sure as hell ,don't want to go through this again and I don't wish it on any other mother either.

It would be good to have some sort of support group for family members going through this, as I said before its not just the person in prison....its everyone around them who suffers to .

I just hope you keep yourself well, I'll keep a look out for your posts, thank you for your support, its really appreciated and I know you know the pain of this all.

Take care

July

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Very true the keeping of my "secret" has been a sacrifice, only made because I didn't want people to judge my son and condemn him for a mistake.

I am glad I haven't confided in people , I have followed my gut instinct on this one and have been proven right as unfortunately there are not many "genuine " people who have your best interest at heart, at times I have certainly wondered what people would have said.

I know people that know me, would be totally shocked to learn about my son, but there is so much prejudice and judgement in society, I just didn't want to risk my heart and I know thats just me, I have little faith sometimes only due to my upbringing and the lack of support I have had in my life from my family, so really I expect little else from others.

But on here, I have found such solace and comfort from complete strangers that so warms my heart, I would love to support others going through this, as I can only speak from my heart.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July and Anne,

Thinking of you both. It must be hard not being able to share your experiences with others due to the fear or concern of some kind of rejection and judgement.

I too have found much support, comfort and help from being on this forum. It would have been fantastic if something like this was around in my earlier years. Never the less, I am here now and that is the main thing.

Anne, I am sorry to read that your son does not respond to the letters you send him. It is good though that you hear about him from your Mum. Hard to understand, but it must be comforting to know a little of what is going on with your son.

I'm sure most of us keep a few secrets locked away in the closet. Some secrets may be bigger than others. I guess the thing is how you deal with those issues mentally and emotionally.

I've had a few situations that I have not spoken to many people about at all if any in some cases and I have had to learn to find ways to deal with those things so they don't eat me up inside.

One good thing for me is that due to my mental health issues, menopause and every day stress, I often forget the things I have tried to keep hidden! So that is a good thing. I don't need to fetch up those memories any more. I can let them go.

Hope you both have a good day.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Waybeyondblue]

Hi July,

I just read your post and cannot believe how similar your story is to mine. I'm about to experience the same thing and wonder how you're going.

[July]

Hi ,

First, I hope you are going alright, I thought eventually someone may relate to my story , as hard as it is, I had to get it out, somehow...somewhere and this is the place , I have received such kindness and support here for a very difficult situation.

Please feel free to contact me to talk about what you are going through, if you are comfortable.

Its been a very long road but I have got through and their are many families like mine, that are enduring the pain of a loved one incarcerated.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Take care

July