Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,
Thanks as always.
It was more if an emergency meeting.
Most things atm, seem to be crisis repair. See her again Tuesday. She did make clear there is trauma issues purely based off my reactions.
Jojo I don't like the meds, we had another argument last night, so I took them, but we agreed not to tonight.

Work had been on going, but for how long i dont know. U appear to be yoyoing despite everything.
I'm so tired of everyone getting upset with me wwhen everything is so great.
.Sorry jo Jojo

[Saree_p]

I think I have massively stuffed up!!!

I've just left work again - stupid stupid stupid! I left everything there (not that that really matters, just makes it hard that I have to face people, can't simply quit).

I keep flipping between being really scared and feel like someone is watching, waiting to hurt me sort of feelings to everything is wonderful and colours are exploding everywhere.

I'm scared. I am not sure what is happening anymore.

Sorry, sorry. I should, but I don't. I don't know what to do anymore!

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Leaving work is not the worst thing - it’s more important that you are safe. I have had paranoid thoughts like you some scary and then switching to happier ones where I become very outgoing- talkative and laughing with strangers. When my thoughts become all scary that’s when I need help and extra medication. I normally end up in hospital as I often don’t realise how unwell I am.

These days I have learned to nip things in the bud before they escalate to psychosis. If I’m not sleeping for more than a few nights or if I’m going through a particularly stressful time I check in with my GP for support. I also ask my friends to keep an eye on me - I have given them permission to take me to hospital if they have even the slightest suspicion that I am unwell. You probably would not feel comfortable doing that, but I feel reassured and safer with that in place. They have never had to act on it as I am managing to stay stable on my current medications.

Talk to your psychologist tomorrow and see what advice she has for you. And, once again, you are not stupid! You have an illness which is making it very difficult for you to work in the way you would like to.

Don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t give up xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I did as you suggested. Basically I've gone too high too quickly. My psychologist was worried.
She has potentially lined up a private hospital stay for two weeks starting next Wednesday. Depends if we can get private cover etc. The public one is not an option, and my psychologist said the same.

The point was when I'm hallucinating we need to do something.

I confess I'm really scared.

I appear to be crashing I think... not sure. Hit the paranoid state but due to meds feel tired at the same time.

Jojo, just not sure anymore. So scared yet realising the need to.
Scared my partner badly on Tuesday night. Couldn't sleep, was seeing birds and clouds inside home. Got up and kept writting a piano song, then left for a drive. All from 11pm throw to 4am. He was so angry with me.

Ive broken my finger but can't feel it. Can see it tho.

Sorry Jojo, I'm just so scared and worried.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s great if you can be admitted to a private hospital as I think that would really help you enormously.

In the early days I used to go driving at all hours of the night and early morning when I was paranoid. I don’t recommend it as you could come to harm. I almost did a few times. Can you give your car keys to your partner at night so that you remain safe?

I am having a bit of a crisis myself atm as my best friend had a close call and is in ICU. Thankfully I found her in time and called an ambulance. So I might not be posting as regularly as she really needs me now.

So take good care of yourself and be strong. You will always be in my thoughts and prayers xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🧸

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

It's okay, I hope your friend is ok. She may not feel she is lucky but hopefully in time she will be grateful you found her.
You are a good friend.

I'm not sure we will able to go into hospital, won't have been on private health ling enough and I need this all sorted now or I will loose my job. My psychologist really wants me to as the cycles are becoming so much quicker and intense.
But at least we may be able to see a psychiatrist face to face rather than telehealth.

I have taken time off work indefiantly, and can return when able to. My work have been wonderful in understanding and cleaning up my mess. Worst of all, I take a week off work and try to reset.

Honestly not sure What we are going to do if can't get this sorted tho.

Haven't really come down. Hit a high = hallucinations (car driving episode) and then paranoia then only came down for a day maybe 2, before climbing back up. It's freaked my partner out.

I'm not sure What we can do. It's impacting my whole life atm. Feel like it's done nothing but destroy my life.

Sorry not more upbeat.

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Psychiatrist appointment didn't go well at all. Basically - do you have private health? answer: we are working on it. His recommendations basically, are to be admitted.

new medication means he is treating it as type 1, despite him not saying so. Why does everyone else see it as serious?

[Saree_p]

Jojo,

I have just told everyone I do not want anymore psych involvement.

The telehealth psychiatrist - which my partner wanted me to see - has just upped one medication to literally the highest he can and altered my other to a medication used for bipolar 1 or scizophrenia.

I am done. I was coping and managing without all these drugs.

My partner is going - this is good, we are getting somewhere. I am so over it.

Both the telehealth psychiatrist and my psychologist have asked if we have private health cover basically to commit me - as we know the public system is of no help.

But I want NO ONE involved anymore. I am no longer working, nor am I being productive. I went and danced in the ocean for 2 hours (in clothing 🤣) my partner is crabby over the wet clothing.

[Saree_p]

The depressive side has hit hard today. Quite literally a 24 hour turn around from manic to extremely down.

I don't quite know what to do anymore. I really just want to wave the white flag.
 

[Saree_p]

medical tests came back with 'interesting results'. negative towards what we were looking for, but referral to a gastrologist.

Today has been so long and so hard. I haven't and haven't been at work - know there is a shit storm to return to. I just can't anymore.

My partner just doesn't get it, he says it'll pass. He may be right, but I am not sure I will come out of this one at all.

sorry for the horrid truth, life.