Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Hey 🙂 Sorry I have been MIA recently. Things! Jojo has been good at responding though.

Can I ask if the interesting result have anything to do moods or depression? Depression get linked with a few medical things like Parkinson's and haemochromatosis, plus others. I can imagine that it would be frustrating to do all these tests and feel like you are not getting closer to finding the answers you are looking for.

On the partner... guess it depends on how you define "it passing" - is that healing or management or something in between? I could make a similar statement about myself, but for me it is akin to climbing a mountain with unknown height and to get the peak have to go through a unknown number of valleys.

Look after yourself, and we are here with you,

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry I haven’t been in touch, but my friend is still in ICU. She is improving though which is great news.

I am glad work has been so understanding and allowing you time off. However, do you really think having no more psych input is a good decision? To me it sounds as though you still need their support.

Do you at least still see your GP?

How long do you have to have private hospital insurance before you can be admitted?

I am sorry the scans didn’t give you the diagnosis you were looking for. I take it that means they have ruled out gallstones. Hope further tests will give you answers.

Keep fighting through the low times by trying to distract yourself. You’re stronger than you think. You’ve got this.

Look after yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Sorry to you both.

Gallstones are ruled out Jojo. Basically it's s referral to a gastro specialist st this point because there are multiple obscurity on my test, that are abnormal for someone my age and size. Plus the fact that none of them add up at all.
A polyp on my gallbladder was found but apparently don't worry about it.

I'm just so tired. I'm finding it hard not to act on the thoughts, and the consequences don't matter anymore.

Jojo, I hope your friend is ok.

Tim, I hope you are finding better days.

I did contact my psychologist over low mood today, she simply asked if I was with my partner.
Can't be admitted for another couple of months Jojo, and reality, if u wait till then I won't have a job.
 

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Just wondering how you are feeling now? I hope you got your gastro problem sorted out.

My friend is much better now and has been moved from ICU to the psych ward where she is getting good support.

Are you still off of work? You said before you didn’t want any more contact with mental health services- is this still the case?

Take care. You are in my thoughts and prayers xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi JoJo,

Haven't really had that opportunity.

My partner got me taken to the emergency room by police.

Psychologist had pushed me to take meds and see private psychiatrist. This happened today. Ultimately a drastic change in medication to treat type 1 rapid cycling bipolar, he wouldn't give a diagnosis yet but the medication is for that purpose. And let's face it, it is what it is. Can Run we much as I want. I don't get far. It's a med I can't even think about getting pregnant on etc. I know it's a serious long term medication. U can't take that off the table for a female my age without it being a last resort. So today has been shit, the realisation that I'm not well and it's bad. I keep thinking it's not. I guess I don't realise the fall out for others ..
Glad ur friend is ok JoJo

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree,

I am so sad to hear what happened to you today. I will be honest and say that I do not fully understand** what is truly happening (and you do not have to write that here) and it sounds like a life of ups and most downs and while I have been somewhat absent, please know that my thoughts are with you.

** I did a google search on rapid cycling bipolar while writing this.

I am guessing there will be a lot a challenges to face, and your partner and Jojo and the people here at BB (myself included) will be there with you.

Tim

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

Ultimately it's too extremes and I've become apparently that unstable it's happening within a month.

Today was more here is this serious medication you have to take oh and by the way, you can't get pregnant due to deformities caused. This to me meant if I did accidentally fall pregnant I would have to do an abortion, which I'm against. Woret case scenario I know. But reality. It's also the choice removal and the reality I may never be able to bear a child. Apparently it's that serious. And U never felt it was

Sorry, it is hard to explain

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am so sorry to hear about what you have been through with the police and everything.

I understand your concerns about being on certain medications that can potentially cause birth defects should you decide to start a family. This is a really tough place to be and only you can decide what the best way forward is for you.

I decided not to have children which I don’t regret because without the medication I don’t think I would have had the stability to look after a baby.

However, you probably have to do some soul searching to figure out what is right for you.

I wish you well xox

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Jojo,

The one thing I've always wanted is kids. I often doubted my ability to do so and told myself I can't, but since meeting my partner I was looking forward to this. Of late (before meds) I was doubting it but he was making clear he wanted kids. So let's say its difficult atm that its necessary. feel so broken.

I should be more positive, my partner proposed last Saturday morning and I accepted. He picked a fantastic ring with forethought for the wedding bands. He knows me well.

But yet the last day or two I've been going down and am now crashing. The meds have helped limit the mania but not stop. And now I'm crashing.
Gotten stuff done today but been in tears. Physical pains tonight. Muscle ache etc
No reason for me to be this way yet my body portrays me as always

Hope you are all well,
Saree

[smallwolf]

Congrat to you and your partner.