Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Hi saree. Perhaps accepting it could be better than fighting against it. It is not giving in, but breathing through it. I hope that makes sense. Maybe a better analogy is swimming when caught in a rip. It may not make it easier....

And you are still doing things - either work or bowls or the BBQ. I do hope you will or can allow yourself to have a little bit of fun at the BBQ.

Lastly, and my psychologist like the mountain metaphor... Sometimes to get to the top of the mountain you have to go through valleys to get higher.

Hope your weekend is going ok.

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you are finding yourself rather fragile and tearful. However, I am glad you are still able to get out and about. Sounds like you have to keep up appearances by being witty for your partner’s father. Why not have a day off? Or does it help you feel more ‘normal’?

You keep saying you think your partner is an idiot to want to be with you. Please don’t tell him that as he seems to be really good for you - solid and reliable- qualities that can be hard to find.

Don’t worry too much about the laundry and other chores. You will get there when you are feeling better. Concentrate on getting through the next couple of days in any way you can - hour by hour if that’s what it takes.

Let me know how you get on with your appointment on Monday.

Best wishes to you xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💝

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim and Jojo,

Tim, defiantly didn't enjoy the bbq. Masked through it - not well apparently, and literally cracked the shits as soon as left. I didn't take the joking and fixation on me very well. But we resolved the issues and I medicated to stop the negative thoughts.

Today marks a further increase in medication (past the standard norm for my diagnosis), didn't have a chance to go through the manic presentation of things - which Jojo, think it leans more towards type 1 - which is hence his questioning, but I was unable to describe it last time. Looking at what I have written down it's pretty scary stuff - funny how at the time it feels awesome and like nothing is wrong.

how are you both holding up?

I've had a relatively good day, but feel so so low. Trying to convince others I am ok, is too hard and exhausting. Just want to barricade myself.

We think my latest health issues may be gallstones, so another issue to deal with.

Sorry dear friends, I would type more in response but I am pretty low and really don't want to cause concern for anyone or break the rules. so will keep it shortish.

Hope you are all well,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you didn’t enjoy the BBQ. It is really hard to be sociable when you are feeling low, but well done for making the effort. Also sorry to hear you may have gallstones which I believe is very painful. Hope that can be sorted out quickly.

I am glad you made it to the appointment with your psychiatrist. Sounds like he is trying to find the correct dosage of medication for you. Sometimes this can take a while, but is worth it when the balance is right.

How are you coping with work now? Have you managed to catch up a bit?

I am going well thanks. Went to the dentist today, but only needed a clean and polish, no drilling or needles thank goodness. Have now got the aircon cranked up as we are expecting 40 degrees today!

My thoughts are with you dear friend xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Hi dear friend,
The medication made me sick this morning, or something else.
We expect gallstones as bf mother had them and symptoms match.
Atm I feel awesome. Apparently been going up despite not feeling it. .. but bf informed me he saw it last night. I noticed it today when I was at home writhing plans. Its a plan I couldn't write last week and then could today.... we joke at work about having a qualification in creative writting (Which I do). Anyways, I've noted it but not used to it. The depression should last for another 4 months or 2 at least.
So sorry yes caught up on work, but had another day at home due to meds.

I know it can take a while..

But I feel great Jojo, wwnt to do everything, despite the not keepinf food down issue.

Thank you dear friend... hope the heat doesnt get u!!

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you have been feeling sick because of the medication or the gallstones. Can gallstones be treated without surgery or will you need an operation?

I am sort of glad you are feeling ‘awesome’ as you are managing to do things again, however, please keep a close eye on your mood in case it gets too high. This sounds unlikely to happen as your bf seems to be very aware of how you are travelling.

Had an icky sticky unpleasant 25 degrees last night making it hard to sleep. Yesterday was 42.7 degrees! Today is cooler, but humidity is high.

Hope the sickness settles down soon as you have enough to deal with.Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,
Sounds completely yucky. Kinda I moved back from the mainland.

No idea with gallstones, go for scans next Friday. GP thinks it is likely tho.

He had already been annoying and implementing bed times etc. I got very upset at him yesterday over it all. It seems everyone is happy for me to be down, but enjoying things is the worst thing in the world.
I am still at a manageable level, and really want to write, draw etc.

The medication increase did make me sick for a couple of days, but today seems to be better. Think it took a little bit for my body to adjust this time.

I kinda hope it is gallstones, because then I might be able to eat things we thought I couldn't. Itd be nice if it was, then maybe my diet wouldn't be so restrictive.

Got much planned for next couple of days?

Thanks Jojo

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad you think your body is adjusting to the increase in medication. That’s great if you feel like writing and drawing. I found that always helped me a lot. I also like doing collages as they are relaxing and quite revealing at the same time.

I guess people worry if they think you are becoming too chirpy as it could be an early warning sign that you might be heading for psychosis. I think at these times you might have to humour them provided you are sure you are actually fine. This might be frustrating and tedious, but it shows they care too.

Went to see A Beautiful Day in The Neighbourhood today. I enjoyed it though it is a little bit cheesy. Tom Hanks was good in the lead. Do you go to the movies much?

Take care and hope your scans show up the problem in your gallbladder.

With lots of love and best wishes Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

I do go occasionally. Glad to hear you enjoyed it.

Went to my psychologist on Thursday and she basically told me to take the PRN for mania. I dont like that medication, and my partner and I had an argument over it the night before.
So I took it, and took it yesterday arvo but I feel glittery yet my body wont go.... So ramping up tonight, but not going to take it. Sorry. Know this goes against all, but i hate it.

Got bowls competition tomorrow morning. Considering ive barely played and im using my partners bowling balls (too big for me) it'll be interesting 😂

[Jojo100]

Hope your lawn bowls competition goes well despite using your partner’s bowls. That’s a nice thing to be involved in. I used to play ten pin bowling in a league (which I know is totally different) but I really enjoyed it for the company and the competition.

I am glad you have a prn for your mania and I guess it’s up to you to learn when you need to take it. Does it help seeing your psychologist- have you noticed any insights or improvements in your mh? It’s good to set goals of what you want to get out of the sessions.

Are you back at work this week? Take care and be gentle with yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐