Reality check - Anxiety, Depression, PTSD

[Mathy]

Hi All, I live with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. My PTSD is pretty good, but the other 2 monsters not so. Last year I had arrived at a point where I was medication free, happy and functioning well. Then moving house and an incident at work left me back in the hole again. The work incident was a combination of a complete restructure of my hours and change of leadership - too much change, not handled well. I got suspended, and the process wasn’t handled well, so I bailed out of work for 3 weeks. In 6 years I’ve had 11 managers and #12 arrived 6 months ago, along with a change of 2/3 under managers. New manager is ok (but clueless) and the 2 new “under managers” are inclined to be variously, aggressive, rude and sarcastic. I guess that’s the reality of the “fast paced” world of retai - ha!

Slowly, over the last 6 months I’ve struggled to go to work, get out of bed, lost motivation, and lost the enjoyment of playing my sport - which ironically is important for maintaining my mental health. Sport is golf - so, exercise, challenge, discipline and friendships. I’m single, so this is important to me.

2 weeks ago I ran myself through a checklist and realised that I was NOT travelling at all well, so I upped my ADs and made an appt with my Psych - which is in 3 weeks time. Last Friday I had an enormous panic attack, following a Thursday night at work with the least favourite of the under managers. I guess my mind has decided it’s had enough, I ended up in ER (I’m 61, so can’t assume not a heart attack). So, I now have an appt with GP tomorrow and a sick certificate until next Monday - and I feel like rubbish.

So, if someone says to you that your work rate is “not good enough, *insert my name*”, in front of others, it could be interpreted as a joke or not. I’ve worked for this business for over 9 years, I work my butt off, and I found this insulting, joke or not. What do others feel? If once a week/fortnight one consistently had this sort of, or sarcastic interactions what would you think/feel? I guess I’m trying to decide if I’m being overly sensitive and possibly unfair.

Thoughts would be much appreciated, cheers M 🙂

[Mathy]

Saw my Psych Monday for 2nd session. We did imagery, which is a combination of guided meditation for relax, and then imagining the situation that caused the crisis, and then summoning the stronger “you” to deliver the response you really wanted to. very scary/interesting as putting myself back in that situation really revved the anxiety response - so I’m not imagining it. Felt calm at work after this and for Tuesday. today I’ve had an awful day, but I’ve realised something.

Because my job is very physical, it is actually a massive distraction and help for anxiety. Trouble is, anxiety then impacts on my quiet time at home, in my safe space grrrr!

Plus I’m still waiting for my increased ADs to kick in - I have zero energy and motivation outside of working and playing golf (and quite a lot of the time I’m forcing that) . I’m beating myself up about not getting on with stuff - I know that’s bad, but I’m feeling incredibly frustrated about my inability to do something important like cutting Yanni’s toenails because they need doing, and quite a few other things too.

Sheesh!

Man Sparrow has not made any progress - Lady Sparrow is still hanging around. Feels like a metaphor for my life at the moment .......

[demonblaster]

Mathy it does sound interesting but bloody scary the imagery. Are you happy with your response from the stronger you?

Good works giving you a distraction, yeah without distraction can be quite dangerous with the depressed mind. Though also can allow time to work on things but hard balance.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, depression wanting you to be miserable everyway pos. You'll get there, for now you need to rebuild and get energy back and motivation that'll come in good time I hope.

Always good hearing from you and our birdy saga, cute jobs, wow, so she's hanging around again aye. Mmmm sounds like he's playing hard to get now. Enough with the flirting you two

Take good care of yourself Maths 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi Mathy,

Wow, that sounds very intense, I am always amazed how they make you relive the painful moments of your life but I do know it is all for the better as well. Sounds like it made somewhat of a difference for you, which is great.

Hopefully the ad's kick in for you and you start to see the benefits of them. You just have to keep trying to find that energy and motivation as much as you can.

Regarding the anxiety and work, I actually have the exact same thing because my work is so high pressure, I find that is when my anxiety is gone because it is a distraction but when I am home alone in my safe space, it ramps up because my mind goes into overdrive. It's not fun at all.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

My best,

Jay

[Mathy]

Hi DB,

I’m not sure how I feel about the imagery thing. I guess my issue with the person who yelled at me and caused the crisis to peak, has always been that I’m going to blow up. I have PTSD, so, if I fly off the handle, it will be a ripper. On the other hand, I’m Buddhist, so I don’t like flying off the handle. All of which leaves me in a very messy position.

So the stronger “me” has to be the assertive, calm me - which is bloody difficult to locate most of the time lol

On the whole, I feel the imagery (which I’m also practising) is useful.

Thanks for your thoughts, helpful as usual :

No update on the Sparrow saga, yikes! Hugs M 🙂

[demonblaster]

Heya 🙂 Hey thx for hugs over there other thread too, back at cha, good ones too not these half ones 😄

Yeah and this would be new to you too the imagery? so would all be pretty in your face I'd imagine, even if not new sounds full on either way. Does that happen again?
Agree reliving would be very hard but I guess necessary to be able to move through. It is interesting but do feel for you.

You know what's good is that you're aware & thinking about it all, realizing works a distraction & home time = think time. We need to nut it all out but along the way learn to take the emotion out somehow. Probs where mindfulness comes in.

Yeah I've got a temper but don't like it unleashing, much prefer to talk stuff out. No lady when I go off, beep beep and beep lol. Haven't gone off for yonks which is good. Yeah here ya, when people hold it in or are placid and go off it's like a bomb aye.

Mathy don't be hard on yourself ok, in time you're going to get through this crap and you've got us here.
Get rested as much as you can, vital for body and esp mental health.

xx

[Mathy]

Hi Jay,

Thanks for your reply. Yes imagery is intense, but the alternative was “chair work” and I’m not going there 😊

It’s really interesting, I obviously still have all of the imagery from the roof collapse that caused my PTSD, but I can comfortably live with that imagery, if that makes sense.

But the re-imagining of this incident really wound up the fear/anxiety symptoms. Actually, now I think about it, it was fear symptoms, not anxiety symptoms - that’s an “AHA!” Moment - thanks 😊

Work is a great distraction unless I get a customer with poor attitude (yes, I believe that customers should endeavour to be polite and realistic, unfortunately a lot of them are a*** holes), or “leadership choose to behave badly, which is my current problem.

In terms of becoming mentally healthier via exercise, I’m kind of flummoxed. I’m a filler, and have been for a while (by choice), so in an average week, I shift around 1000kgs of paint and other stock, move heavy pallets (>500kg) probs about 1km a week, walk and additional 5km a week backwards and forwards. For fun I play golf 3 times a week, that’s another 30km. I’m seriously not in a position to go to a gym, go for a run or bike ride for “exercise” - I’ve already done it!

I think I’m going to substitute the exercise component of getting better with something like learning to play my mini Maton guitar.

And dear Jay, today was a better day, hugs to you, thanks cheers M 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi Mathy,

It is amazing how fear and anxiety symptoms are so similar yet so different, when my anxiety was at it's peak, I wasn't sure if it fear or anxiety but all in the all the results are the same I think. It doesn't help our mental state either way but it is good that you worked out it was fear not anxiety that winds up when you think of that moment in your life.

I agree, I wish all customers were nice, a nice customer can really change your day for the better. Amazing how much exercise which is disguised as work you do, that sounds like such a full on week and no one can fault you for not wanting to go to the gym after all that. Golf is great too, inadvertently doing cardio without knowing it.

The idea of learning a musical instrument is great too, can really help take the pressure off your mind.

Glad you had a better day the other day and I am hoping the weekend was kind to you as well.

My best,

Jay

[Mathy]

Hi Jay,

I’ve been doing some pondering on the fear/anxiety thing.

To me they are definitely seperate, but I wonder if that’s because I have a magnified fear reaction due to my PTSD. That’s something I have talked to my psychologist about. When I get a “fright”, my reaction is magnified/abnormal because that fight/flight response is bigger than it should b, despite how comfortable I might be about my PTSD triggers. It’s just the way it is. I’m ok as long as I can recognise/accept that - one can always work with what we accept.

Thank you for your good thoughts Jay, I hope that you are travelling well, cheers M 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi Mathy,

I can understand all of that, I like your train of thought actually, it really makes a lot of sense and hopefully it allows you to overcome this to some degree, you really deserve it.

My best,

Jay

[Mathy]

Thanks Jay 🙂