Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Just Sara]

Good morning SN;

Wow! You've done a bang up job of side-tracking your brain. Well done lovely!

Expectations - You've misinterpreted my words just a little, so to clarify, I used the word 'want' not 'expect'. One of the hardest things to do is identify what it is we want; from others and from/for ourselves. When my psych asked me this, it shook me up. I was so focused on everyone else, I didn't know how to ask for what I wanted or desired, especially if I was asked "What do you want from me?"

I said in my last post this'd be hard for you being so young. I'm not surprised you got a bit confused; I just wanted you to consider it.

When I asked if you'd done the things I suggested, it was to get you to talk more...that's all. I have no expectations except that you be yourself. What I expect from myself, is to support you to do this. Nothing you say is irrelevant. I want what's best for you ok?

My advice will always be to help you get thru these tough times, not to test or judge you. Please don't delete this thread, it's a pathway for you to reach us...people who care, and to vent your frustration and pain.

By getting out and doing what you've done, you've supported yourself; this is so great hun! I'm very proud of you indeed. (Not disappointed) Calling your helpline is wonderful, I'm so glad you have people there for you.

Sometimes it's difficult for me facing young people who're in a state of distress; I can be triggered by feeling a bit helpless. Though knowing where you're at from my own life's trials and wanting to build you up spurs me on. My intent is genuine ok?

When I said I'd like to reach thru the screen and hug you, I truly meant it. Hugs are GOLD! So take care of you, and try not to read too much into what I write. I'm here for you, it's what I do.

Sara

[startingnew]

Hi Sara

Umm Thanks.....

well i dont really know how to answer what i want from anyone- except probably support would be nice and for myself to stop being a disapointment to everyone-though i dont know how to change that.

i dont really know what to talk about, so ask as many questions as you can think of. ive been shut down for so long i dont know how to open up. it was scary and hard enough to write on the forums and the hardest part was typing up my story.

i dont even know who i am anymore or who i want to be, all i know is who i was and im not that person anymore. i dont know how to be different. i dont know anything.

yes i can tell your a very genuine and caring person Sara .

i understand triggers, im quite susceptable to them and ver very easily set off and takes me a very long time to come back down to earth or pull myslef back up

[blondguy]

Hi SN

I wont write a long post as when we have a 'tired' mind depression can shorten our concentration levels....I know I have trouble reading too much when my depression levels are up.

I hope your day was good to you....How was your day? 🙂

you are the same person SN, Its hard to see the light when you are surrounded by dark clouds...I remember..I was lost too....

you do deserve some peace of mind sn.....I hope we can be there with you along this rocky crappy road 🙂

my kindest thoughts for you

Paul

[startingnew]

Hi Paul

thank you for your support 🙂 im glad the forums are here.

my day was again stressful, i encountered 3 triggers, and was helping a friend through a panic attack, as well as caring and the usual things i do through the day. the triggers just made it harder

[Just Sara]

Good morning SN;

I must say, you did so well replying to me. I do understand it's difficult opening up on here, though less stressful than face to face. So well done! I'm proud of you...

I thank Paul too for lightening the conversation which was becoming a bit frantic for us both I must say. It's unfair of me to put so much on you in such a short time; I'm sorry about that.

Learning to share your pain by writing, takes a huge amount of courage and self insight. You're doing it though, and that's fabulous. Continuing to post will become easier as time passes, and you'll begin to create a 'style'. That's what we all do.

I see by your last response to Paul, you express how there's a sense of caring for others in you. This is a common denominator among BB members. I've been on here since October '15. I'm now a volunteer peer supporter, still learning, and developing my style of writing.

You said you wanted me to ask questions, so here goes;

Is there anything that makes you feel passionate or joyful? For me it's writing. It used to be in my journal, but BB has helped me explore this further, to my delight.

Finding what works for you is important for the long journey of recovery. It's like a soft pillow to lean on when times are tough. I won't ask anything else today ok.

Hope you have a peaceful day hun...

Sara​

[startingnew]

Hi Sara

hopefully i answered that with the same meaning that you were trying to get across....

i journal all the time but sometimes it makes it worse for me, relieving my day and all thats happening. like yesterday i didnt write in it as i came across 3 triggers and i was trying to get through them as well as helping a friend through a panic attack which put alot of strain on my energy levels, i didnt think they could get much lower but i found out they can.

i like to write short stories but havent done that for about a year now, i like to do my studies but sometimes it gets overwhelming and i find it very hard to concentrate when im in a low mood.

ive lost quite alot of joy in everything that i do and use to find enjoyable. im not that passionate anymore but i continue to help retrain horses and do enjoy it. i like helping people and helping them get through tough times or problem solving, making sure they are ok and are well as well as hoping to see them succeed in what ever their endevours are.

[Just Sara]

Hi hun;

Reading your last post made me smile. There's clarity and intent behind your words and a little more confidence too. Well done!

Journaling can be triggering, but I found if I write without thinking about it, some pearls of wisdom can come thru the words now and then. It's also good to look back and remember positive changes that happen. I have around 20 books packed away.

So, retraining horses, short stories, study and helping others. A great list I must say! Animals have a way of creating calm in us humans; horses and dogs especially. And writing stories gets the creative juices flowing, I hear you on that one.

Losing passion and joy tends to come with the territory unfortunately, but it still lives inside us. Making your day as simple as possible may challenge you, but too many activities or problems will quickly overwhelm. I know it feels good to help others, but please be mindful of your well being first and foremost.

I know...I nag! Do you have a special place that feels peaceful?

Keep up the good work. You're doing really well...

Take care...Sara

[startingnew]

i write it out each day on my computer or when i can as my sisters and my mother im sure snoop around my room when im not there so its all on my locked computer, cause who needs privacy right?

i hate putting myself first, it feels strange to me and something in me says that it isnt right and others should come first no matter what.

you can nag, your nagging just might be helpful 😉 unlike what im copping at the moment

i havent really found a place as yet for now. it use to be with my horses but since ive lost the joy i dont even really like going there most of the time. i dont really travel around that much either unless its to whichever health professional i have to go to. i ahd another place but thats always where i end up when i SH so its not really a 'peaceful' place not what i need anyway. Soi dont have a place right now, hopefully in the near future i will find one.

[Just Sara]

OMG...I so hear you on the snooping thing!

My ex poked around in my journals while I was in hospital a few yrs ago. I knew because he blurted out something from it during a quarrel...bastard!

It's a shame about your horses not doing it for you anymore, they're such beautiful animals.

My special place is everywhere, but not all the time. No, I'm not being a smartarse. Feeling a cool breeze on my face is my fave thing. I stood at my front door last night with my eyes closed taking slow breaths; pretty bloody nice indeed. It's even better if I feel a few spots of rain on my face; mmm...

I'm loving the tone of your writing; keep it up and you'll be a pro in no time. Yay!

Sara...the ole nag!

[startingnew]

oh yes they snoop very badly. i hate it. no privacy at all. geez.

i still have them and care for them and stuff but i just dont have the passion i sue to a few years ago. i dont know whats wrong with me. cool breezes are great esp after a hot day and a southerly comes through. thats my favourite type of cool breeze.

my tone of writing?

and your not an old nag at all Sara

ive just hit a downer again 😞