Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

struggling again 😞

[Just Sara]

I'm so sorry to hear this hun;

Although I can't realistically do anything to directly help, I'll try to support you by telling you of my own trials with these up's and down's.

What I figured out thru trial and error, is that positive steps and growth made me panic. The fear used to be so intense I thought I'd die. When I realised being happy or confident with something was a trigger, it helped to lesson the fear. Not completely mind you, but to a high degree, enough to be able to cope. Eventually, I learned to accept happiness as a gift, not a sign of dread.

And that's the key SN; learning to cope. It was about understanding me, not them. I worked out a lot of my triggers by recounting my steps over the day after taking PRN anti anxiety medication to help calm and balance my thoughts. In essence; I started having a relationship with 'me' for the first time in my life.

Another trigger is wanting to stand up for myself when I'm faced with speaking up. Once when I had electricians doing work inside, they walked mud thru my house. The rest of the day I spent in high anxiety mode not knowing why.

I took my medication and relaxed, then went over my day step by step. When I got to the morning with those workmen, the anxiety instantly increased. I sorted thru my responses and what I could've done but was too scared to, and knew it was ok...it was just mud.

What it did do though, was inform me about what triggered (fear of consequences) and how to cope in the future. The anxiety dropped to normal in a few moments because I had the courage to seek answers; I got to know me just that little bit more.

I don't know if you'll get anything out of my story, but it reflects how our relationship with ourselves is the most important of all; no-one else knows us better.

Please take it easy and fill your time with activities you know work, or call your helpline for encouragement.

Warm thoughts;

Sara

[startingnew]

I realise how little i mean to people. i mean nothing.
its abit like walking down a long dark street never knowing when a light might flick on to show me the way or give me some hope.
im tired of trying. tired of hoping. tired of coping. tired of exisiting. tired of breathing. i think im done.
dear everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a disapointment. im sorry i cant live up to your expectations. im sorry i was born. im sorry if ive hurt you. im sorry if ive made you miserable. i deserve all the blame and hatred i have gotten. everything is my fault and im sorry.

[startingnew]

im locked within the walls of my own minds and i just cant escape it.
Pain. Pain all the time. It runs through my veins a fast flowing river with nothing there to stop it.
Just get over it they say. i wish i could, im living minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. im struggling with memories that haunt me everyday and i dont think they will ever fade.
my thoughts are overwhelming and what hurts me the most is when people pretend to care but really they dont.
im so scared. things just arent the same anymore. im not doing anything right anymore. ive lsot myself, the person i once knew isnt here anymore. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i dont belong here or in reality. no where. i have constant feelings of being unworthy and hopeless, of being a prisioner in my own body.
i have so much pain physically and mentally. i try to stay happy. i try to keep smiling. i try to be brave. i try to be stong. i try to act like everything is ok but im far from it.
i never know when im going to have a 'good' day and at any minute im triggered and takes such a long time to recover.
there are monsters living inside me, attacking me, ripping me apart from the inside. i dont think its ever going to end
but its ok "ill just have to get over it" just as expected

[Just Sara]

Oh Sweetie;

I know where you're at and how it feels, I really do, but the reality is I can't help except to be on here and talk.

You've done a bang up job of expressing how you are atm, I'm proud and happy you're able to write. I'm reading with enthusiasm as it's more than you've written for a while...well done!

When I first had my breakdown, I became psychotic and delusional, seeing/hearing people and things floating round the room. I never slept and lived on coffee and cigarettes with a low dosage medication that didn't help.

Nobody came to visit so I was a mess. I literally lived each moment at a time, alone with thoughts so overwhelming, I thought someone was inside me; it was the most frightened I've ever been in my whole life. Those days are over now by the Grace of God; I got thru it and am here sharing my story with you because I did whatever it took.

I know from what you've written, you have that same 'will'.

The biggest help for me was a really good anti anxiety medication that put me to sleep each night, and kept me sane during my worst moments. That was the beginning of my recovery.

Your whole post resonates with my worst times SN. I made it and so can you...

Take care...Sara

[startingnew]

i cant cope anymore. mum and i had another argument. she thinks im sneaking around as i went out at 7 30, i tried to contact her but her phone was off. she hates me. she just tells me to grow up.
oh and now im a smart a## becasue i was telling her what appointments i had the coming week.
i cant win. im done.
i called a helpine already and i pretty much brushed everything off. i dislosed what happened to me and i just fell apart. ive compleley lost it.
im a MONSTER!!!

i realise now that i mean absolutly nothing to anyone. i think im done

[startingnew]

I
realise how little I mean to people. I mean nothing.
Its
abit like walking down a long, dark corridor, never knowing when the
light will go on.
Im
tired of trying. Tired of hoping. Tired of coping. Tired of existing.
Tired of breathing. Tired of living. I think im done.
Dear
everyone that knows me, im sorry im such a dissapointment. Im sorry I
cant live up to your expectations. Im sorry I was every born. Im
sorry if I I hurt you. If sorry I made you miserable.

[startingnew]

i cant cope anymore. mum and i had another argument. she thinks im sneaking around as i went out at 7 30, i tried to contact her but her phone was off. she hates me. she just tells me to grow
i cant win. im think im done.
i called a helpine already and i pretty much brushed everything off. i dislosed what happened to me and i just fell apart. ive compleley lost it.
im a MONSTER!!!up.
oh and now im a smart a## becasue i was telling her what appointments i had the coming week.

[startingnew]

im a total monster. i deserve nothing

[Starwolf]

Sorry I couldn't be there for you those last couple of days (a shoddy NBN installation blew up my modem!).

Perspective is everything. You see yourself as a worthless monster because you are caught up in your pain. I see you from the outside, the point of view of someone who once was in a similar situation but is now out of it. I see gold under trauma tarnish.

Disclosing what happened to you shows a great deal of honesty. Please keep in mind that disclosure does often feel like surgery without anesthetic. Every time it happens, you relive the past. A normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

If you no longer have a haven in the outside world, why not create your own inner sanctuary ? You can landscape it, decorate it or furnish it in any way that makes you feel safe and nurtured. Day after day, you can add to it or discard whatever you no longer need. It is your own private space, somewhere to retreat to when the outside world becomes scary or a nuisance. Like all mental stuff, it takes a while before it becomes fully functional but it is worth persisting. No one, nothing can follow you there without an invitation.

Please rest assured that this cyber family is another type of haven...here there's no expectations, no judgment. Only people who can see YOU through the veil or darkness. Not what your reaction to the past is making you believe that you are. Because it is a deceiver. We know the real you is trapped under emotional rubble. Here you are appreciated for who you are...even if you don't.

I know how infuriating it is to have people telling you to "get over it". It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care...they just don't understand. How could they when it is all so hard to understand for those of us who live it, day in day out ?