Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

I am just saying hello and dropping off some gentle big sis hugs...no quota 😉

I need to go now, but I’ll be back some time over the next couple of days to chat with you 🙂

Sending blue butterflies, rainbows in the sky (I read it’s one of your favourite things), and much love to you...sitting with you, lovely one...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[Lici]

Hi startingnew,

Sorry to read that things are a bit terrible for you atm. I really hope you get things sorted out (at least physically) soon!

You'd be seeing superb fairywrens. That's the one in my pic, it's just the one in my pic is a young male so was still getting his blue and black when I took the picture. The females are all brown with a bit of orange around their eye and the males can look the same but black around the eyes when they're not I breeding plumage, or like the one in my pic when they're starting to get their breeding plumage or fully blue and black with a bit of brown on their back. They're the cutest little birds!

There's also a splendid fairywren though and the males are all blue with a little bit of black around their eyes and head. A lot less black than the superb fairywren though. I haven't seen one of those ones yet, I'll be so excited when I do!

Uni was indeed hectic but I'm done now until I find out about honours in December. I can't believe I've finished a degree! It's a bit surreal!

Please give yourself a break, even a little one where you drive to the nearest conservation park and have a look at the birds and butterflies. It's not healthy to continuously put yourself under so much strain and that will show up both physically and mentally. Don't feel guilty for looking after yourself.

Hugs xx

Lici

[Peppermintbach]

Hello Wild Wings (let’s thank lovely M_M for that name),

Wild Wings...I like that 🙂

Sigh, you’ve always been everything to everyone else. I feel it’s no wonder you don’t know who you would be if you weren’t playing all those roles...you’ve never really had a chance to get to know yourself. I feel your identity was always in association with someone else (carer, “mother”, sister, etc)...

Is it okay if I ask how did the hospital appointment go today? I bet you’re very tired after all that travelling, plus I know sometimes medical appointments can be nerve racking and triggering. Sending you some gentle hugs and comforting thoughts...

The fever sounds awful. You seem very run down, but the infection aside, I wonder if it’s also everything else. You have enough responsibilities for 15 people, as far as I can tell...

I also hope that one day you can have more of your own life. Do things just for yourself...I suppose, for now, a break is the next best thing. Like Lici, I also wonder if there’s any chance of a break happening soon...I know you have a lot going on, so even if it’s a short one. Just to recharge a little...

You’re always such an attentive and sensitive little sister 🙂 Thank you dearly for caring. That means a lot. Yes, I’ve been having a bit of a rough time for a range of reasons. I’ve just a lot happening offline (multiple issues), so that’s been getting to me a fair bit...

Yesterday, I wasn’t feeling my best, and this tiny white butterfly suddenly appeared. Definitely cheered me up 🙂

Today, a black and orange butterfly flew very close to me, almost grazed my arm. Butterflies always make me think of you. Warms my heart 🙂

Oh Little Wings, I know who you mean...I know you’re feeling both happiness and sadness. As you said, it’s “bittersweet.” Can I wrap both arms around you and offer you an extra big hug?

Sending much love and affection...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Lici


Thank you or your msg, I really love the little birds. The ones I see mostly have quite abit of blue and black on them. They are rather sweet. I dont really see many of the brown ones.
I havent been close enough to check out the other details like the colour around their eyes though, if I can get close enough I might be able to though.


Congrats on finishing your degree, I hope you can get into honours as well! Sounds like you need a bit of a break too though to give your brain a reset.


I went to the beach the other day which was nice, I havent really been going to many places more just when I need to go cause I dont have a car either at the moment and need to be around for pop.

sending much love, hugs and fairywrens

xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Peps,

yes your right, im always a 'someone else' not just 'me' so to speak so I guess that makes things harder as well.

It was a huge day. 4.5 hrs of ravel all up. I went in for the assessment and most of my questions were answered like what sort of sedation, time off work.. Ill be have the 4 wisdom teeth taken out, a broken tooth and tooth thats been badly impacted so has damaged the other tooth so that has to come out as well. So 6 teeth all up. I have to go back in a few weeks to see the surgical team to talk more, which will answer the rest of the questions as well as setting the date.

the fevers broken thankfully so feel abit better but still run down. It would be a combination of everything plus upcoming things. Ive got 2 assignments to go and I cant get motivated to do either of them. I started one tonight but im finding it so overwhelming. The one im working on now is 15 pages and thats just the instructions 😕 I still have to do all the questions, research, write a medical report, and then the next assignment I need to do a vocab test so have to doa a recoring of a medical report, and also go through their words list.


My break will be when I have surgury but it looks like my recovery isnt going to be as I had planned- which was to get some help around the house and someone to keep checking in on pop so that I can rest for abit. But I tried talking to mum and that convo didnt go well. I was only asking about some services and she said well thats what your there for :( its pretty much just made me sink so slow again just as I was starting to get abit of air again. I guess I just have to make sure everything is in order a day or 2 before I go and that includes his meals as well which I was going to get like meals on wheels but doesnt look likely either.


Hugs for all the rough things you have to deal with, I know you dont talk to much about them here but im ready and listening if you want to talk about anything at all. Im so glad you seen some butterflies. You must be sending rainbows while im sending butterflies!


Yes thankyou, that would be such a lovely hug! I think its something I need about now. It really is bittersweet, but its hitting abit hard for me as she was pretty much the one who welcomed me, and also helped me not end things at the start so theres quite abit of meaning behind our friendship.
I know ill be fine Its just kinda come while everything else is happening

love, hugs and 🦋🦋🦋

xoxoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello little wild butterfly wings..(cute)..hi Peppy..

Thinking of you beautiful butterfly, sitting with you as well if that’s okay....Oh I bought some snacks, 🎂🍰🍫🥨..🍩🥛🍪thought if you can’t sleep, we may as well do the next best thing and eat some yummies, while we chat away..

Im pleased to hear your fever has broken and you’re feeling a little better..you do sound so run down, 2 x assignments, sounds hard..I was good with school, wanted to do things, but was forced out 3 months into year 8..so I’m not smart..A 15 page assignment would take me probably the whole semester.😁...I’m really so very proud of you Little Wild Butterfly.. you’re doing so very good...

Inhope you sleep good tonight and get lots of good quality sleep, to keep you strong and healthy each day....

Love and hugs..💜💜🤗🤗.

Grandy....

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Wild Wings (and a wave to all),

I’m offering bonus hugs in this post. They’re extra comforting and extra warm ones, because I know how much you’re struggling. Each hug is jam packed with love 🙂

I feel sad, and admittedly disappointed, by your mum’s response. Just to be clear, I’m disappointed by her response (not you).

Once again, I feel she just takes your for granted. That you’re there to serve whatever “purpose” she needs.

Surely, and especially as your mum, you would think that she would want you to have your own life, and not have to constantly be at your family’s beck and call. Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be the case...extra hugs...

I’m glad the fever has gone down a bit, but I bet you’re worried about the upcoming surgery. 6 teeth is a lot, but I’ll be holding your hand the whole time...

Oh Little Wings, I know you miss her, and yes, timing is everything. I know she means the world to you, and you’ve some very cherished memories with her.

I realise it’s not the same, but she will always live on in your heart. Maybe she won’t be around much, but you’re still enveloped in her love and protection. For you, this much, I believe...

Your hugs are most welcome and lovingly accepted 🙂 Thank you so very much. I know you’re here for me, and I’m truly blessed to have you in my life.

I have been having a rough time, perhaps more so than I let on. But sometimes I don’t talk about things, because I don’t want to give further emotional weight to my problems/issues, because as odd as it sounds, I don’t have time to fall apart.

My psych recently commented about my stoic way of describing emotional issues or my struggles, and I hadn’t even noticed. To me, it “just is” if that makes sense...it’s not good or bad, it’s just my life...

I saw a quote recently that really resonated... it went something like “you’re an adult when you want to cry for 4 days straight, but don’t have time.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I saw it...but enough about me....

Sending you blue skies (hopefully no thunderstorms for you today) plus much love and enduring affection...

“Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Grandy


Thank you for sitting with me last night, that was so lovely of you xox


im up to section 2 out of 6 now. I spent some time today getting section 1 done and section 2. section 2 is huge though I hadnt realised how big, I have to write a min 7 page report on an illness (theyve given me some choices). It is really hard! But slowly working through it at least.
Your smarter than you think you are little angel, everyone has their different qualities though, being smart isnt the bees knees so to speak.


I still havent been sleeping properly, my teeth are really paining me and my hands flared up and its crunching so I might need to see the dr about it. And that was only from doing a few hrs crochetting- I made some butterflies yesterday.


My anxiety is really up lately, like cant breathe and chest pain anxiety. Im not sure why though, it could be so much stress and being overwhelmed though.
Hopefully it eases soon...


Thanks little angel
Love, hugs and butterflies
xoxoxoxox

[startingnew]

HI Peps

thanks so much for your warm and comforting hugs. Yes unfortunatly im dissapointed in the response too though I really shouldnt be surprised. I cant set up anything at home now because itll just cause arguments, ill just have to write a list out and make sure ive done it before surgury to make sure that there will be minimal work for me. Im not really sure they are understadning the extent of this surgury. I know its not a major heart surgury or the likes, but 6 teeth (4 of which are classed as major dental surgury) as well as bits of jaw bone scraped away and possible complicated that may require further treatment or permanent damage doesnt seem like a walk in the park either.
It wouldve made me feel better had I of got a nurse in just every second day for the week to not only check on pop but to make sure im not missing warning signs that need further checking after the dentist. But it really just feels like it doesnt matter. And yes im worried. Very worried. this will be my first surgury. i went from no dentist to needing major dental work- how convienient and just my luck lol.

Im not really sure what to do in regards to having my own life, I feel so stuck but I cant do much at the moment so I guess ill have to keep coping the best I can.

Thanks for the reassurance Peps, I know im with her as shes with me too. Ill be fine, it just takes me a little bit as I have to get through the 'abandonment' stage. It comes with the BPD Territory, likes to overexagerate everything.

I thought you mightve been having a particularly rough time, you tend to go a little quiet as well.
Maybe its just the little sister 6th sense..
I get what you mean by 'I dont have time to fall apart' and also love the quote you chose too.
It can be hard to talk about things sometimes when they just become apart of life in no particular ie good or bad. Its kinda the same as the horses for me too, they are kinda just there now and ive had people say wheres your passion gone because I just talk in a 'meh' way.
Im prob on the wrong track but im pretty sure I know what your talking about too.

If it does help your welcome to talk here (or where you think is best) about any specific that maybe you need help with 'nutting out' so to speak or just need to get off your chest. Theres always room for your worries here.

Sending much love, hugs and butterflies
Dusk till Dawn
xoxoxox

[demonblaster]

Hi SLD 🤗

I'll catch up in the next couple of days did read your reply I thought I answered I'll check notes later but anyway saw above wow awesome your tums come good, that was a major grief happy for you but darling the ideas not to replace pain with carpel tunnell and yikes hand I think.

Aww darlin you really do have so much to deal with, always said love your steel.

Auntys blanky you can only do what you can do, don't know how you manage everything. Your a trouper and truly amazing

Much love sweet and my my thankyee for those beeeutiful choccys, here's a little treat for you, take note choccys not included 😄🤗 🍨.., nah can't be mean...here have one of Peppys 🍫

Bbl sometime for proper catch up.

Night darlin/s 😴🕊