Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Hi Lici

you are so very close and took quite a lot of my thoughts out though.

it reads to me like everyone that's around you expects you to just be there and do everything for them. I admit that I haven't read your thread in its entirety, but from what I have read it speaks to me as if everyone puts you last so you've learnt to put yourself there too

this part here pretty much describes the story of my family. I guess you are right too that ive learnt now that I come last even if it shouldnt be that way. It is a hard mindset to get out of and even harder to put into play. i really do feel like a nothing

thank you xoxoxox

Hi SL
thank you for your hugs and care xoxo
my teeth are a constant droan atm with intense flare ups. Hopefully itll all be over soon.

thank you xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi my Peps,
thank you for your hugs and care too. I can focus abit on others like other postings but its hard to convey my own thoughts and emotions. Things were really bad over the weekend. I didnt know how I was getting through that but its still continued onto today. Im holding on till wednesday when I see a new gp and hopefully itll be a med change or something or suggested.
Yeah I know, it really is hard. Others mean the world to me but I mean nothing to them.


I do have some hrs to myself to organise whatever but I get bored. My life is busy and full on but really repetitive so I get bored too. I needed to go to work but itll have to wait now till after I pick up the kids as theres not enough time.
I had a complete meltdown yesterday and last night. I was at mums house over the weekend because I wasnt safe at home on my own (pop went away for the weekend) and I ended up having a meltdown first because I have no money, my accounts in arrears and im sick of people lying to me about them paying me. Then the second one was too many triggers ina short time and I really just wanted to go home so I left for a while to at least reget me head together abit.


Yeah the horse books are alright, not really into horses much now but the books are still good.


I care very much about you peps, it is a wonderful feeling to feel that connection with someone/s. Im so glad youve got your supports this week. Will be here if you need to chat/debrief or anything.

thanks so much xoxoxo

[Lici]

Hi startingnew,

It really is a hard mindset to get out of, I still struggle to say no to my family and feel guilty when I do most of the time, but I also remind myself that I'm important too and no-one is going to look after my health but me. I used to think I was being selfish, but who is going to look after our mental and physical health if not ourselves? It's not selfish, and it takes a lot of strength to say " I'm sorry, I can't help you right now because I'm not well myself and I need to take care of myself right now" it took me a good portion of my life (and a lot of psych sessions) to be able to do that and now I don't feel as guilty as I used to, but I still struggle with it. When your family drums into you that you come last it takes a lot of effort to unlearn that, but it can be done. Xxx

I'm sorry to read that you had a bad night. I hope that the new gp is a good one and that they help more. Hugs

Lici

[Peppermintbach]

Hi beautiful Butterfly Wings (and a wave to Lici and all),

I’m so glad Lici really understands what you’re going through. What a poignant and compassionate reply from her/him. Of course I feel sad that you feel as though you’re at the bottom of a “priority list” but it must mean a lot to have someone get it...and Lici truly gets it...

Gentle hugs from me. You must have been very overwhelmed yesterday. End of your tether type of overwhelmed...one person can only take so much...

The money problems sound very stressful and upsetting. As if you needed that on top of your career duties, triggers, physical health issues, etc.

Sorry, can I ask which one of your employers hasn’t been paying you? That’s horrible and it also isn’t legal...

Thank you ever so much for your gentle caring and well wishes. I do feel very connected to you, which is something that I cherish and hold close to heart 🙂

I have been struggling and the last couple of days have been particularly rough...thanks again for your gentle caring. You are the best online little sis ever...

Much love, as always

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Lici

that is true, it was proven today that its only me that can help myself. Hard way to live though.
Im glad that your able to say 'no' though, big kudos to you as it is heaps tough!
I see the new gp tomorrow thankfully, hopefully she is good...
thanks heaps for your help and hugs, I very much appreciate it xoxoxoxox




Hello Peps,


it is good to have someone understand but I so appreciate anyone even trying to understand. I know it can quite complicated even for me to understand.
I was very much at the end of my tether, I still am. Today was really hard. When I was at mums house and it was just me and my sisters, one asked if I could have a sleepover on the weekend and I said maybe and the response was oh actually I dont think you should cause mum and bf arent happy when your around. I said oh ok, do they only act like that when im around and she said yes. Was really hard to hear. I dont even know what to make of it anymore though it shouldnt surprise me.


Money issues are tight and arent helping at all. Shes a private client of mine who keeps making excuses, yesterday I said todays my last day unless your going to pay (it had been 5 weeks and spoke at 2 and 4 weeks with the response of ill transfer now but never did) they transferred this time so is abit of relief.
I have started learning how to crochet now, I dont have anything else to do. I said that at mums house to and she got angry at me and said I already told you what to do- learn to make like decorative invitations like you see for weddings or christenings sort of thing.
Aww your so sweet xox

do you want to talk about whats happening for you? I had a feeling things might be abit rough for you. Warm squishy hugs and will take up my place on your shoulder.

Dusk till Dawn and much love xoxoxo

[Lici]

Hi Startingnew (and Pepper),

I'm female Pepper 😊 my actual name is Alicia (pronounced aliCia not Aisha) lici (leesee) is my nickname. 😊

I think in the end it's the same for everyone startingnew, people can be there to support others, but everyone is responsible for their own wellbeing. It's the level of support that differs and it sounds like you have the same amount as I did in my 20s... zilch.

It really sucks that your sister said that. I know that she wouldn't have meant to hurt you but just wow. And your mum getting angry over you choosing your own hobby? She and my mum would get along great, they sound like the same person!

It sounds like you don't live with your mum though, so have you considered distancing yourself from your her? I know that might sound super scary and impossible, but I stopped talking to my mum and broke contact with her for a few years in my 20s for my mental health and it was the best thing I ever did. During that time was when I saw a psychologist and spoke about my relationship with her and learnt how to say no to her and build some boundaries. Even if you can't stop talking to her, have you spoken about your relationship with your family with a psychologist? It honestly sounds like you need to establish boundaries with them and make them learn to respect you a bit more. Just because she's your parent doesn't mean that she can treat you like mud and it certainly doesn't mean that you owe her anything.

I'll stop rambling now lol

Hugs 🤗,

Lici

[startingnew]

Hi Lici


you can call me SN if you like, saves write the entire name out 🙂


yep you are right, I dont have supports. Im still even trying to sort out my professional supports nearly 2 yrs on! Its crazy, I think if I had of been able to get some good supports to start with I may be further than what I am. Have had some pretty shocking therapists- the last one blamed me for having MI in the first place- I get more than enough of that from people I know let alone her!


Yeah ive spoke to therapist about the family situation. I care and love them (even though the feelings arent mutual) to up and go otherwise I wouldve done that a long time ago. I guess in a way im use to the treatment. Youd think it would stop being so hard after this long wouldnt you!

[Lici]

Hey SN,

Startingnew is actually in my phone's dictionary now I've typed it so much 😂 I use the Swype keyboard on my galaxy as well so I just slide my finger over the letters and it spells it for me! I'll teach it SN now so I don't have to type that either (I'm so lazy 😂)

I know what you mean about therapists, it took me from around 16 until after my PTSD incident at 21 to find a therapist who would take me seriously. I struggle with trusting therapists straight away now because of it. I had one tell me that there was nothing wrong with me because I was talking calmly and not crying. Never mind that I would spend the majority of my time in bed crying at the time and didn't show emotions to other people 🙄

I understand how it feels to feel that your love isn't reciprocated. Could your mum be like mine and show affection in her own way? It took me most of my adult life to realise that I was expecting affection from my mum in the same way I give it and that just wasn't going to happen. My mum wasn't shown affection properly when she was growing up, so she doesn't know how. Instead, she'll give me boxes of food from her charity shop and show love in her own way (even if her words really don't show it sometimes). Maybe if you start looking at things from a different perspective and start looking at ways that she might be showing affection in ways that you might not consider you'll find that she does care. I hope that makes sense?

It never stops being hard, I still hate a lot of things my mum says and does and she still affects me and I'm 39. What does get easier is knowing how to deal with it in a way that doesn't affect your mental health. I constantly remind myself that my mum has issues as well and it's nothing to do with me as a person, that's my way of dealing with her. That and ignoring her for the most part lol I've mastered the art of selective hearing when it comes to her!

You'll get there eventually. You'll find a therapist you mesh well with and you'll work through your issues with your mum that are within yourself and things will get easier. Just remember that quote that I shared in my thread 🤗

Hugs

Lici

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Butterfly Wings (waves to Lici and all),

I feel that would have really, really stung...it must have hurt to hear your sister’s comments about your mum and boyfriend.

I know this doesn’t change anything but maybe it would help to try to gently remind yourself that their attitude towards you says more about them than it does about you. Granted, of course that doesn’t excuse their behaviour or lessen the hurt...but maybe it will give you some small comfort to think that way. Maybe...I’m not sure...

I’m relieved your client finally paid you. It’s terrible that it got to a point where you had to threaten to quit your job before she finally paid....appalling really...

How is the crotchet going? It sounds like a nice creative outlet plus a way to keep your mind preoccupied.

Sending love and letting your weary Wings rest on my left shoulder...

”Dusk till dawn”

Love,

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

HI Lici,


lol I have a few names/words that do that! Wow that was a long time to find the right person! I hope you have someone you trust now?
Yeah I guess so, I try my best to see it from her persepctive but it can be hard esp when things just keep adding up how differently my family treats me compared to others. My mum had very loving parents and siblings. It doesnt matter now, I guess its jus something I need to get over and learn to live with for now.
Thank so much! Hugs and hugs to you too xoxoxo




Hi Peps,


yeah it did sting, its not the first, I doubt itll be the last... I do try to remember that, its hard to argue with the 'voices' in my head saying that im not worth anything and it just ties in well with how worthless I feel. Mayne when I can get my thoughts and emotions more under control ill be able to see things more clearly so to speak


crochet is great! Im really enjoying the challenge, im use to drawing and things but this is a challenge to do with my hands-hand eye co-ordination. Many many stuff ups and ive been able to get it right! Not perfect but it looks alright to me.


I went to the new gp this morning and it was crap. Really felt like a waste of time. She wasnt going to change meds until i spoke to psychiarist but i told her to look through the communication because my pdoc outlined the meds. She added one in, asked if i was aware that i might get increased SI (i answered yes) said if that happens ring the helplines and said come back in 4 weeks once ive ridden out the side effects so no support while the side effects are actually happening. And that was it, shoved out the door.


Thanks for letting me sit on your shoulder, sending love, and lots of hugs your way xoxoxoxo