My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

I'm just going to post my thoughts for a bit.

I cannot reply for a bit.

Copy login paste logout. No reading.

Soz



Episode ?? not sure of number





My day was long

Like I slept along

My brain is here

Just as I fear



I see it all

Inside my head

Like watching a show

In between the screen



Part of me knows

Inside me still glows

I look for that part

Inside the dark



I focus so hard

On that part

It knows the real me

It tells me so



The angel on my shoulder

Tells me where to find

The light inside

I'm grateful for that



My mind is outside

My subconscious mind

Is still here

Thank God for my training



Experience is here

The angels are singing

The monks chant

My head is offline



My body is gone

For sometime

The feeling is hidden

From my mind



So when will I return

To time

The day's are blurred

My eyes are wrong



My finding is fine

behind the mind

Time will be gone

For a long time



Peace is lost

Pleasantries can't find

At least one more time

Up up down down



Again the wave is coming

Tsunami in my mind

The earthquake was major

Did do what I feared.



One day I'll be better

Just not to sure, fear

Just know that im stronger

Than all of my fear.

[Just Sara]

Here for you hun;

Tell me of your wants...a poem of desires

Seek and ye shall definately find

Put them in plain sight only for your eyes

And never, not ever, leave them behind

Smiling for the both of us...

Sara xoxo

[blondguy]

Matt....'no reading'....I hear you

you have my total respect and support

no response required

Paul (Hugs)

[1113]

Mind boggle.........

The darkest of places is one of my points

While the peaceful of places is opposite that



I bounce back and forth in a quick sec

This gives a weird perspective effect



Clean and clear is in between

Like watching a birth of death



This puzzle I find right in the middle

Is of truth and of riddle and righteous effect



The pattern it pants plus feeling in gut

Is almost like a super natural effect



Much practice plus smartness effect

Does bring me right back to the truth effect



Positive prospective effect

In the darkness effect

Manic

Angel..........

I had a visitor today

While I lay in the hay

Her wings of silk

Are silver and grey



I heard her whisper

Into my left ear

It was so beautiful

And so very clear



You must fight of all that

Of dim and not clear

Its calling is not

What you should or must hear



The voice was so pleasant

Like song from a dear

Did hear this while listening

To nothing so clear



This thought she did tell me

So truly I fear

Why are these voices

So helpful and clear



This is not normal

Like nothing before

Has even come

To me ever before



She sat on my shoulder

With glow of so clear

Like watching a shimmer

Of silver and dear



I ask her if pleasely

Could she visit me here

While I was relaxing

So peaceful, so hear!



She grabbed her Dimond cutter

And pulled at my strings

Which captured my feelings

And cut them clean clear



I know not what

Her name is

I fear

I don't think I'll see her in almost a year

--------

Matt

[SourceShield]

Happy New Year McBrozzle!

Wassssssup?

I am well and in Byron Bay.

Life is good.

For real.

Woodford was amazing.

My brother...I sense a disturbance in your energy.

Remember to simply remember the helpful thoughts, and to forget the rest.

I love you my brother.

Kaitoa

[1113]

Stability is gone

I go up

I go down

I go round and round



Emotions to strong

Ability to weak

Can't even handle to think

The wave is unstoppable





So this is how I speek

Just for a while

Its better for think

To not think at all

[SourceShield]

Matt,

When you're ready to chat...I am here for you, but I don't know how to reply to your poetry.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate you and if you ever need to chat...you know you got me brother.

My life is so beautiful right now - I had so many amazing experiences at Woodford.

So hurry up and cheer up ya goose...so we can chat about the amazingness again!.

MuchLove

Kaitoa -

p.s.

I need you to pray for Bundy.

He was attacked by another dog, whilst protecting a smaller dog.

He got stitches in his neck.

He is well but we are still not together as he is in Brisbane still and I am in Byron Bay...will bring him here with me and then we move to Melbourne in Feb!.

Pray for my boy.

I love you brother.

Peace

[1113]

Soz bro,

Found bundy, is all g. Missing you. Get to him soon.

PTSD triggered BIPOLAR rapid cycling atm. This will pass. Will trigger major depression. Maybe 2 3 months.

Just need time.

Can't handle any thoughts atm. Living like monk. Much discipline needed. Have it under control.

Will just post thoughts for a bit.

You will see them get better.

Trembling while typing

Please no judgement.

Just need understanding

[SourceShield]

I completely understand...and I 'hear you'.

I love you my bro.

Take your time...this is not a race.

MuchLove

Kaitoa

[blondguy]

Hey Matt (no response req)

Kaitoa is spot on....take as long as you need my friend

Mega Hugs for Matt

Paul