My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

My Brother Matthew,

Just remember that you're one of the 'good guys', Matt.

I think you'd forgotten that, with ALL that you have going on in your life, you'd forgotten that you're one of the good guys, which is natural, with ALL that you have been through.

"The Beast", wants us to forget.

It wants us to forget...The Truth About Love.

You're one of the best men that I 'know', Matt.

Have a splendid Christmas with the famz!.

MuchLove my bro

---

The man's name that I am in love with is, Taane.

He and I have much in common...he experienced a major depressive episode, when he was 17yrs.

Taane is also a muso, and a professional performing artist..uber-talented!.

He is 3 years younger. <- You know how females are called "cougars", when they date a younger man?.

In "gay-land", I would be known as a "Grey Wolf" - no shizz!. <-LAM.

There's Bears, and Cubs, and Otters...Taane is an Otter!. <-CLAMSLAW (Completely Laughing At My Self Like A Wally!!!)

It's just weird 'cause, I have these different 'patterns' going on in my life, we all do...some are helpful and some are not.

All the unhelpful patterns are linked to OTT...that's how we know if their unhelpful patterns or not, okay bro?

All the helpful patterns will make you 'feel good' - genuinely, sincerely, honestly and truthfully good!.

When we feel good, that's all the helpful patterns working in perfect alignment.

When we do not feel good...that's just a "sign", that we have strayed from alignment.

Thats all.

But all the over the top thinking...wants us to dwell on all the shizz in our lives.

So we must seek out more moments in life that draw us closer to the light of joyfulness, and loving-kindness.

We seek those moments out where ever they are...online community and connection, and in our day to day reality as well.

It doesn't matter wherever you 'feel good', sincerely, truthfully, genuinely and honestly good...go be that and do that more...that is TRUE FREEDOM.

---

You have gifted me with the best Christmas present that I have had in many years...a brothers love!.

For real.

“Perhaps the biggest tragedy of our lives is that freedom is possible, yet we can pass our years trapped in the same old patterns...We may want to love other people without holding back, to feel authentic, to breathe in the beauty around us, to dance and sing. Yet each day we listen to inner voices that keep our life small.”

---Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

[1113]

Brother Warrior,

Have a good christmas day!.

SMJ

PEACE

MATT.

[1113]

Bro,

I hope your 13 day hippie fest is going well. Don't kill to many brain cells. LAY

I got another number story for you, I know you love this shiz!

------------------ yesterday!

I had just dropped my son off at his friends house yesterday, they rang me for a play date. When I was there I was invited to a Australia day bbq at his friends house. Usually, I don't get invited to stuff coz I'm a tad on the bizarre side. Different is an understatement. But I'm cool with me, so I think that portrays outwards and the vibe I'm sending is not confusion. I am happier.

After dropping him off I went to do my shopping (by myself). Thats a huge thing for me. Anyway, I was in coles with a trolley. This is usually a very anxious time, but it wasn't.

I was waiting in line at the check outs, just assessing the surroundings, family's, kids etc. I like to watch others body language, facual expressions, what there wearing, food they are eating (whats in the trolley), level of fitness etc etc. Then I can generalize/visualize what kind of life they lead. Its a hobby of mine. LAM. I dont know why i do this. LOL I really enjoy it.

Anyway, I watched the people in front of me. What I visualized made me smile, i was calm and happy. It was a happy family with two very bright children. I continued to think about this while the lady was processing my shopping.

Then the total of my shopping came to 113.56. I count the 56 cents. Which is 11. You don't add master numbers together. So the number was 11 3 11. What I was thinking and how I was feeling, everything good that had happened to me that day and in the past few months. I was gobsmacked. Its a message that I'm on the right path.

I had paid with paywave, because it was over one hundred i had to put in my pin. But I wasn't home. The lights were on, I wasn't there. The cashier said after a minute "you need to put in your pin".

I just started to laugh. And said "I dont know where I was then", she laughed and the people behind me laughed and everybody said "holidays". LMAO.

I freak myself out with number patterns. On a daily basis.

Angels speek to me all the time.

Hope your mood is happy!

Have my bro!

SMY (so much joy)

Peace

Matt.

[1113]

NYE and NYD 15yrs ago

Near death experience 1

Acceptance as part of my life

I must type this to get the thought out of my head and move on with the day. So my son and I can enjoy this day.

----------------------------------------

I had been out drinking with my mates (NYE). It was a wild night of god knows what. Honestly can't remember.

I woke up in hospital. Ok with no injuries. "Just"

I had got in my car at around 6am in the morning (NYD) and had driven to see my dead brothers at the cemetery. The road had changed, they had cut the old road off, it had turn into a dead end. I drove the way I had remembered when all the bad things happened at the time of my friends death and funerals. Still.......no memory of any of it.

They had cut the old road off by putting in a duel lane both ways with a big island in the middle. It was cut out of the side of a hill and was a big drop down to the new road. It was like an cross road only the road just ended and dropped about 10m down to the new road.

I was extremely drunk, have no memory of this. Still..... have no memory of any of this.

The old road was on the way to the cemetery. I drove right though the dead end, dropped 10m across four lanes of traffic and hit a concrete light pole exactly a few cm's off centre of the vehicle. I had my belt on. If it was a few cms off it would been a direct hit. I probably would of died or had serious life long injuries. The car was totaled.

I had missed every car that was on the new road too. 4 lanes of traffic. Busy as it was a new main road connecting the town to all major city areas.

This experience has left me believing in something was helping me or an entity was watching over me that night. God, angels or good energy. I will not ever know. I just have faith of this.

I have had many near death experiences were I can't explain why or how I have servived. Truly. This is tough for me to ever love myself. I truly will never be able too. But I accept that I can change and have done, for the better.

I have accepted this.

By sharing my story to my thread and the world it can no longer plague my day and life with its unexplainable occurrence or "outer worldly experience".

If anyone is reading this, just know I am fine and strong.

This is for my benefit only, it is released and accepted.

Peace

Matt.

[1113]

Mental note 1/1/2017;

Yesterday's memory 31/12/2016 around 9.30am triggered PTSD, while walking had a major emotional wave which I just walked through. Hot.... but pushed through. Until emotions stopped. Time lenght unknown. Estimate 9 - 10k

Lost track of time - body clock not working. Didn't sleep.

Bipolar effect by 12pm 1/1/2017. Opposite pole.

Sleep tonight unachievable.

6hrs mediation. Guided thunderstorms.

Tomorrow will be very flat and low or manic high. I will eat protein-packed meals, tuna, beans, vegetables without the carbs. bananas, nuts, and eggs if low,

Add high carbs if manic + no coffee. Sugar etc. Stay away from processed foods chems, etc.

Regular relaxation 20mins 3 times a day. Until stable.

Walk 1/2 distances.

Increase water intake. V B12 V D + Omega 3. Cap. Iron magnesium.

Thoughts will be in the negative, music increase and audio books - CBT - Emo intel - Louise Hay - Angel therapy.

--------------

Tigger signs Bipolar;

Swinging mood.

Sarcasm

Dislexia

No feeling of body, time and calander.

No anxiety

Slowness of rational thoughts, opposite pole.

Look for problems that aren't real. Unrealistic thought pattern.

----------

Unfortunately depression will settle in, time unknown, lenght maybe 3 days. Bounce pretty fast atm.

Thought processes still functioning well. Able to justify feelings. No anxiety/agrophobia/psychosis.

might go to the beach. Sand in between my toes and the sound of waves crashing on the shore. Smells of salt and seaweed. Plus the warmth and natural V D for the sun.

Sounds Devine.

Peace.

[Guest_9809]

Dear Matt,

I'm sorry, but there really isnt anything I can say that is going to help you. PTSD I understand, Bipolar I do not.

I just couldnt allow your posts over the past few days go unacknowledged. I want you to know that I care and I feel for you. My healing and calming thoughts are with you as you battle through this latest 'episode'.

Yes, you're right, the beach does sound divine, and I hope you manage to get there today. Utilise all your mindfulness techniques whilst you're there. It sounds like you know what you need to do from past experience. So please allow yourself the time necessary to recover. Keep Amber nearby. Peace to you Matty.

Taurus xx

[Croix]

Dear Matt~

I, like all your friends, am sorry that things suddenly got a lot worse - it looks like it was unexpected and probably triggered by something outside your control

Frankly I'm amazed at how grounded you are -for a guy who has so much to cope with. You have listed a whole host of coping mechanisms and I'm really impressed - I wish I was that organized and had as much self understanding.

I hope you went to the beach and achieved a measure of relief and that your numbers give you a measure of hope

When you are felling yourself more I have a question for you. In a recent post to me you mentioned you were cynical when I asked about your son's reading. This set me back a bit as I, who read very widely, might have had the opportunity to mention an author or two he might like. There was no ulterior motive other than getting to know you better

Then I saw you also mentioned being cynical with Dottie -who as far as I can see is just about all good - through and through.

If you don't want to explain that's ok

Anyway I hope you are having a better day

My best wishes

Croix

[CMF]

Hi Matt,

we haven't formally met but we've bumped into each other on the Xmas threads. I hope you don't mind but I've had a bit of a read through this thread. I'm sorry to hear you hit a low. I found your diary entry on 01/01 fascinating, how you worked through everything and documented and handled it. You are amazing, bringing up your son on your own with challenges you face.

i also wanted to say that I love the connection you have with SourceShield. You are both an inspiration to me, the support you give each other and the obvious bond is just beautiful. I am so happy for both of you to have connected through these forums.

Matt, I don't feel I have much to offer in the way of advice but please know that you have my support and I'm sending you good thoughts and positive vibes to get through this period. I did post something to you on one of the other threads re bad thoughts on special occasions slowly fading away over time but I want to aplogise as I hadn't seen this thread and didn't know your story so I feel I may have sounded as though it is that easy to just let things go but I know it isn't. I didn't know of you're suffering and circumstances, so I apologise.

i do hope you are feeling better soon, im thinking if you.

cmf x

[1113]

Thank you all so very much, your words brought me to tears.

Im at the beach. With fam. Not alone.

Have had second emotional wave much smaller, was able to pull myself up before to much damage was done.

I don't have the mental capacity to deal with stuff atm.

I hit a low. Will pick myself up. Be back soon. I rather low then manic. Manic is dangerous to ones health. Well more then low anyway.

Please know that I am genuinely thankful for your kind words and respect everyone equally.

I truly have been through so much bad that I cannot hold any grudges. I understand how everyone feels and relate to alot of different symptoms.....even schizophrenia. This is my truly worst fear..... I dont............want to be there again. Change of meds does this to me. Im afraid to see my dr. Hence the self assessing.

I truly don't know how I get out of bed everyday.

On that thought I must go, before I damage me to much.

Peace be back I promise

[CMF]

Hi Matt,

i know you are taking meds already but do some research on vitamin b8. More and more is becoming available on research done on B8 in relation to anxiety/depression.

hope you are doing ok and are back on your feet soon

cmf x