My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

Matt,

I disagree with you re: forgiveness is not for others.

That's the beautiful thing about forgiveness, is that it's holistic.

We give and receive forgiveness.

Its a positive feedback-loop.

Like compassion and loving-kindness.

Look up Jack Cornfield, he has a marvelous forgiveness meditation and teaching about the truth about forgiveness really is, he is a master teacher, and one of Tara Brachs teachers.

I have to get ready for work.

Have fun

Kaitoa

[SourceShield]

...and no ones telling you that your family shouldn't come first!!! <- LAY HARD CORE

GOOSE!

Thats what SHOULD come first!.

So stop apologising for it and just do it.

You tell me you see the whole picture but then you also say that your brain just sees a pattern that you see is wrong...can you not see that's why you get twisted sometimes???.

Be truly free...let it be more than just words.

Enjoy your life, for real.

This is what matters.

MuchLove

Kaitoa

I thought you had no boundaries <-LAY AGAIN.

[1113]

Bro,

Im going off line for Christmas. Back later!

Its holiday time! Looking after my boy. LJ (little jesus)

I appreciate all you have done for me!

look after yourself, your the best bro I've ever had. I will be back to check on ya.

Family is important to me and you will always be a brother to me.

You haven't told me when your wedding is? Or Anything about him? Leave me the details. No rush you have a few weeks to do this. I'm happy you found something real! Truly happy for you.

I'm going to find a new wife, a mother for my boy, soon. You have inspired me. I never thought this could ever be true.

Keep doing all your good work bro. The world needs your talent. You have helped me beyond belief. Keep on moving only fly.

You have inspired life back into me. I have found oneness. Practice my faith again. I will also help the needy when my time is free.

You have helped me see the light. For this I am always going to see you as family too. You should be so proud of yourself. You have helped one back to living! Im free of the evil beast. Thank you.

I just want you to know that I see you. I will be back to check on my bro.

You should read Matthew in the bible. If you like.

It relates to a lot of life in general. If you read between the lines, not the religious bits. It starts with the story of Christmas.

Anyway, Have a great christmas, Bro from another mo.

Give Bundy a big hug from me too. Plus a treat.

I never worked out your code, Im lazy af.

I am going to do what you said and enjoy my life.

Btw

I wrote

My brain sometimes paints a pattern that I see......... "wrong". meaning: i sometimes see things that aren't right, but; i turn the other cheek. Forgiveness!

"an eye for an eye" is given by Jesus: 38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.

I like this one too;

2So when you give to the needy, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be praised by men. Truly I tell you, they already have their reward.3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Read it!

This stuff is still relevant today.

Take care bro

Catch ya soon

Love ya

Peace

Matt 6 11:13

[SourceShield]

My Brother,

If I had a son, like you do. If I was a dad, like you are. I would spend every moment that I could, with my son.

So I totally get that you are a Father.

That is your main duty and priority.

To be honest bro, if I were a dad...I wouldn't have time to be online, except when I'm researching things for us to do!

I would homeschool my son...teach him all the basics that they learn at school, and so much more.

Traveling the world is a great time for kids to learn about life...I would travel the world with my son.

And, someday, I just might.

So, if I were you...I'd be spending my time with my son too, like you are with the boy!.

That's good.

When we say 'help others', that includes your son...you are teaching him how to be a great person, by your example.

But, you still have a resistance to this whole "time being your issue" thing.'

"Time" is everyone's issue man!. <-LAY

On one side we have CLOCK time - the time that we spend doing things, and being with people etc.

i.e.

The TIME you spend with your son.

That's CLOCK time.

You're saying that you want more hours in the day to do things etc etc etc...

That's life man.

That's how it is for all of us!

You're not alone, but the wise, like Jesus knew what REAL TIME was really about.

He knew that real time is about HERE and NOW.

That just means, in the here and now...you must be the best dad that you can possibly be.

Just keep doing that, and your life will keep on unfolding perfectly.

Stay here in the now, and do your best, make the most of every opportunity that comes your way.

Read this quote from Jesus ---

"Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day."

---Jesus Christ

Jesus is teaching us that all we need do, is stay in the here and now. Be completely here in this moment, and all moments after will unfold perfectly without anxiety.

God has it all sorted.

Thats REAL TIME.

Clock time just comes down to TIME MANAGEMENT.

That's what doing the HWJT will help you to do...the HWJT is meant to be different each day, because each day is different, you did know that right?

It's a diary and a journal.

HWJT is awesome for time management.

Sounds like "time" stresses you out!.

I have a daily plan that I write up, and that's how I manage my time perfectly.

I always have enough time to do all that I need and want to do.

You can have this too, it's your choice.

Love&Trust.

Kaitoa

[SourceShield]

Bro - I read the bible twice when I was 16yrs. I went to a really great Methodist church. Im open to all teachings...that lead us back to LOVE, HOLINESS, PRESENCE, and WELLBEING!.

All teachings that teach the way are right for me.

[1113]

Brosif,

I'm like you bro.

Im just taking some time off this forum. Ill be back. Promise.

Sometimes my head rings.......literally rings. The more I think, read and get involve or see others problems on this forum.......I rings. I can only take so many patterns before i can't sleep. Ring ring.....my head talks to me like a phone. LAM. MJ I ringing right now. But im putting in a 2week boundary. POM proud of me.

I am going to find happiness at christmas time with family.

Have fun man, at wood stock Lol. Be a hippie. Dance in bear feet. I just visualized that.....Lay. hippy peace.

When I come back........i will be filled with joy and ready to reach out to others.

I need break bro!

Things are better after time off.

Peace out bro,

Catch ya soon.

Bros for ever.

Matt.

[Guest_9809]

Good for you Matt. You devote so much time and understanding to others here every day, you do need to take some time out for yourself. Totally understand. I take this opportunity for always being such a kind and understanding member of the forums, you have always been there for me. And I thank you for that.

Have a lovely Christmas, you and your boy and Amber as well. Keep safe and well. Look forward to seeing you back again when you're ready - refreshed and invigorated.

Take care.

Taurus xx

[1113]

Taurus,

Thank you.

You have come so far.

I am truly filled with joy for you.

You took some massive leaps forward.

That take took strenght and courage!

You have your gift for christmas already.

Im so happy for you.

See you in a few weeks.

Peace

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Bro,

I wouldn't even come back, if I were you man! <-LAY!.

Why bother?

Seriously...go live your life.

Be free...To be truthful Matt, If I don't come back...just know that I do love you as a brother, always.

Connecting on BB has helped me to gain confidence again and to learn how to trust myself.

Do you know why I call you MJ?

It's not the religious stuff that you go on about, I don't mind that at all...it's the fact that sometimes afterwards you really get stressed when you post things.

That's how we know that it's not from inspiration...inspiration doesn't make us feel anxiety.

God would never do that to us...its not Gods way that we feel anxiety.

Thats our human thinking.

Thats the OTT.

Let the attachment to ALL OTT go.

That's how we feel truly confident.

Inspiration will always make us feel confident in our own skills.

Trust yourself, Matt.

That's what I've learned to do again...I know that I can trust my sincerity again.

I can trust myself again.

Live your life with your son and be happy.

Have a great xmas!.

If you ever do work that code out, maybe you'll work this one out too - CLUE - QWERTY...look for patterns!

XRTP GPIT YEP GPIT YEP XRTP DRBRM ROHJY MOMR ROHJY - ZU MIZNRT

...but if ever you need me just call me...

Peace Out MadJesus.

I shall have so much fun with all the beautiful people at WoodStock...for I am The CrazyBuddha!.

Take good care of you Matt.

MuchLove

Kaitoa

[1113]

Crazybuddha,

MadJesus will be back bro. Now im really signing off.

Peace ya all.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year! See you in 2017.

7 is the number of completion.

Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.