My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Discipline of waking



Caught in between wake and sleep

What day is it today? I must remember

What is my plan today? I must not think

Wow this is hard, sleep paralysis.



I must get up, I must wake up

My mind is stuck in dream mode

But I'm awake, or am I?

I shut my eyes then I'm dreaming



Pictures float in front of my eyes

Then there gone when I open them

My eyes are heavy but I cannot shut them

I must get up and start the walking



Whats the point? Its so darn difficult

Let me think, oh yeah thats right!

I must not think.

This is hard and so confusing



Breath in and hold until it hurts

Breath out so slow that it hurts

Do this until the pain subsides

Then bring the breath back to normal



My ear phones are near

Time for chanting

Buddhist traditional morning chat

Its so rhythmic and all consuming



When did I have this thought?

Or did I even? I can't remember

What day is it? Whats my plan?

Caught in between wake and sleep



Just get up! Change of scenery

Go pat the dog, she loves you dearly

Go make your toast and your coffee

This will pass..........what day is it?



When I wake I will have to much energy

I will be wired, to much adrenaline

This will change again to none at all

My mood will cycle, I am assessing



What day is it, just get up

Stop the thinking

Listen instead

Just get up! What day is it?

I got up in the end. Btw. It is sunday.

[Croix]

Dear Matt~

Your tone in that last post leads me to think you are climbing back up - I do hope so

My affectionate regards

Croix

[1113]

Debate



Internal debate



With myself



Continues



Will for



Quite



Some time







From past



Experiences



There's only



One winner







My focus



Is this



For



Now

[1113]

Adjusting



Walking through the darkness

Gets you to the light

Just keep moving

When all feels lost

Keep your thoughts at bay

They're not at all real

Plug yourself into music

Open up your scene

Look at basic beauty

Do what you can

Just do not stop moving

When thats what all you can

The memories are just that

Deal with them when you can

Plug yourself into movies

Humour if you can

Try your hardest not to laugh

Reverse psychology if you can

Wait out the feeling of worthlessness

Its just the devil in your hand

Ask the angels for some help

It doesn't hurt to try

Find a routine and build on it if you can

Breath away the beast

Inhale kindness

Talk to yourself as much as you can

Look for positive in badness

Its there hidden from your hand

Open up your chakras

Listen to the monks

Here the angels singing

Relax your muscles individually if you can

Don't worry about eating

Just eat raw when you can

Forget the worries of the world

Find your inner peace

Stay with that as much as you can

Program your brain beforehand, if you can

When the problem hits you

Your instincts are at hand



My head is slowing cycles

Feel in charge of non-fiction

Just keep the chin up and

Move as much as you can.

[1113]

Existence



Today I wake and pounder life

Words are all I can to express

Vague thoughts are sparsely scattered

I'll grab what I can to balance my feelings



Whats the meaning of life?

Why are we all here?

Why am I here typing?

Is it to get revenge?

Is it to love and learn?

Who is right and who is wrong?

Am I still worthy of life?

Who gave life to me?

Where can I place my blame?

Was I the one at fault?

Is the meaning of life torture?

Is my vision so narrow?

Why is the news so depressing?

Why are the wars hurting people?

Is money so important?

Why is the earth getting hotter?

When will the ice shelf crack in two?

How high will the ocean rise?

When will an earthquake finishes us off?

Is that a massive asteroid?

How big will the tsunami be?

How much money will help us then?



I here the birds singing

They sound so happy in nature

The cows are all eating

Bugs are crazy in the wind

Ants are moving and cleaning

Trees are helping our breathing

Bees are buzzing moving pollen

Nature works together helping

The ecosystem balancing

What do we do for that?

Take, consume and polluting, not giving!

Are we doing our bit?

To have a balanced ecosystem?



Who created a human?



Wow its time for coffee, this is depressing.

[Kazzl]

Good morning lovely Matt

I have to apologise to you, I missed something along the way and didn't realise until your recent posts that you are a fellow traveller with bipolar. May I give you a big bipolar bear hug?

I am sorry you've been going through the horrors of rapid cycling, gaaahh! I know it well. Probably understandable after your new years experiences - I'm so glad you came through that in one piece!

Your poetry is amazing. I read it and I get the feelings and thoughts. They are familiar to me, but they stay in my head. I'm in awe of your ability to put them in words.

I hope the cycle settles soon mate. Do all the self-care and good thinking that you can. As I often say to myself when things are bad - lift your head and look up.

Love to you my friend.

Kaz

[1113]

Thankyou

I will join back in soon.

This one is for you. Peace.

PTSD triggers

BIPOLAR then

major depression

settles in

I have been diagnosed

With all of them



My brain is tired

Mood is stalling

Frustration is majority

Depression setting in



One mood is better

Even if so low

This is an old friend

Or is it a foe?



Once I pick my self up

What will I do?

Im enrolling in

Diploma of counselling

24 month

On line study from home

Work placement



Just hope my memory

Is able to cope

Depression is the

Worst for that

Focus is not great

Once I was diagnosed ADHD



My body doesn't like meds

They send me round the bend

Psychosis is the symptom

Once I find one that works

Its the end, they only help

For 1 part

There not the living end



This is a pattern

I've been here

Lots before

It tares me limb from limb



But I get up once more

Time is my best friend

[blondguy]

Hey Matt

just sticking my beak in with some TLC

we are with you Matt

be gentle to yourself.

Paul

[1113]

Appreciated Paul✌

No more poetry. I'm out of that head space. It was getting dark.

Anyone have a funny joke?

Here is mine:

After many years of studying at a university, I’ve finally become a PhD… or Pizza Hut Deliveryman as people call it.

ha, I'm sure someone can beat that.......

Matt

[Croix]

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

-C