My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

p.p.s

You never have to apologise to me.

We are brothers.

We can always just talk it out, if it gets intense.

The event last night was so disorganised.

I was just there to do my job but it really did my super-organised brain in something chronic.

Havent slept at all.

Havent eaten much at all.

I really need to eat!!!

I get the shakes.

I dont think people get how serious this can be...like its just something silly that I do to myself on purpose...its called a disorder, on purpose.

Breakie sounds so good...may just get Maccas...the devils breakfast!

Will post my HWJT soon, okay?

[SourceShield]

HWJT - 17/11/16

Did you know that today is a 1 day =

1 + 7 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 0 + 1 + 6 = 19 = 1+ 9 = 10 = 1+ 0 = 1.

I always do that with numbers!

I wanted to reply to your number post yesterday but I had to go to work!

And, not just that BUT - You know how you turned 'health and wellbeing journal thingey' into HWJT.

I do that with words too...I love acronyms, and the like...really good brain exercise!

And you just did that straight away...so its natural for you to process info like that as well.

Do you have any other kooky number stories?

- HWJT -

I have written a strongly worded letter to the people that I was working for last night, and I have said that I will not be working for them...ever again, and why!

So, I now have the day off!

So...

I'm actually gonna chill today.

Watch some of my fave shows.

EAT...MUST EAT!!!.

I actually have some yummy Chicken Goulash and My Grandma's Potato salad, that I made the other day.

Will finish that.

I will also post that recipe in your FoodieThread.

I love potato Salad!

Drink plenty of water...dehydrated lately.

Lack of sleep, turns everything in on itself.

Hydrating will kick start the internal functions and help me to cleanse and flush the system.

Hug Bundy at least a million times muliplied by a trillion plus 87 multiplied again by infinity times!

Walk Bundy when it gets cooler...although its overcast today...I still like to go for an evening stroll.

I really do feel that I need some Spiritfulness time, so I will 'pray' soon, and meditate.

Need to balance out again.

Listen to some good music...always enlivens my soul.

As youve observed I am far from perfect, and I have never claimed to be, so Im gonna do a big chunk of 'journal writing'

And, I often forget to mention this...because its second nature now...but I always have my studies and research to do...and that keeps me busy.

Hey...and I wanted to say as well...just 'cause I am my own 'saviour' that dont mean that I dont value your opinion.

Like I said, we need diversity, and now that we're bros...your opinion matters to me!

Also, If I can support you to being more confident, just let me know what you need from me...and I will do it!

I think I have a mild form of agoraphobia.

But, I really would like to know how that really is for you...if youre ever in a thoughtful mood, to discuss that!

Im curious is all...

Okay bro, Im off to get Maccas for breakie.

Goulash for dinner!

MuchLove

BlessU.

[1113]

Day 1,

Bro,

Howdee cowboys, start your letter like that!!!

I always end up in charge of kitchen management! Every single place I worked at. But was unable to sustain that position due to my absolute hatred of politics. Unless I work for myself..then its blissful and heaven........until I get sick that is. My brain works the best under extreme pressure and my favourite job was sous chef at a 4.5 star hotel, until I became acting head chef when they walk the old one off the premises just before the christmas rush. HR = testicles dangling from nose. D heads. Anyway it was a well oiled machine, great team and for the crew I stayed until after the rush finished. I do not do politics at all. Mechanics puzzles yes please. I love the pass in a busy restaurant when I'm in control.....never broke down. But I would dream dockets all night long. Couldn't stop my brain from processing ever. I could plan next day in my sleep....but never really slept properly.

So I get your frustration! And understand part of what makes my brain just shut down all of a sudden.

I have an app on my phone to remind me to drink water.

On another note,

My run two days ago coursed an imbalance in the chemistry in my noggin. Had a high from the run then low and my brain does a form of escapism.

Agoraphobia is when I'm not comfortable in my own skin.

I suppose its a form of self survival, afraid of knowing the pain of panic attacks.

Psychosis is when it goes past Agoraphobia. And my entire cognitive ability is in nowhere land.

I can go from very high brain function to it not functioning at all.

Sciency that if you so wish. I enjoy that. Im learning from you rapidly.

Everything is awesome when your part of a team!!!!!! Cool song and movie! The boy loves it.

I just want to get back to him for a bit. He loves lego. But has to use it with the instructions. He cannot grasp the concept of just building something from is imagination. But he has a imagination game which btw blows my mind....I mean its partly written has multiple levels, characters and involves everything being in the right place......I mean, if I move a piece of furniture a couple of center meters he has a mental break down. Love him dearly.

277 characters left..........................................................200

Sorry for apologizing. haha just messing with ya

I go up and down but you'll get that after while. I'm a man of my word and brothers it is.

You should count how many characters are left..

Peace

[1113]

Ps then the page number. Thats my number story for today.

Sleep sleep your eye lids are feeling heavy, you have a tingling sensation all over your body...........now your in the lucid dreaming state.

Six

[1113]

Oh sh#t check out how many posts ive done

[SourceShield]

Ohhh man, first you tell me to count the characters and then you tell me sleep....ya screwing up my enzymes man!

Jokes.

But I am so tempted to count the characters...but, I can resist.

I can say - NO.

Oi, you...NO!

Your sons game, sounds perfect to me.

Enjoy the lego, and father&son time, bro!

Talk soon.

[SourceShield]

Thats 131 post - for you 1113 =

1+ 3 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 3 = 11 = 1 + 1 = 2.

[1113]

Bro,

You ok?

Work stuff sorted out?

Need to express....

Six

[SourceShield]

Yep - just tired.

Work stuff?

Yep sorted - I aint going back, and I have the day off...as mentioned!

Express away...

[Doolhof]

Hi Guys,

You have some cute looking dogs!

Hope you are both having a good day!

Cheers from Dools