My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

Hi there!

I hope all is good with you too Dools!

MuchLove

[1113]

Hi Mrs drools,

My day has been pretty good. Still moving so thats a good thing. I'm going to post a pet story in the pet thread soon.

Its nice when you pop in

Have a good evening

Six

[1113]

Hello brother,

Can you give me more information about the unorganized mess last night?

If you don't want to go there.....thats all good to.

We could share stories of places we have work at that lasted only a day. I've had a few of those.

Sending you happiness

Six

[SourceShield]

Hey bro!

Isnt really that much to report - they were just really disorganised.

Yelling at staff - I just dont get into that!

I know Chefs have a bad reputation for that but I was trained by a TRUE master chef -

His name was Rudy - trained in Austria - had been a TOP chef for 50 years!!!

He showed me that you can get the job done in a kitchen without all the yelling and disrespect.

And, in fact have a lot of fun in the kitchen...makes the night pass quicker...so thats how I operate.

Less stress!!!

He was a genius.

He has since passed - lung cancer!

May he rest forever in peace...in the great kitchen in the sky!

On the upside though - I got a call from their big-big chief that read my letter, and he said that he was also appalled and that he was sorry, and that they would hate to lose me...and said that theyll deal with the issues that I raised...and hope that I will be be back to work for them!

I thanked him, and said that I would think about it.

See...sometimes its really good to be the squeaky wheel...its the squeaky wheel that gets fixed!

Its good to be upfront and say how it is for you - for two reasons, right?

When you share from sincerity...it boosts your confidence - Your saying this is how it is for me. No one else may feel this. But my feelings are valid.

And, because...they may not know about the issues, and when you express in an intelligent way, to get your point across...sometimes, they actually thank you, for your honesty!

Not always...but it happens...like today!

Hows your evening going bro?

PeaceOut

[1113]

Overwhelmed with joy,

Thats fantastic news and I see your spirit has lifted.

I worked in kitchen in WA. Disorganized like I had never seen before in a restaurant. The head chef was part owner and a hot head. Flipped out at everything. I understood why, as soon as I started. No formal training. Long story short short...we had a disagreement about a massive food safety issue. He punched me in the chest. I calmly got my tool box, said goodbye to everybody.....this was the first day......grabbed my key on the way out and scratched his wrx. Not proud of that, but I was so angry. I dont explode, I implode.

They called me the next day said they would pay me if I went in?????? I said what the hell....ok. I'm not afraid of a fight, trained full contact kick boxing and zen do kai. But believe that It should only be used in self defense. Anyway rambling...... I went in and the chef apologized to me..what the hell. The other owners begged me to stay and offered me his position. How they missed it on resume in the first place amazed me. They had my pay in there hands. I took the pay and said no thankyou. I just knew that it would never work. I cannot cut corners with food hygiene when I have peoples lives in my hand.

Most people don't get it about chefs. Some chefs are as dangerous as a dodgy Dr or surgeon who just doesn't give a toss. Trying to extend the life of an oyster to make a buck will put you on jail for willing serving unsafe food causing death.

Morals

People trust me with there lives. Children and aged people are at most risk.

And your right, squeaky wheel does get fixed if someone cares.

And someone obviously cares in your case.

But you know to way up the pros and cons and everything like that. At the end of the day it comesdown to morals.

I have never rambled on so much. Its like my brain has a spark again.

Depression sucks big time, I am passionate about cooking. When I'm sick I loss all passion for life.

I learned at the ANU university house in canberrra. I was lucky enough to do my apprenticeship in fully operational old school french hotel kitchen. Larder, pastry, fine dining, functions for special uni peeps from all over the world. It was a hard time for me. I was young and chefs are mean. But I got through it.

Don't have any admiration for any chef, like you, for that I am envious.

So all in all a good evening, thanks.

I did a pet post.

Another big step.

Growing more self confidence

I am paranoid about this stuff

Peace

six

[SourceShield]

Hey bro!,

My spirit hasnt REALLY lifted...tired but I didnt want to sleep during the day, so I am waiting till a bit later...to get back into a proper sleeping zone.

Im in a zombie zone atm!

When you wrote...

"I did a pet post.

Another big step.

Growing more self confidence

I am paranoid about this stuff"

--- that actually made me cry man!

I dont want you think that I am patronising you at all when I write this but...

...I am so proud of you man!

Youre a champion bro!

Doing so good.

I already saw your petPost - pressed the 'mark this as helpful' button already.

Im glad that I aint the only chef in the world that gets it.

Food is vital, obviously, and we have to comply with H&S protocol, because...

We could get in big trouble!

We could actually kill someone...and then end up being the head cook...in prison!

But, I do also feel that some chefs i.e the munthead that punched you...man that makes me angry. Okay, so not so mature but I am glad you keyed his car, the a-hole.

Theyre lucky you didnt take that further

Anyway, chefs like that - even though he was a cowboy - they give the rest of us a bad name too!

And, chefs like that..theyre the ones that need to be humbled...'cause ultimately, we are just cooking dinner as well, you know what I mean?

Like, simmer down...we are just chefs - we cook for a living but we aint the most important people in the world...we cook peoples meals.

Important but c'mon.

Its a job, its not worth the stress 

Glad you turned them down.

I did Tae Kwon Do as a kid but really wanna start up Kung Fu...love Bruce Lee!

Zen Do Kai...thats cool man!

Yeh, Rudy was a great chef...a womanizer and a bit of a chauvinist but and amazing chef.

The other chef, at that restaurant, was also amazing - Michelle.

She was a very voluptuous Italian woman...it was Michelle that actually taught me all the proper knife skills and other stuff like that, and Rudy the master taught me the creative side of cooking.

They complimented each other really well.

Whenever I feel stuck in the kitchen, and I dont know what I am doing...I just ask myself - "What would Rudy do"...then it all comes back!

Im glad youre rambling...YAY...another rambler in the making.

I like peoples stories..so ramble and rant away!

Seriously.

And, I get the paranoia thing but just keep on chipping away at it, like youre doing bro...

...I sincerely believe in you man!

I'm heading off to watch me fave shows now...

MuchLove Brother!.

[1113]

Hwjt

Today I am going to surf thethe emotional waves. Hopefully I can get in a sweet tube.....maybe I get dumped into a reef.

But when you fall off a horse you should always get straight back on.

My horse only has 3 legs today. So I maybe getting getting o on it a lot.

End..

The birds are awake,

the sun is shining

time to get busy and make some hay!

When the sun goes down,

I will return with a story,

of my day!

Have a great day!!!!!!

[Doolhof]

Hi Six and Sourceshield,

I've just been reading your posts. Good on you guys for sticking up to your morals and self worth in dodgy work places.

You must have heaps of interesting stories to tell from days working in kitchens. What is the most unusual or most in peculiar meal you have ever cooked?

Years ago I worked in delis and continental groceries. One boss was a European. He told me to sell the stale cakes to the Aussie workers and save the fresh for his fellow countrymen.

The Aussies would get me to serve them so they always had the fresh food!

Another place sold hot chickens. They wanted me to cook the "Green" ones, man, did those chooks stink! I tried to throw them out, but the boss ended up cooking them. How they didn't kill someone with food poisoning is beyond me.

In a café I worked in, one customer said they wanted their tea stronger, so the boss dug the tea bag out of the bin! Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

He used to smoke a pipe behind the counter as well. He emptied it into the rubbish bin one day and set the bin on fire! Ha. Ha. That was a little bit of excitement!

Hope you both have a good day.

I'm off to battle with Centrelink as they have decided not to accept my Drs. Medical Certificate.

Cheers guys from Mrs. Dools

[SourceShield]

Morning!

Bro - I did actually reply to your above post last night re: feeling paranoid etc - I think it just took a while to be uploaded. Which is frustrating. But, its there now - didnt want you to think that I ignored you!

Dools - Oh man...cooking the 'green' chickens WOW - that boss deserves to have his eyes scratched out by a lynch-mob of angry wild chickens. Thats disgusting.

I totally get that you were just doing your job, I too have been asked to do some stupid things by some ridiculous kitchen cowboys but thats just no good...AND the tea-bag bin-digging incident as well. You have worked for some lousy bosses!

I really do hope that Centrelink sort themselves out...that just seems wrong that they wont accept a Drs cert.

I know how distressing that could be...I have had issues with anger management, so I would probably be flipping out at someone by now. I like using really choice words in those moments...kinda pointless, but a great stress relief.

Thankfully, I have now learned how to use my words in a more intelligent way!

Stay in touch, Okay Mrs Dools?

And let us know how that goes.

Overall...

I think I have had to prepare fairly 'normal' fare and cuisine professionally.

But, being Maori, like many indigenous people we can have some pretty strange tastes...

One is called TeroTero --- its just cow intestines...stuffed with stuff!!! - Which makes it sound okay, like sausage etc...

But...sometimes people are just lazy and dont clean it properly and there can still be huge lumps of GRASS inside when cooked...and thats really gross cooked, for some reason...I think it may have something to do with the gut acid reacting with the grass...even the thought makes me wanna thunder-chunder!!!

My Granddad was full Maori and he had some really 'weird' tastes...weird to me as kid.

He would eat rotting corn and preserved bits and pieces of some poor beast, made the house stink so bad!

My Grandmum was french, and she loved preserved lambs tongue and crazy stuff like that...the French have some odd tastes as well.

Whats the weirdest things you've both eaten?

As mentioned in Six's foodie thread...I've eaten deep fried cockroach in Cambodia...and other deep fried bits of pieces too...

I would never eat dog - which is served in Korea.

And, Dolphin...I would never eat dolphin.

We are lucky that we as humans are 'on-top' of the food chain because we have made quite a few enemies in the animal world!

I will do up my HWJT soon..

MuchLove&MungBeans

[SourceShield]

HWJT - 18/11/16

(Since yesterday was a 1 day, today is of course...a 2day - its a 'numbers' game that 6 and I are 'playing'...for those that maybe wondering what weirdness am I writing about -

1 + 8 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 0 + 1 + 6 = 20 = 2 + 0 = 2)

2DAY!!!

HWJT - Which stands for 'HEALTH&WELLBEING JOURNAL THINGEY'...again, this is something that 6 and I have started up on this thread, its a way for he and I to stay accountable to each other on our journey to Health&Wellbeing...Mrs Dools, and others...you're more than welcome to join us!

At the moment I am feeling a tad distressed.

I have to get up really early tomoz morning to get to a very big work gig.

I had actually asked if I could start later in the day and the organiser said YES but mustve forgotten, and I cant be bothered getting back to him now, so I will just do it.

Its distressing because my autistic brain doesnt cope well with having to organise unfamiliar journeys...it really stresses me, to be totally honest, and I also just dont like super-early starts anymore.

Ive gotten a bit too used to working for myself as a PersonalChef - I set my own rate and starting times etc...

So, I have to work out the best train and bus journey to get to the gig.

Its a Polo thingey...for the schmealthy-wealthy of BrizVegas...which is all good but when you're peeling prawns and onions and the like all day etc etc etc...you dont give a rats who its for...you just get on with ya job!

I have to get up super-early...for me, like 4am...thats SUPER early for me.

I am okay with like am and 7am but much earlier than that...I am a walking zombie.

Thankfully, I did get some good sleep last night.

So, I am feeling better about that today.

I have to teach my IELTS student tonight at 5pm but to be honest I am gonna have a cruisy day.

I am not gonna over-work or over-do it today, since tomoz is also a big 11hr gig - good money but early start and long days...can do my head-in.

I think a lot of things do my head-in, to be truthful!.

Still learning to not sweat all the small stuff...baby steps and all that!

Spend huggie time with Bundy!

Eat well...always really important for me...and us all really!

I am gonna do my dance and weights routine later.

I did a smile meditation this morning and I really did feel the good-vibes flowing, and even tho the gig times do distress me a bit...I know I'll get it all sorted...I am good like that!.

Watch some of me fave shows.

Laugh.

Love.

Learn.

LoveMore.

MuchLove