My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Ok ok now your blowing my mind. Numbers!!!!!!!

Here is a confession, I see numbers all the time. Repeating numbers over an over for as long as I can remember. 1113 has been the most recent repeating number sequence..about 2 years now. Hence the avatar. The biggest shift i had was on 13/11/16. The post i did on the 14th about "some thing amazing happening to me yesterday"............anyway i have a supernatural entity guiding me. Could be a fallen brother. Gooooooooooooose buuuuuummmmppppps. I've excepted it in my life. Its guidance is spot on. When you see numbers that make you feeling thingy like it means your on the right path. I don't believe in numerology or anyone that tries to explain the supernatural. We will all get there when its our time. Its not our job to understand it. Except.

Ok thats a bit left feild.

Chefs are the worst eaters, I love food but when I've cooked all day.........its yuck! I forget to eat when I'm in the zone, and in the zone ( total involved in the moment) can be 14hrs long. Cooking is the only thing that i do that gets me in the zone. Mental pressure, physical pressure working in perfect harmony, to create a master piece puzzle. You get it.

HWJT - entry 16/11/16.

Just be

Forgive myself

Rest day after yesterday's run.

Mediate, relax- today is chakra alignment.

Look after my sons mental and physical health.

Emotional intelligence study. Which i will pass on to my son after i get my head around it.

End HWJT.

BRO,

I'm not working atm. Contract caterer with no contract. Dropped one when i got to ill. I have been contracting to the care industry. I specialize in special dietary requirements and meeting the Australian dietary guidelines. Not like you but the basic ones. Anything up to salicylate intolerance. I'm not ready yet but your invitation is interesting. Childcare agedcare etc etc.

Just feeling the brother power

Six

[Ellu]

Dear 1113

I am so sorry that you are in such a bad way at the moment. I want to talk to you about your son and your relationship with him. I have 4 children, 2 of whom are highly gifted (could read and write fluently by the age of 3). All my children knew very early about my mental illness (bi-polar disorder) and learned to cope with Mum being in hospital or unable to meet their needs at times. They accepted this as a matter of course. I never hid my illness, and their friends knew as did all of my friends.I used to worry about the effect my illness was having on the children, but far from disadvantaging them it turned them into caring, compassionate people who took the situation for granted. You can't be a perfect parent - no-one can - but as long as your son knows you love him and care for him, even though you are not always available to him, he will grow into a fine young man.

It sounds as if the school is taking good care of him. When you feel well you can encourage him by talking him to places such as the aquarium or planetarium to stimulate his clever mind. My point is that despite my mental illness all my children (now in their 20's) went on to careers and to establish their own lives. Nowdays they come and comfort ME when I am unwell!

[1113]

Hello Ellu,

thank you

It's nice to meet you. 4 kids WOW and bipolar!!! Your a wonder woman. My boy knows about it now and I did hide it from him for years. Actually I lied to myself for a long time. He is 9 and a perfect human being, as are your kids. Depression for me hits hard and i lose self confidence very easily. Which is extremely hard to get back. I feel shame but have to except it.

We are so blessed with the school, primary acceleration program and he is with 12 like minded kids with different age ranges. The teacher is also gnt. He loves it.

Thank you for sharing your time and story with me

Please call me six, nicknames are the rage at the moment.

Bipolar must be hard, please share more about that if you feel like it. I get down, anxiety but rarely happy for no reason. I would like to know how it makes you feel for it to switch around all the time. This my understanding of it. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Happiness to you and your kids

Six

[1113]

Hi brother,

I keep reading your stories. Over and over. Trying to find a way to help you. It's interesting how you open up then justify then forgive all in one post. Also you use the term gay as a specific label or a thing to blame. People are just people, we are all the same make up. It has obviously caused a lot of the issues and pain in your life. Do you blame yourself for being different?

Me...i get it. I don't judge people for there choices or beliefs or colour or gender. I see things on facebook that make me sick, for instance: the law about muslim woman and burkas in different countries and the campaign in Australia WTF..its a cover on there face....a belief they have... a choice they make....i can wear a f ing baseball cap if i so please.....wtf....they can't take facial recognition pictures from a satellite.......anyway..What makes you special is your ability to see every angle in multiple dimensions in the blink of an eye. But maybe you just need to see yourself in one light. That must be hard in this society with your intellect and emotional baggage from your childhood. But here your accepted by me as a human, plain and simple. Not perfect just human. My brother from another mother.

Tell me if i over stepped the boundaries.

Just trying to be a brother to a exceptionally brillant mind

Much love

Hope your day at work was choice.

Six&SourceShow

[SourceShield]

No - and only other gay men may understand this but referring to it, is an acceptance of it as being part of who I am.

Because so much of our lives many of us have had to hide that part and so now, I use it openly.

I love being gay.

I would not want to be hetero...at all!

So, I use it because I have fully intergrated into who I am.

You have never had to to 'come out' - so its natural that hetero guys actually really dont get it.

And thats okay.

Honestly bro...I personally dont need you to try and solve my issues, I am far too intelligent for that...in that...we are responsible for our own health and happiness.

And thats it.

We can get support and assistance from others...but ultimately, I am the only one that can save me.

So I reach out but I know deep down...I am my own saviour.

Thanks for caring but on this one...NO - I dont blame myself for being different.

Not anymore - NOW, I must be a leader...and show other gay men that have experienced a tough life, that we can be okay with our lives...but that takes TIME it cannot be rushed.

So I share my stories...to encourage others to do the same.

If my sharing reaches one person...thats enough for me!

And me sharing that part of who I am, is just that...a part of who I am.

I am also a Maori New Zealander.

I am a brother.

I am a warrior.

I am my own man.

MuchLove

[SourceShield]

p.s

Just you being a brother, and seeing me as your brother...is actually all the help that I need from you.

And youre doing that perfectly.

Okay?

I appreciate you taking the time and asking me what you have...really.

ManyThanks

[1113]

Hello brother,

Awesome, really awesome. So much self confidence, i lack that in a massive way. You do see yourself in one light. I dont see myself in one light. I'm proud of your openness, ashamed of my cowardly closure. I'm just talking about being mentally ill, a male single parent in a society that doesn't except that very well. Or maybe its just me that doesn't accept me.

I think you are ready to look your mother and brothers in the eyes and tell them you love them. Give it a go, dive straight into the messiness.

I know you even better now and honestly I wasn't judging you. I'm truly sorry if I upset you in any way.

With that out of the way, brother, its HWJT:

Today I'm taking my son to school, still a big thing for me to get out of the house

Forgiving myself

Just be

Working on my project, hobby

Going to use my cross trainer for 40 mins

Eating fruit

Drinking less coffee more water

Challenging my belief of myself!!!!!

End

Cool bananas

Six

PS. I don't see people as gay, hetro, bi, beliefs. Race, gender, background. I don't label people. This is why I do the constant nick name changes. The soul is important to me. My intensity allows me to see into the soul, usually I just need to look into someones eyes but that is hard on forums. If we strip away the labels we are all human living on the same planet. I love for the soul and proud of that. Wow some self confidence. Go me.

[SourceShield]

Hey bro!

I see all of that too - and, thats what makes us unique individuals.

You have a 'hetero' mind - thats science.

Your mind is actually wired differently to mine..seriously, thats science now...always was, we just didnt know that.

Also, my culture and background colour my soul, as does yours...you need to be different to me, so that we can learn about the diversity in the world.

My soul is BLUE - I LOVE THE COLOUR BLUE...its everything to me...My soul is all the different shades of blue swirling and dancing together.

Yours may be red.

Or rainbow...who knows.

Tell me...what are your colours???

But we need diversity.

Its part of our human journey.

I actually really do get what you mean though...you have accepted me, for me...and I love you for that brother!

And I, you!

Why are you apologising though???

I thanked you for asking me the questions, ya goose!

I am just very upfront and straight up...some people get that, and others dont.

Thats just me.

You're doing so well, getting out of the home bro!

Awesome work.

MuchLove

[1113]

I apologize because of self confidence, or lack thereof.

Yes rainbow. But more red orange and yellow. Not dancing but shimmering.

Have a good day bro, don't forget the hwjt

Peace

Six is cooking breakie

[SourceShield]

p.s.

Remember that labels come in different shapes and sizes and when we claim 'our' mental illness, or as you put it...'my mental illness, a male single parent etc'...those are labels too!

Not all labels are bad.

We need labels in some cases to tell us...this is Vegemite, and this is Poison.

I have a HFA brain, thats a label...that I now wear with courage!

Some labels help us to identify where we are, and where we are heading to in our life.

I love you bro.

I get intense people.

...I'm kinda intense too...if ya hadnt noticed!!!...