Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

[lookingforme]

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

[spunkyturtle]

Wonder how this filter works, my second message beat my 1st by hours ha ha

[james1]

Hey Deb, I was waiting for your other post to arrive 🙂 That wasn't very nice of her to say that you triggered her...

I still don't think you did anything wrong. You had to take care of your brother and she was playing hard ball and just being rude about it.

I'm glad you stood your ground.

About the all-or-nothing mindset; I think your actions were fine, but I guess it's a matter of making sure that your brain isn't categorising people. I know I do it a lot.

If it was me, I'd just be telling myself that yes, she's rude, and yes she did bad things. But she's also done good things and good people can be rude. It's not a matter of she's all good and we're great friends, or she's terrible and I shouldn't put up with her.

Wow, all that talk of good and bad is confusing but I hope you get my drift!

Still, it's easier for me to say that. Like you, I struggle convincing myself of that but we can only keep working on it as you say 🙂 I just kind of wish my relationship hadn't broken before I got a chance to start working on it because, well, to be really insensitive, now I don't have a test subject, you know? Not sure how to put that nicely!

Aha my manager won money too... but less than he put in!

[lookingforme]

Hi James, and welcome Deb.

I'm sorry I haven't been around but I have been so exhausted that doing anything that requires concentration just breaks me.

Today, I have been at the edge of anger a lot, at a lot of things. Nothing in particular really, though I'm sure the both of you understand. Yesterday, it dawned on me that I have started properly hallucinating. Not a lot but more than before, more than the auditory hallucinations and that shadow that follows me (I think I have mentioned those before?). I did it once at the beginning of the week, I saw this person in bright clothes just standing and staring at a wall of shelves at work. I thought her behavior was quite odd, because she was very close to them. About a couple of inches. And just standing there. But, I thought, who am I to judge odd behavior? I had just moved to this department, so I didn't know everyone there, but she doesn't belong to anyone in the department, upstairs or down. I brushed that off as someone from some other department standing there. Though it was improbable, certainly not impossible. Yesterday though...there is a long precursor story, but my parents and I live in an apartment building. My mum was waiting in the car outside while I went up to speak to security. I saw her open and look through the glass doors, acknowledge me and beckon toward me with her head. I thought that was strange, and it was niggling at me so I went out to ask her what was up, and she told me she hadn't left the car at all and what am I talking about? That really freaked me out.

I don't know how I'm supposed to trust my brain anymore, and for some who relies on her logic, it just threw me.

I feel better now having related this to someone who will probably read it and reply. It didn't quite help telling no one, or blogging about it. I suppose it wasn't directed at anyone. I will be telling my psychologist tomorrow though.

How are you both? Again, I am sorry I haven't kept up. With all the added stress I have an upcoming exam for which I am a whole semester behind. That means in the next 5 days I have to do all the lectures and revision. It has to happen I suppose. I have taken the week off from work at least. We'll see.

I will keep up from time to time. I hope you both are okay, or as close as you can get.

Deb, I'm sorry my first post to you is chaotic.

Joelle

[spunkyturtle]

Hey Joelle

please never apologise for what you post 😃 I'm really glad you're seeing your psychologist tomorrow, they are a good support, I've never hallucinated, it doesn't sound too good.

My parents are away and I'm caring for my disabled brother, I've been drinking the last 4 days which isn't good. Am just frustrated. Sitting here watch my football team play rubbish football and we are down by 37 points at 3/4 time. Disgraceful really!!

Hopefully group therapy starts up again soon, I was doing much better with 2 days therapy, now I'm slipping a bit.

Cheers you two 😃

[lookingforme]

Hey Deb,

Hallucinating is a hard reality I guess, or unreality...

That sounds tough, how are you holding up? Drinking...I can understand it. I certainly won't place judgement on it. While I was in Aus, I used put about 60% of my pay check in savings, buy the minimum amount of groceries except for chocolate and blast the rest of it away on booze and I would drink almost every night. I was finishing a bottle a weekend pretty much and bit more.

I have never been to group therapy. How is it? I think I would spend a lot of it listening rather than speaking though. A lot of the speaking is internal for me.

Perhaps you would like to share how you are slipping? If you would rather not, that is okay of course.

[spunkyturtle]

Hey lookingforme

group therapy is good, even when someone else is talking you're still learning, they may talk about something personal that gets you thinking about your own situation in that area that you wouldn't have mentioned.

Im just missing the group, being busy and learning new things. Parents are home in two days. My disabled brother just doesn't talk and really can't hold a conversation so I'm just feeling lonely with no one to talk to. I had a friend over but she wasn't much good either. I'll be fine in a couple days 😃

[spunkyturtle]

I have started reading the book 'I hate you, Don't leave me - Understanding the Borderline Personality'. I don't believe I have BPD.

[lookingforme]

Oh? How come? I haven't read it myself, but I you cared to share your thoughts, I will gladly listen.

[spunkyturtle]

BPD has 7 criteria, 4 of which must be met.

The book is going in to detail about the criteria and talking about people with the condition. This is why I asked the Psychologist and Psychiatrist, I thought after all the conversations with the Psychologist she would have an idea.

For example, it's talking about lack of trust and trouble with relationships not lasting more than weeks or months. I was with my ex for four years and he didn't want to break up when I walked out. Although I'm not completely trusting, I do trust select few after short times. I mean if you can't trust your psychiatrist you're in a bit of a mess.

It talks about bpds hating being alone and will latch on to anyone, anyhow. I enjoy my alone time. It also talks about lack of self identity, being easily manipulated, def not me. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and I won't be used or manipulated.

Hmmm

[lookingforme]

Not that I am forcing you down this road, but what about the other 4? From what I have read, there are nine criteria now, is that incorrect?

It's funny you should say that, I don't trust my psychiatrist...