Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello LRC, wave to everyone,

I am super impressed with how you are doing with your healthy eating... especially how you  are doing eating out.. it can't be easy... I don't think you need to worry about what was in the Teriyaki sauce... given it was a 'sometimes meal' rather than regular meal... 

One trick they taught us at the the hospital to help with portion sizes is to use a smaller plate... it makes what you have on the plate look larger & that can trick the brain into thinking it is more food than is actually there... I use salad plates which are half way in size between a standard dinner plate & a bread & butter plate... 

Lass it is ok if you don't feel able to cope at present with replying to posts... I have for awhile now been limiting myself to only reading & replying to posts from the people I have come to know on here or the word games... I was finding trying to reply to new posters too upsetting (when I could find them with this new format)... my mental health is simply not in the right place at the moment for me to cope otherwise... we all use the forums as best we can... 

Woofa sends nose bops & hugs from me

Paws

[mmMekitty]

Hi Paws, & everyone.

If I lived next door too that dog-friendly cafe I'd be in there almost every day, just for the Teriyaki Chicken they make - & yes, I admit, there are more dishes on the menu I would really like to try.

I'm trying to keep in mind, the things we think of as treats don't treat us well at all. So, if I don't have a 'treat', I'm not missing anything. Rather, I gain a measure of improvement to my health, simply not having that 'treat. That's how I'm trying to look at it.

My only problem with smaller plates is that I have a way of spilling food off too easily.

This evening I am doing something not so healthy for dinner. I've used up the last sheet of puff pastry & filled it with chicken pieces, semi-cooked onion & garlic, feta cheese & spinach from frozen, mixed up with some stuffing mix, which is primarily breadcrumbs, with some herbs.

I made a big log & have cut it into two, realising it's too big for one meal, so I'm keeping half for later.

I've become aware how full I will feel an hour or so after eating - & I don't like that full up feeling, not to the extent of feeling my insides are under pressure like that.

I think being aware of this will help me to say 'no' to having large servings, or thinking, I can keep some for later & don't have to eat up everything in front of me - like I was taught as a child.

That's one thing I know has affected how I eat. My parents insisted we finish every bit of food on our plates. Sometimes to make us eat things we didn't enjoy, & sometimes so we wouldn't be saying we were still hungry, meaning we wanted another serve of the really yummy part of the meal ... or even to try to ensure we wouldn't be asking for more food late at night.

& also tell us to think of all the starving children somewhere in the world. What good does that do?

How does a child learn to recognise when they have had enough, how to feel the body telling them 'enough'?

It amazes me how our bodies tell us we are hungry, even when it's not food we need.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey mmMekitty,

Navel oranges are great. The peels do seem thicker than they used to be, don't they? I think you'll have better results with quarters, to turn them inside out - when the peels are thick, I cut a bit into the corners before I turn them inside out, and that works better. It's possible you had valencia oranges before, they definitely aren't as nice (haha, can you tell I've worked in Fruit & Veg?). Mandarins are great. Imperials can get quite dry, but if you get them while they are firm and the peel isn't super loose, they can be pretty good. I like honey murcotts, personally - a little harder to peel, but juicy and tangy. I love my fruit!

Ah, yes, the peculiar preservatives. My mum will look at packets of stuff and just go "nope, too many numbers". I agree, if you have to decode your ingredients, it might not be a good product! I really don't know what they do to the spices to make them "extracts".

I noticed you mentioned that thing of being taught to eat everything on your plate no matter what. Oh boy I relate to that, I still have that instinct to finish everything. We didn't have much, growing up, and Mum also did the thing of bringing up all the starving people. How does me eating too much help them, though?

I'm sorry to see you're feeling overwhelmed on the forums. I guess I have been a bit, too. I do want to remind you though, that this is a space to help you recover from mental health struggles, it isn't an obligation. Take time away from threads that are making you unhappy or triggered. If keeping track of who said what is too much but you want to participate, just be your kind self and respond to the most recent post(s), let people know keeping track is out of your capacity right now if that helps. Maybe if you want to step out of word games but still be active, try the self care thread - you've been doing some fantastic things to take care of yourself, I'm sure others would benefit from the ideas. But you know what, if even that is too much, taking a time out is okay. Or just being here on your own thread for connection to get through the silly season, as you mentioned. I can't stress enough that it isn't selfish to do that. It's okay to be kind to yourself and just do what you can manage.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Blue, & everyone,

Some news on the tele has been upsetting, too. I can only imagine myself in certain situations & feel so strongly for some people& about others. I don't suppose I ought to go into specifics here though.

I was talking aomw ro my PDr & at the end I said to him, "Remind me of where we have left off, next week, will you". He said, "No, you remember." & I said "My memory, the way it is, I cant' say that I will, not even for this." But of-course I am trying to, without thinking too much - you know, like telling yourself to remember the elephant, but then, also telling yourself not to think of an elephant. That's mental gymnastics for you! I've tripped up a few times upsetting myeslf, as you might expect, but so far, I haven't forgotten what my PDr & I were talking about when the time was up.

Hugzies everyone,

mmMekitty 

[mmMekitty]

Also on my mind lately:

I didn't get my new chairs until Friday. Then they said they weren't booked for enough time to put together my office chair. That was done by the manager & another bloke he brought with him, after they left work, at around 6pm.

& I realised they didn't leave the paperwork with me, no warrenty card, nothing. There's a lever on the left had side, uneer the seat, which seems to do nothing.

I didn't mind that they put it together outside my unit, so they were not inside with me. That was the one good thing.

I already feel like my weight is squashing the padding under mee too much. Still, it's better thanmy old chair.

My big new recliner is better, though I hadn't taken into account how much room behind it needs to have to fully recline. The footrest also comes up too high for me to use it properly under my table.

I'm sorting out how to position myself, my phone on a little stand I have & a box on the table, so I can 'Facetime' my PDr, & not show much of my room behind me.

Funny, nervous really, I don't want him seeing my things, which I sit amongst. There really is very little I feel embarrassed about - mostly things I want to sort out & get rid of. But I don't even want him to see how I've knotted the sheer purple curtains up there, with my vivid golden yellow curtains. I did that because it is actually too bright for my eyes to cope with. The look up there looks rather untidy, obviously not properly hung curtains.

Do I really think he'd think worse of me for that? Do I think he' look down his nose at me for how my flat looks? Why do I care anyway? I don't pay him for advice about interior design or how to keep a pristinely clean & uncluttered home.

It's funny the thoughts, like I always want to know what I wore last week, so I don't wear the same thing. What? Do I think he'd think I was lazy or wearing the same thing all the time, maybe because I hadn't washed my clothes? I don't know.

These feel like little annoying thoughts, but maybe not - they keep coming up.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi everyone reading.

I've been out & about a bit this week, with my support worker.

Thursday, it was lunch & swimming, which was so fun & wonderful, though I did get sunburnt on my shoulders & my eyes have taken these few days to recover from the pool water. It's something I would like to investigate & get some advice about. I can recall having a much less intense & far briefer effect from chlorinated water, but would I have a similar effect, but worse, from salt water? No pain, & my eyes are mostly back to 'normal' now. I'd still like to know.

Friday afternoon, we walked up to the local park, for a community Christmas event, mostly for kids, but I like the sausage sizzle, & the magician entertaining the kids is so lively & fun, I enjoy her interractions with the kids. After that, Santa came to give the kids gift bags, & I wondered if we could have one for my neighbour's child. & we got one for her! Turns out the neighbour & child had attended, & we met up with them while walking back up the road, so now the girl has two bags!

This afternoon, we went to another Christmas event, featuring a Wind Orchestra - my support worker reckoned there were 40-50 musicians on stage, set up outdoors. Sounded like that , too. She said the conductor was dancing on the podium while he conducted.

I like seeing so many kids seemingly all of whom were having hun & no fighting - except for a couple kids arguing over who got to sit on dad's lap. There was going to be a movie after, but we didn't stay for that.

I have one more party next week.

It's been a great diversion from other matters, including the forthcoming long break my PDr begins soon.

Goodnight all,

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey mmMekitty,

Sorry I haven't been by for a while, I've been rather burnt out and like you am struggling to keep up with posts when there are a few of them. Brain is in standby mode for the most part.

I'm really glad you have been having some good experiences out and about. Re the pool water, at a guess I would imagine salt water at the beach would be better, I get a lot of stinging in my eyes from pool water, too. Are goggles an option if you can only get to the pool, not the beach? Hope you can keep your spirits up while your doctor is on break. Your chums here are around to support you. 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Blue & everyone

My support worker & I had a good time at the Xmas party. We both won raffle prizes, which we sorted through to have what we prefered.

I have some lemon infused oil, which I think will be great with salmon. &, yes some bikkies. But I made them take the blackberry jam! I have the tea to give to my other support worker, with some of the bikkies, I hope she & her hubby will enjoy.

They had a small women's choir & a ukulele band, which included some men who could really sing! When they sang together, the sound was rich & lovely.    

Afterwards, my support worker & I went for a swim, again. 

My support worker's hubby had put up a few shade sails over the deeper end of their pool. What a great idea!

This time I wore my t-shirt to keep my shoulders from getting sunburnt again.

& I was trying very hard to keep my head up, my dark glasses on & my hat in place, even pulling it down when I wanted to lean back & wet my hair, in an effort to keep the sun from my face, when I realised, I could drift away from being under the shade sails.

It was all good until the arch of my right foot cramped up. I wasn't in the pool as long as the first time.

But also, I didn't have everything looking bright pink, either.

Okay, then, I think,I just need to be careful of the conditions, wearing hat & dark glasses, because now I think the problem is mostly the bright light, from above & reflected off the pool water, just all too much for me & my eyes.

Next week I want to go to the cafe where I had the wonderful teriyaki chicken, then do some shopping afterwards.

Beach? I've got an idea - which I forgot last Thursday. There is one, an artificial beach, not so far as the real beaches are from me, Would I dare go there, with lots of other people around? Not sure yet about that.

Blue, I'm not sure I understand what you mean; when your brain is in stand-by mode, might that be like when my thoughts are stewing, simmering, not yet well-formed enough, nor available to me to voice aloud?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey mmMekitty,

Glad you had a good time out and about, and won some raffles. Glad you didn't get sunburnt in the pool this time, too! Sorry to hear about the foot cramp. Magnesium is good for muscle cramps, I think it's in Epsom salts, which is probably why they're meant to be good for muscle relaxation.

Interesting about the artificial beach, I've never been to one. The real beach is technically accessible to me, but not easily so. If you do decide to go, I hope it goes well.

That's in the ballpark of what I mean about brain in stand-by mode. It's like a computer on screen-saver. Technically it's on and managing a basic automatic function, but that's all it's doing. Thinking is hard, finding energy is hard, keeping track of information is barely a thing. That's where I'm at, at the moment.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[mmMekitty]

that you can communicate where you are at is something. 

It's okay. If what you need is a little quiet time, then it's yours to decide.

I already take a supplement medication, as suggested by my last GP, hoping that ould help with some cramps in my legs & neck. The cramp in my arch was a new one. I wondered if the water being a little cooler this time might have had something to do with it. 

I'm worrying over how many people there will be around if I go to a public place to swim. I don't like to unexpectedly come into contact with people. I am finding avoiding that more & more difficult. It' s something else to work on, or I will inevitably, stop going out entirely, unless I am with a support worker who is very mindful of how I feel. My current support worker doesn't quite understand how such unexpected contacts affect me. 

I wonder if my brain is in 'holiday' mode, since I went back to sleep until nearly 11am this morning! I haven't done that for a long, long time.

Done my online food shopping - taking into consideration how I want to use the gift card, needing to check items at the other shop's website, it took all afternoon, including some interruptions from the girl who lives next door. I wish she had kids to play with.

Goodnight, hope you sleep well.

Hugzies

mmMekitty