In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Today I had my psych appointment. I'm now on an extra anti psychotic. I hope this will do the trick because the psychosis is still here just on the mute now and then. It's been one hell of a ride since I started on my treatment. The agitation has been profound and my heart is in overdrive. I feel pumped full of adrenalin.

Star; my Bear was a Shepherd x collie and he had long golden fur. I bought him as a pup from the Lort Smith Animal Shelter in Melbourne. He's been gone a while now but we had so many adventures together : ) He smiled a lot. Bandicoot with her chicken drumstick thighs doesn't smile but twirks on my leg like possessed. She's a really strange little creature. Oh, and I introduced my psyche to Doggo and she smiled. Doggo is my companion in the car. He's kind of big and sits in the passenger seat and reminds me of Wilfred dog from the Tv series. I just like driving around with him. I will show photo soon ok

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

I hope too that the right medication balance will soon be found. I understand how frustrating and unsettling this trial and error process must be for you. Yes, it's been a hell of a ride. Fingers crossed you can soon get off the roller coaster and tread firm ground.

Bandicoot sounds like she has "misdirected instinct syndrome"...or something like that. Just invented a name for a common complaint (although the complaint is always from the "owners", never the dog !) 🙂 Looking forward to seeing Doggo. Safer than picking up hitchhikers and a good excuse not to.

Wishing you a peaceful day.

[Simona]

Wow. Talked about pumped : ) I just found out this morning I have a .......JOB!!!

Aha. I'm going to be a waitress/kitchen hand. I will have to wash everything by hand. I know I really aimed for the SES but for now this will do. As sick as I am I'm going to show just how useful and capable I can be because .... I don't like sitting and staring like a sad muppet while worrying about my blood or mental disorder. It's only for 4 hrs one day a week. It will help me distract amongst the people I used to spy on. I hope there will be no accidents this time. I have waitressed before and I accidently tipped the entire tray and a lady got her alcohol all over. And you would think she would have been cross with me but she was in shock I think. The lady who gave me this new job knows me. She was very happy when I said yes because it's hard yakka.

[Starwolf]

Wow, congratulations !

I have observed that when we make a decision to turn things around, Life usually follows through and delivers. If it puts a spanner in the works, it usually means that it was the wrong move or the wrong time.

Waitressing is hard work but doing it part time will reduce the pressure. You already know the ropes. Well done for taking it on ! You'll be fine. Being offered the job by someone who knows you means she also knows you'll be good at it.

As for accidents, they just happen. We all have our embarrassing moments...many of them we later remember with a bit of a giggle.

So happy for you about this big step forward. Go Simona !

[Simona]

a bad bad morning. I'm very angry. and I have to see the advocate. seriously need to chill out somehow. things from the past right up till now - so fed up of having to talk about feelings. how have I been? depends on who you were talking to . i'll turn this right around today. i'll ask my advocate about feelings. get her talking. this morning for no particular reason I 'm rabid and I want to be left alone. hope I hold myself together. I'm working tonight

[blondguy]

Hey Simona

I see that you have been going through a rough patch...I do hope you can have some peace soon Simona...

Congratulations on getting that job...that makes you a legend!

Be Gentle to yourself Simona

Paul (Hugs)

[Simona]

Thank-you Paul. Wow anther new profile pic : ) looking good Funny i always imagined you to look like Owen Wilson for some reason. I do feel better now. Like sort of placid. Last Friday went really well. It was a very short shift so I didn't tire. It felt really good to be earning my own money for a change. True i sell on Ebay but that's like lolly money. Bit here/bit there. Otherwise just trying to be 'kind' to myself and rest. Been taking Bandicoot for walks and dad came up over the weekend. He took me out for coffee/cake and we strolled slowly with his arm gently slung over my shoulder. I do so wish i didn't live so far from my parents.

Thanks for the hug : )

[Guest_1055]

Hey Simona

I was just wondering what sort of job you are doing now? Anyway good on you! Some dads can be really nice, yours sounds a little protective of you, because of the way he is gently slinging his arm over your shoulder. That is pretty special. Anyway I just wanted to say hello to you. And I also want to give you a hug.

Love

Shelley xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona,

So pleased that you are feeling better. Placid is good, because that means calm and peaceful. I hope you have found some inner peace Simona.

It must have been really nice to have had your Dad visiting over the weekend. Are we about to see any of his photography work showing up as your profile picture? (-:

I agree with Shelley, it does sound as though your Dad is the protective type. Its nice to be gently relaxed in the company of our Dad, isnt it?

Well done to you for coming through with flying colours at your first waitressing/kitchen hand shift. I never doubted it for a minute! When are you on again? I find it very uplifting to be working and earning my own money. I only work part time, but its important, as it gives me a purpose in life and a sense of achievement.

And lucky Bandicoot with all the walks she's been going on with you. I havent been that well myself the past few days so I have been neglecting little Holly a bit. I must get off my backside and get out and about over the coming days. I work tomorrow, but maybe after work I will get out for a walk somewhere.

It looks like you will be all hugged out Simona, because here I am adding mine to Shell and Paul's.

All the best to you.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Hello Shelley : ) I'm a waitress/dish-hand depending on the rush. I work in a small outback style tavern/pub and they put a big feed on Friday nights plus any birthday bashes etc. Lucky for me there's no glassware to wash because it's just tinnies and bottles here. Yeah my dad and i are very similar. He's missed me so much and was upset he didn't know i was in the MHU. He is very affectionate to me now i am adult but when i was just a girl/child we weren't that close because he and mum argued and drank too much alcohol. All is well now though : )

Thank-you for 'popping' in and the hug. It's always a pleasure to see you around Shelley : )