In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Simona]

And hello Sherie : )

My moods change by the hour so i do try to distract a lot. The treatment I'm on (2nd week of it i think) is really testing me. Just to sit here and type some takes effort now because I'm always squirming/moving around etc. I bought a new 5 metre extendable leash for Bandicoot so i took her out yesterday morning. I can't let her off leash because she chases the birds across the road and she can be very naughty with the cats. She squirms under fences and runs amok.

Those body parts photos? ha ha ha. No. But you guys will get to see Doggo soon enough. He's a actually like a Navman. With dry humour.

Yeah it's great to be making an honest buck without selling my soul to speak. It's NICE. My gloved hands are immersed in greasy hot water working the scourer but it's good clean hard work and i love it. It brings me closer to people which is important in recovering from the psychosis. Plus, it's nice to have people smile and say thank you because i do take great pride in all that i do. What i do i do with pleasure otherwise it makes no sense to be doing it at all.

Later today i have my appointment with my psyche nurse. It's every week. Last week we went out and had coffee together and discussed art and music. Made me feel special. Thank-you Sherie for all your support and kindness. Feedback here is so grounding to me no matter how small. I'm grateful for all that i have received : )

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

So happy for you that you are enjoying this new job and also that you shared special time with your Dad.

So many people are doing jobs they hate but do it for the money. If kept up long-term this is soul destroying. Nothing like feeling useful/helpful...Having fun with it is a bonus.

Your vet nurse seems like a good sort, some improvement on your previous therapist. Being able to discuss art with her in front of a coffee sounds like the perfect bonding session. And so necessary for an ideal "work relationship". Wonderful to know you're in good hands.

I hope those "jitters" will calm down with time.

Have a terrific day.

[Guest_5218]

Good afternoon Simona. You sound very positive today, thats great to see. Or hear anyway!

Yes I imagine that treatment you are having would be testing your patience somewhat. But it sounds as though you are at least able to eat okay now?

Yes those 5mtr leashes are good, I have one for Holly as well. Although I have her off leash more often than not. She is very obedient, and never goes far from me anyway. But I put the leash on sometimes for her own protection if I'm near a busy road or something.

I'm looking forward to meeing Doggo!

Speaking of work, I have just walked in the door after an honest days work myself. Well not quite a day, but 6 hours anyway. Im thrilled that you are enjoying your work. Especially since you say that it gets you out and socialising in a way that you wouldnt otherwise. Having people smile and say thanks for your efforts is very satisfying too I imagine.

It sounds like you have developed a very good relationship and understanding with this new psych nurse of yours. I think that is very important. She is going to do her absolute best by, and for, you. It sounds like your last appointment was more of a catch up between friends. Thats great, and I think thats the way it should be.

Anyway, thanks again for the update. It makes me happy to hear that you are happy. (-:

Much love and best wishes to you.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Extra happy now : ) I have here 1 male mouse spider with a bright red head. I'm not planning on keeping him but it's great to just check it out properly while it is safely contained. I'm not back to collecting arachnids again - this one just ventured up the back porch but oh boy he's a beauty : ) So just another species I can strike off my list.

Of course it will be relocated shortly.

[Simona]

Hello. Ok so I released the Mouse Spider and have since been thinking of returning to my psychologist. Now I'm not all that familiar with their protocols and must ask if I can just basically use him like one would use a confessional box - no strings attached. And if I can - can I tell him absolutely anything and not wind up in a whole heap of trouble? Because i have been thinking it would be easier on the brain if I were to unload. Some. I don't feel bad as a human being but I would like to understand myself better.

[Guest_5218]

Hi there Simona.

Glad you released the Mouse Spider. They are a particularly good speciman of Arachnid arent they?

With regards to unloading to your psych. I think its a great idea. You seem to have developed a good understand and trust in this fellow, so why not? I believe they have to keep information you give them confidential. So I see no reason why you should not unload if that will make you feel better within, and to help understand yourself better. A bit of a self discovery mission.

Good luck with it Simona. And I hope you have a great day.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Morning Sherie : ) Well I haven't seen my psychologist for months because he said it's best not to for a while. To explain; I was in deep psychosis and the 2 sessions I had with him were not very productive for either one of us. So I'm thinking of going back to him because he's seen me at my worst.

Thank-you for wishing me luck. Now that the new improved me is slowly emerging I hope he and I will be able to finally bond : )

And a fantastic day to you also : ) It's just absolutely beautiful out here

*The spider was very aggressive but my manoeuvre was as accurate as swift. Calmness is everything.

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

I've been reading your last posts and am wondering what a mouse spider looks like. I never heard them mentioned around my area so I guess they're not local residents.

Going back to your psych is a terrific idea. Unloading is not unlike exorcism. Our inner demons loose a lot of their power when brought into the light. They're better out there than gnawing at us from the inside...

I agree that the new you should connect with the therapist way better and vice-versa. Well done for giving it another go.

Thinking of you.

[Simona]

Hey Star : ) I love your new pic! Like a little Arctic Fox pup.

Yeah I just wanted to make sure is all. I need to know that what is disclosed in the room stays in the room. I need this man to be 100% loyal. Now the Red Headed Mouse spider - they are closely related to the Sydney Funnel webs and Trapdoors. It's a magnificent creature but I wouldn't like to find one in my boot or up the leg of my jeans. Few years back I found one of the biggest Wolf Spiders up inside my jeans. Yeah, I was walking around with this thing. And no I didn't get bit : )

Thanking you for your thoughts - as always : )

[Guest_1055]

Hi Simona

I just want you to feel encouraged, because you do sound so much better. I have read a lot of your posts right back from last November, as that is when I first meet you. Anyway much love to you now.

Hugs

Shelley xx