In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. I'm so sorry to read that you are going through another rough patch.

And it must be really hard for you preparing food for the family, but unable to bear the smell or thought of food yourself. I think I understand that this is as a result of the treatment you are having for your blood disorder? Have they indicated to you how long this is likely to last for? It sounds pretty awful. I hope you can bear it a little longer to allow everything to settle.

You are a unique and wonderful individual Simona, so please dont worry about being 'cuckoo' on occasion. If its a part of being you, then your loved ones will accept that. They just want you to be well, and know that this is just a necessary part of the process to get you there.

Persevere Simona, and in the meantime, know that I am thinking of you and willing you to get well.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Hullo again : ) ha. I do like your new profile pic very much Sherie. You look like one of those Beyond Blue Ambassadors. Your lovely face is as warm and welcoming as a glass of milk served with homemade apple pie.

The nausea is giving me a break. I have been able to eat more than just toast and bananas and dry biscuits. I will be having a blood test in 5 weeks time to see how things are going. This will determine whether or not my treatment needs to be extended with possibly a 3rd agent thrown in the mix. The aim is remission = cured. This will not be an overnight success story. It's going to take patience and great deal of self nurturing. Though feeling positive i'm not about to count my chickens before they hatch Trying to remain stable but I have my moments of insane anxiety. I feel very fidgety and high strung mostly. Can't sit still. I get acutely uncomfortable and have to move around. Your interest and concern is much appreciated Sherie : ) means a lot to me

[Simona]

*It's not cancer so please don't think that horrid word. but my chances of developing it is statistically higher if i don't get cured.

[Guest_5218]

Simona - great to hear from you again. I was worrying about you as I hadnt heard from you in 2 days. I am really glad that the nausea has finally given you a bit of a break. Dig into some good nourishing food now while you can. ( - :

Oh Simona, you do make me laugh - you are so lovely. "Warm and welcoming as a glass of milk served with homemade apple pie". Me ... really? I will be changing my picture again soon, this one is only temporary.

This sounds pretty serious stuff Simona with your blood, talk of remission and cures. I'm worried for you now! So please do nurture yourself, dont neglect your food intake, or your mental wellbeing either. I'm glad you are feeling positive though, thats a fantastic sign. And I am also thinking positive on your behalf .......

I know exactly what you mean with anxiety - I get all that too when mine gets bad. Ie, fidgety, cant sit still, uptight, noticeable shaking, rapid heartbeat and tightness in the chest. I try my relaxing breathing when it gets bad, and I think I am getting better at it, because it actually seems to work okay these days. I also talk to my little dog Holly, and I keep her close to me. She is very obliging too ..

I have great confidence in you Simona and medical science ... I am already starting to count those chickens!

Sherie xx

[Guest_5218]

Simona, I just got your second brief post. I already knew it wasnt cancer, as I recall you saying before that it was a blood disorder of some sort. But I'm glad you have clarified that. I'm still concerned for you though. But also thinking very positively. Like I said in my last post - I have great confidence in both you, and medical science.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Yeah. I'll be right. Didn't choose the best time to start but patience/clear thinking has never been one of my virtues. I have been extremely wayward. In the past. I'm so profoundly sorry for my parents. I am painful but life happened. Sh*t happens. And here I am

[Guest_5218]

Simona - dont ever apologise, or feel sorry for, being you. Sh*t does happen, and despite that - you're here. And what a wonderful thing that you are!

I too am an impatient bugger the majority of time. Although generally I am able to counter my impatience with a little bit of clear thinking. I guess it evens out a bit in the end?

Take care Simona, and give little Bandicoot a cuddle from me.

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

I often fail to live up to standards too although I try my best not to offend... We're all different so have different needs and expectations. A bit more tolerance and breadth of vision would do a lot towards making the world a better place.

We all end up hurting others because of where we're at and what inner resources we had at the time. It doesn't mean we're bad, only flawed/damaged humans with limited power and often the inability to control our impulses. Because our life path hasn't brought us to that point yet.

You hit the nail on the head when you say what you're going through now is not your fault. It isn't. And it will pass. Hanging in there till it does shows your courage and determination to see it through. You have many reasons to be proud of yourself.

The past is what shaped you into who you are now. No matter how chaotic it has been, its positive side is YOU as you are now, caring, talented, sensitive and strong. It is obvious to all of us here. I hope you can see it too.

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) I feel like I lost myself. That this new medicated person I have become irks me like a stone underfoot. I feel so edgy and wired up in all the wrong ways. I can't sit still yet feel exhausted. I involve myself with my family as much as I'm able but feel lonely. At night or early dawn I'm awake while everyone sleeps. Sometimes strange pains wake me up or nausea. This makes my anxiety bad. I don't mean to snap at others. Today I had some time in the sun. Not much but it's 25 degrees and the gardens are exploding with colours and activity. I like watching the birds. There's a few here that stare down from the guttering of the old shed next door. The Brotherhood sits in a row like dark shrouded monks at sundown. I stare back. It feels like a scene from an apocalyptic black & white reel.

I think about running away some days. Like packing up and breaking out. My goodbye letter I visualize in an Edwardian Romantic script with flourish and curve. And then the realization hits me that this is one thing I can't escape. Thank-you for your support and insight Star : )

which dog am I looking at? Looks like a Shepherd

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

Medication can upset the cart, though this is often necessary before its contents can be re-assembled. It is still early days but I can understand your concern with this slow process.

Reading your post, I can reassure you that this is unmistakably Simona writing and expressing her thoughts, the pre-med Simona many of us have learned to "know" and appreciate. Your style is distinctive and I'm not only referring to the way you write...

So in spite of the edginess and nausea you describe, the real YOU doesn't seem affected at all even though there are ripples of disturbance on the surface. Hopefully those annoying symptoms will soon ease and gradually disappear over time.

I do remember you mentioning episodic feelings of disconnection with your loved ones a long time ago. This seems to be a recurring pattern, familiar to many of us struggling with mental/emotional issues. One of the many by-products...

You're right, this is my old Shepherd girl. The blue eyes are an unexpected throw back to Husky blood, 7 or 8 generations ago, one of "selective" breeding stuffs up.

Have a peaceful, restful day.