In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎15-04-2016

Coming here is like going to confessional. I imagine. Last night I lost 'it'. Well it happened at the dinner table. Partner had ordered fish and chips and forgot to order Master 10's grilled butterfish. I just didn't like the atmosphere from there onwards. I didn't like the quiet disappointment that hung heavily in between the clang of silver on ceramic and THAT chewing. So I stood up. Picked up my plate. Shoved my chair in with the other hand. Stood and pointed at each family member individually and menacingly told them I will never do anything for anyone ever again. And I called my partner deaf as ****. And I ate my dinner outside sitting in the family Statesman in the driveway and felt nothing about it.

Later Master 10 jumped in beside me and asked if he could do his homework in the car. He wanted my company. So I nodded and turned the interior light on. I could just make out partner standing at the top of the driveway. I looked over at my son then pointed my index finger at MY head and slowly said 'I'm not well you know that'.

I would like to think my medication is helping. But last night I felt like I ought to be kept away from them.

And I'm starting treatment next week and I'm scared. I just have this gut feeling the timing is all wrong because I still have self harm urges I'm fighting off while home alone. I mean, one contradicts the other. I don't know what to do. One part of me is resisting - wants out the door. It just seems so pointless . Trying to heal while wanting OUT. For me, there are no plans. It's all reflex all whim

Simona · ‎15-04-2016

and I really don't want people to ever feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it trust me. I'm still waiting for that piano to come crashing down on my head. Gutless iam

Starwolf · ‎15-04-2016

Hey Simona,

Sorry last night episode has upset you so much. It's early days and you have been/are going through a lot. Hiccups are inevitable. Stress has a way of getting to all of us to the point where the most insignificant trigger can blow a situation out of proportions.

Your family cannot walk in your shoes but they are caring and understand your moods for what they are. Your son obviously wanted to let you know there was no harm done. You are all lucky to have each other. There's a lot of love holding you together.

Medication takes time to kick in and its effects to become established. That's just the way it is, you're not at fault and should absolve yourself. You don't want out of Life, you only want to stop living with this instability and fear. That's what the medication is trying to even out. Mind patterns take time to re-program, particularly if they've been in place for long. So hang in there and give yourself a pat on the back, you've already come a long way.

Your previous post shows that some improvement has already been achieved. Things are moving in the right direction although probably not as fast as you would like them to...

Thinking of you.

blondguy · ‎15-04-2016

Hi Simona

I apologize for being slack and not saying hey for a while. I see that you have been on a rough road recently but I also see some progress too! Are you chickens still lucky enough to get your beautiful Banana cake & frosting?

Please be gentle and let yourself have some time to heal...You are not gutless Simona..in any way

Paul x

Simona · ‎15-04-2016

Hello Star & Mr Blond : )

Star: I rang my psych nurse after my posts this morning. I told her I'm finding it hard with all the medication. I didn't tell her about the urges because I don't want to have to take more meds. I just got started one a new one while getting weaned off the another. And for someone who was so adamant and distrustful of 'Big Pharma' I suppose being overwhelmed would be an understatement. Bottom line is I want to stay alive. I do. I want to live so much. Thank-you Star.

Haha Paul : ) gosh you made me smile. Thank-you for reminding me of better times. Well the chickens haven't had any cake lately. But 1 of them will need a snood soon because it's been bullied really bad. One of the other hens I nicknamed 'The Screw' sits on her back and rides her and rips her feathers out. She's bald around the neck like a vulture.

blondguy · ‎16-04-2016

Hey Simona

Thankyou for being your kind hearted self .....You just made me smile big time! Bald around the neck like a 'vulture'....you really crack me up with the way you talk Simone:-)

I do hope your weekend is good to you

Paul x

Simona · ‎20-04-2016

just an update. Started on treatment for my blood disorder early this week. Been sick. feeling pretty sick and spaced out. i was taken off my new anti psychotic because it made me extremely restless/agitated. The mind was fried but the body kept twitching, kicking flexing. it was hell. so i have been put on another one and i don't know...i woke up in between 1- 3 am feeling nauseous to the max. been like that all day. i manage dry biscuits, banana on toast. yeah I'm usually anti carb and all that but i need to eat something for strength and for the strong medication I'm on. the psychosis is still here. i laid down today in an empty quiet house except all the yahoo was in the head even a talking dog. they would just not shut up then a piano started playing this erratic no that rattled me and i thought stuff this I'm getting up. because i have about a month to wait until this new anti psychotic kicks in and turns the dial down. until then i just need to hang tight. next week i see my psych nurse again

Kazzl · ‎20-04-2016

Hey Simona - I'm so sorry to hear of your setback. Medications can take a while to get right, I know you know that. And it can be a cruel thing to go through transitions from one to another.

Hang on hun, hang on. It will get better again. I know you have the tenacity to get through. Remember how it's been the past little while to feel better again. Write it down, read it when you need to, and re-read your recent posts. It will be that way again. And we're all still here walking alongside you during the transition - and always, whilever you want us.

Don't be nervous or anything about sharing what you're going through if you want to during this time. You know we care about you.

Kaz

xx

Simona · ‎20-04-2016

thank-you Kaz. i wish this wasn't happening to me. i don't know what else to say. i know others have it much worse. I'm not suicidal . i want to live so bad but the damn mood tilt and crowded head syndrome makes me go a little cuckoo now and then. it's not my fault at all

Simona · ‎21-04-2016

and my cuckoo is not always the funny variety. and I shouldn't be home but I am and I'm trying hard to stay. this morning was bad. I can't make breakfasts. lunches. being around food makes the nausea worse. food disgusts me. I snuck up beside master 10 and screamed the word WOW back at him and yes he jumped. I don't like people wowing at my inability to please them. I know I'm not living up to standards but all I'm after is a tiny speck of understanding and some slack .