In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

You have me sitting here with a sheepish smile. Your advice is duly noted. I feel I AM kind to myself overall. I had a QUIET candlelit bath on Saturday with flower petals and I'm doing really well not making myself sick still. The urge is there but I just fight it. I have been sleeping in till almost midday. I have been having really 'out there' dreams so I like sleeping a lot and stretching out and having the entire bed to myself.

Tomorrow I find out the damage to my teeth at the community dental place. I'm abit nervous it.

[Simona]

Well that didn't last long. I really screwed up tonight and gave in. I feel pretty bad for partner and his homemade healthy pizza. I think I have a very long trying journey ahead of me. I drank so much water and I'm still thirsty.

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona. Its been really quiet around our threads lately hasnt it? With both Starwolf and Wilma away lately.

Glad to see that you are being kind to yourself, as advised by Starwolf. The candlelit bath on Saturday with flower petals and no doubt some lovely scents, sounds like heaven.

I'm disappointed for you that your partners healthy pizza went by the wayside on Monday. You had been doing so well too. But you know it can be done now, and you will get back there again.

Star, I really hope you are coping okay in the wet weather which I know you dont like much, and the lack of a vehicle?

Simona, how did you get along at the dentist yesterday? I hope its all fixed. Speaking of dentists, I have an appointment in 2 weeks time. Just for an annual checkup thankfully, as I dont have any tooth issues right now.

Just a quick check in for now Simona, since I hadnt visited in a while. Letting you know that I am still here and still care. Hugs to you.

Taurus xx

[Starwolf]

How did the dental appointment go ? I hope the damage is minimal and it won't have to be followed by too many others.

Setbacks are part of the journey. They happen less often as we go. Not seeing them as failure but just as something to avoid in the future does help. Reducing their numbers is still an overall victory 🙂

There's much welcome sunshine here after 2 soggy weeks...It never fails to bring on mood improvement. Time to go out there and soak in a dose of Vit D.

[Simona]

Thank-you for the visit and the hugs T. I'm not feeling good so the hugs come at a good time. My ocd has reared it's ugly head. I think being anxious brought it on. Back to repetitive showering and obsessive rituals like constantly brushing my hair. It's all really draining and depressing.

I just want to pull my beanie right over my head and hide

The teeth issue is not resolved. I have to go back next week for work to begin. I have 2 holes in 2 front teeth.

Tomorrow I see my mh support worker and I have to pick up the vial of medication from the chemist. I need to drop it off to my mh clinician. My depot injection is due in a few days.

I'm going to bed. Take care T and thanks again for dropping by

[Simona]

Happy you got some sun Star. I was sitting in the sunshine today.

Thank-you for coming by too.

I try not to feel bad about setbacks but I'm worried for my teeth. I can't keep doing it

[Guest_9809]

Hello again Simona. You dont have to thank me for visiting you know. I visit because I want to, I like your company and I care about you. Glad yesterdays hugs came at a time you needed them. (-:

Really sorry that your OCD has reared its ugly head again. I also have OCD, which sometimes is quite bad and other times is very manageable. My obsessions tend to be along the lines of ensuring everything is exactly in its proper place, all lined up perfectly. Or making patterns out of things like bricks, pavers, etc. Or making number combinations from the digital clock all night long. And if I cant come up with the right number, I make a mental bargain about awful things that may happen if I dont come up with the right numbers or patterns. It can get really exhausting, cant it?

My psych has told me that its better to accept the obsessive thoughts, rather than resist them. Apparently the more you can accept the thoughts, and the less you fight them, the better you will do. I am not sure if this works for me or not, but I try to just accept that I am a little weird and leave it at that.

Ouch, so another trip to the dentist next week. Hopefully get these holes fixed up and, with you doing so much better with your anorexia, it wont happen again in future.

Setbacks are an unavoidable part of recovery Simona. Just know that you are doing so much better right now than what you have done in a long time. That has to be a strong incentive to continue doing what you are now? And that includes the depot shots which you are due for again soon. Think of them as your friend and ally. Not your enemy as you may have once thought.

Did you get some more sunshine today Simona? Perhaps you had Speedy, Cupcake and Bandicoot out there enjoying the day with you? We got some sun here today too, it was really beautiful actually. I had little Tammie sitting on her pillow on the deck in the lovely warm sun from 8am this morning. Her favourite spot on a sunny morning, something she hasnt had in over a week. (-:

Best wishes and a hug coming your way.

Taurus xx

[Simona]

Hello T have not been feeling well. I had my depot shot on Friday and my arm is still sore from it like I have been corked. Back to back showers and constant washing/brushing/despairing. I have to wash myself over and over again in a certain way. It's hard not to get S thoughts from it. I mean; I 'm so tired and 'over it'. I spend so much time engrossed in my rituals a whole weekend passes by and I hardly left the bathroom. Partner doesn't really grasp it. He says your gorgeous honey but I tell him it's not about that. It's about not being able to stop and hating myself for it. And the anorexia - a voice in my head said " Anorexic? You have not earned the right to call yourself anorexic. Just look at yourself!!!!"

Yeah it's pretty vicious and constant. I just don't know what to do anymore or say. I guess that's why I have been a little quiet.

Thank-you for the hug

[Starwolf]

How frustrating, disheartening this must be for you...

Could it have something to do with the fact that effects of the previous depot shot were running out and those of the recent one have not yet kicked in ? Is there someone from your mh team you could contact to talk or ask about this ? This is obviously distressing you so surely someone in the know should make themselves available for a chat...

Please go easy on yourself, you are in no way to blame for any of this. Perhaps it was just one of those days. Today isl hopefully be a better one and peace of mind will be returned.

[Simona]

Hello Star Yes I suppose that could be the case now that you have mentioned it. Yes I have told my mh clinician so she's aware of my current struggles. In a few weeks I hope to be seen by the new psychiatrist who will re-evaluate. Until then it was suggested I go to a dr for general bloodworks and such in regards to the anorexia.

I try really hard to distract myself through the day and so far had only 1 shower. But I still brush my hair a lot.

I have another lot of antipsychotics that I could take but they are only to be taken right before bed and meant to aid sleep. I'm not to take these through the day unless instructed otherwise.

I'm not happy and head is filling up with distressing thoughts. My Mh clinician doesn't know about these because they have really started on the weekend and I only see her Fridays.

Tomorrow I will see my psychologist so I will tell her how I am.

How is the transport issue? any luck yet with a reliable vehicle?