In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona, sorry to hear that your weekend was a difficult one as a result of a sore arm, OCD and SI. You didnt mention the teeth, so hopefully that is not troubling you at present.

I'm glad to see that you will be seeing your psychologist tomorrow, and that you are committed to speaking with her as to exactly how you've been feeling these past few days. The more they know of how you feel, the more likely it is that they can help. Hopefully when you see your MH clinician on Friday you will be feeling a lot better. However even if that is the case, its still a good idea to discuss these distressing thoughts you've been having. It is possible that it is related to the timing of the depot shots, and they may consider changing the timing of them in future or even changing the content of them. Hopefully you will soon be back to feeling much better again, as you'd appeared to be up until these past few days.

Thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow's apt goes well.

T xx

[Simona]

Hello T Well the teeth are not too bad you know. Annoying at times but not constant.

Yes I hope to feel betters soon. I was awake at 5am thinking. I just couldn't go back to sleep.

So far today I have not been sick so that is good. My digestive system is confused to say the least.

[Simona]

Felt good to talk to my psychologist. She said she's going to talk to my mh clinician. I'm so mentally/physically tired from all this obsessive showering (have to wash every place a certain way) and grooming. My scalp is sore in places where I have developed red spots from the irritants in shampoo. They look like burns. This really depresses me. I want to stop but I can't. I'm washing/brushing my hair out. I feel anxious all day and so sad. Why do I feel anxious? I don't know! : ( I like being asleep the most. I just want to sleep and dream away this nightmare. Last night I dreamt I was with Jesus and it was a happy dream. I felt good and almost happy in the morning then it started again and I was out of control - the mania won't leave me alone

[Guest_9809]

Good evening Simona. Good to hear from you, post your psychologist appointment today.

Pleased to hear that your teeth are not giving you any real pain at present, hopefully on Thursday that will all be fixed anyway. Hey good on you for managing to not be sick yesterday. As you say, your digestive system probably is a little confused right now. Its not used to regular food intake, and it will no doubt take some adjustment. Nothing good is gained without effort or time though. So hopefully it will all be worth it in the end.

Its great that you were able to speak freely and honestly to your psychologist. And also good that you wont have to go through everything again with your clinician, because you psych will speak to her on your behalf.

Oh Simona, I am really sorry that your OCD has become this bad again. Perhaps you could try one of the really gentle shampoo's, such as Johnsons baby conditioning shampoo? You will probably find it less of an irritant to your scalp. Thats a shame because you had said that your hair had been growing back so nice and healthy lately. I dont know why you are feeling so anxious lately Simona. Did your psych have any ideas on that?

If there is one good thing to all this Simona, its that you are having pretty good sleep lately, and even nice dreams. A decent sleep can make such a big difference.

I hope your latest depot shot soon kicks in and provides you some relief from your current mania.

I wish I could help Simona, I really do. But all I can do is send you my best wishes, my unwavering support and a big hug. Please keep in touch, I always love hearing from you.

It looks as though Starwolf if having a bit of a break, I hope she's okay.

Taurus xx

[Guest_9809]

Hi there Simona. I dont have much to say, but wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. Hopefully you are feeling better than you were a couple of days ago. Is it back to the dentist for you today?

Talk to you again soon. Meanwhile, an encouraging hug is coming your way.

Love to you.

Taurus xx

[Starwolf]

You injured your back a while ago...these days it is me. Also battling the flu. I have been able to do little else than lie on the floor in front of the heater. Painful and unproductive.

It is good that you psychologist and mh clinician are now in touch re the frustrating OCD issue. Hopefully, they will put their heads together and figure out a solution. It sounds out of control at the moment and is making your life difficult. You sure need peace to return. I guess meds will need tweaking until they get it right. ASAP would be good !

Sending a virtual hug and warm thoughts.

[Simona]

Hello Taurus & Star : ) I want you both to know just how much I appreciate your kind words and support. I have been struggling which is why I'm quiet. The teeth (2) have been fixed up but one of them is still extremely sensitive to cold water/air so I'm going back in 2 weeks time to get it checked out again.

Thank-you for suggesting the baby shampoo T. I will try to remember to grab a bottle today. It's only 11 am and I have already shampooed/showered. I'm wearing a beanie to try and not touch my hair. Because I'm constantly touching my hair which I have had to cut shorter. I also have to rub my hands together over and over again.

Yesterday I had an anxiety attack in town and I just couldn't wait to get home and under the water. This is how it's like for me. It's this feeling of urgency about needing to be clean all over and in control.

Sorry to hear you are unwell with the flu Star. The flu can be very nasty. I really hope it doesn't linger too long. I fully understand why you haven't been around and I want you to now it's ok. I know you care

I don't know why I'm so anxious and frantic. My Mh clinician and my psychologist have no idea either. I can have it under control 1 hr but then not the next. I can have 2 or 3 consecutive showers and still be a mess afterwards and not leave the bathroom. And when I do;

I'm obsessive about the entire house being clean. I keep the vacuum cleaner in the lounge because I can't handle the smallest of fluff/grass on the carpet. I will demand to know who brought it in. The grey rug in particular has to be immaculate because everything shows up on it and I find that very distracting and unbearable

As for the depot shots - it it weren't for being put on an order I wouldn't be taking any medication. It's just how I am. A pain in the arse rebel. I hate medication

[Simona]

I just want to let you both know how much I appreciate the support and kindness. Thank-you

[Simona]

I don't know what solution exists. I don't want more of their medication.

Sorry to hear you have sore back too. Mine is ok now just slight toothache is my pain. They fixed the hole but they didn't. I don't care. I'm knocking back a few tonight. Tonight I don't have problems

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona, and thanks for your update yesterday.

Today is an absolutely stunningly beautiful winters day in my part of the world. Warm, sunny, not a breath of wind, clear blue skies. I hope you are getting something similar Simona, as its a great day to get out in the sunshine for a while. I have just come in from doing some gardening outside.

Yes I figured you were struggling again recently, hence being somewhat quieter than usual. I'm sorry Simona, and I wish I could do or say something that would help.

All I can do is to reaffirm that I hear you and I support you in every way possible. Yes that may sound pretty ridiculous when its only through a computer screen. But I really hope that knowing there are people out here who care about you a great deal, helps you to feel less alone. And provides you with vital emotional support that enables you to continue on this difficult path to recovery.

How did you get along with a few drinks last night? I hope you dont suffer from hangovers! I expect the combination of meds and drinks is not ideal. But sometimes its important to break out a bit, and try to forget our troubles. I just hope that it was all worth it Simona. I occasionally do that, but generally regret it afterwards. Thinking of you Simona and sending a very caring hug.

Taurus xx