In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_9809]

Well done Simona. Your determination is very admirable. Try not to worry, tomorrow will take care of itself.

Thinking of you. And getting a bit of a giggle from your description of Bandicoot as a licquorice allsort. (-:

T xx

[Simona]

Well so far so good. Appointment went well. So I'm on a 6 month community order which means if I don't turn up for my injection I get re-admitted. The focus today has been on my present status and coping with daily triggers. Thought for the day is "To be kind to myself'. So each day I will try to do something good/nurturing for myself even if I start of with just using a little face cream/hand cream.

[Guest_9809]

That sounds good Simona. I am pleased for you that the appointment went well today.

"Be kind to yourself" is something I read so much throughout these forums. Its sometimes a little hard to determine what being kind to yourself really is though. At least it sounds like you have a few things in mind, so good on you.

How is your toothache going? I hope its eased now, and that you have been able to get in to have your teeth seen to. If not yet, then maybe its another opportunity of being kind to yourself and a bit of necessary self pampering.

It sounds as though you got through a difficult night last night with your partner away. Sorry to hear that he has a crook back and needs some massage therapy to help. I wonder too how his sore foot is going now?

I hope you have a few nice hand and face creams there with which you can indulge in some self pampering. You definitely deserve it.

I hope you can continue to see your way forward with this depot shots treatment. A 6-month community order sounds a bit irksome, but it is for your own protection, and that of your loving family. You are doing really well Simona, and sounding well also.

Hugs dear lady.

Taurus xx

[Simona]

Hello T I haven't seen the dentist yet. I will get there just not yet. Something else has come up. My lower back went out this morning. I was brushing my hair and it just zapped and I have been crippled since. It's ironic considering partner is going to his masseuse tonight and I'm semi hunched over. So depressing. He did offer to give me his appointment but I don't like people touching me like that and it's a man. I freeze up. That aside I don't think I could handle even sitting in the car. It spasms. Oh his foot has come good actually. You can still see where it was though. It got very nasty before it healed over. Now there's a black dot there.

Last night I was just having some anxiety. I'm ok at the moment but who knows later. I seem to go cuckoo at night. I will try to have some of partner's homemade soup for dinner. Not much else I can do I'm in so much bloody pain.

Thank-you for the hugs : ) they were nice and gentle

[Starwolf]

Are you feeling a little better today ?

Back pain is a crippling nuisance, not what you need right now. If something has been displaced, it will have to be put back where it should be. If it is muscle damage, any chance of finding Tiger Balm oil in you neck of the woods ?

How are you going with pampering yourself ? I hope you can extend to yourself some of the kindness you lavish on others. You sure deserve it. Like Taurus, I admire and respect you courage and determination to make difficult changes. I know how hard it can be to see in ourselves the qualities that are so obvious to others. I have often wondered what it is that makes us be so harsh on ourselves...whatever it is, it needs adjusting.

I'm glad I didn't read about your misadventure with the gas heater before switching mine on...It would have made me think about potential disaster even longer. What put an end to procrastination was the thought that I'd rather go in a heat blast than freeze to death 🙂

Sending healing thoughts your way.

[Simona]

Hello Star Partner did gently massage something similar onto my back last night which did provide some relief. I already had a hot shower today. I feel I'm able to move more but have to sit very carefully watching my posture.

Well I used a deep conditioning treatment on my hair so I'm trying to be kind. My hair is shiny and silky now and I like how it smells.

I also rang the dentist to make an appointment but no one is answering so will have to keep trying.

I really want to get better in every way. Last night I found a very good website for bulimics in recovery. It was after I purged up all my dinner. It's given me hope. I want to stop watching anorexics on youtube because I have asked myself is that the kind of attention/destruction I want and the answer is NO. I want to be healthy and have to stop this self torture. I don't know if I have already mentioned this or not but I have very low blood pressure and sometimes my heart goes 'funny'. It's mostly after I have made myself sick.

There really is something wrong with my thinking though. I liked how the nurses looked after me in the mhu. I was always co-operative and happily held out my arm. I enjoyed the attention. They always asked me if I had eaten and I liked that too. I would smile and say 'not yet' or 'a pear'.

It's like I have this need inside me to be nurtured and kissed better. I look back on all the times i s h and was attended to. Asking for a bandage when I didn't even need one or interfering with the bandage and exposing my handywork as if it were a letter declaring my inner pain. What an infant!

[monkey_magic]

Such a positive post Simona, that made me happy that you want to recover and felt cared for. Love makes us...love it.

[Starwolf]

Hi brave heart. Good to see you back on your feet and feeling proactive (insert enthusiastic air punch). Seeing anorexia for what it is (self-torture) is a big step forward. It sounds like there's a lot of soul searching going on. Great stuff !

I know what you mean by feeling the need to be nurtured and cared for. It is something those of us who have suffered some form of abuse/neglect during childhood have in common. It stops emotional maturing and leaves us stranded with a need for attention. The ways we are compelled to satisfy this craving are often questionable...but it is something the wounded mind does, a desperate attempt to fill the void and soothe the scars.

You are right, the body rebels against purging because it goes against nature. It's good to see you wanting to stop watching anorexics on YouTube. The last thing the mind needs is dwelling on negativity. It kinda keeps it anchored there and defies the purpose. Going against obsessive behaviour is no mean feat. Seeing you on the right track makes my day.

You're a legend.

[Simona]

2 days without making myself sick. Today I went out and bought myself some vitamins. Not to replace food but to assist where lacking. This will motivate me even more to keep my food down. I have been really pleased with my hair growth ( I actually have enough to 'swish') and it's looking really healthy. And next week I'm getting my teeth fixed.

Had my appointment with my mh clinician today. She's really pleased with the progress I'm making. I feel myself getting better week by week.

Today I organized the children's winter wardrobe/school uniforms. Everything neat and folded. Been really productive : $

[Guest_9809]

Simona ... what wonderful news! I am so happy to hear all that today, as you've just made my weekend.

There is nobody more deserving than you, to finally have things start to go your way.

Singing a happy song now as I listen to the rain come tumbling down outside. (-:

Taurus xx