In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Where are all my posts?

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona,

Yes, you are right, I have been away. But I have been home now since Wednesday.

I read from your post on Tuesday that you feel as though you are slowly getting better. The monthly medication injections should mean you have fewer ups and downs, and thus feel more stable longer term. Yes I know you are still having your good and bad moments, but overall you do sound better than you have done for a while.

As for wanting to run away, I think Starwolf has summed that up perfectly, so I wont go any further into that. I just reiterate all that Star said in her post to you on Wednesday. And please Simona ... believe it!

I think you were due for an appointment with your MH Clinician today. Have you been yet, or is that this afternoon? I hope it went/goes well.

I just read your post from a few minutes ago, and see that you have some posts still to come through. I hope the news is good. But I will check back in later to see.

For now, I just wanted you to know that I have returned, and I am thinking of you. A hug to you, a pat for Bandicoot and a gentle stroke for both Cupcake and Speedy.

Taurus xx

[Simona]

Great to see you T : ) I think I'm up to date on your thread too.

Thank-you for thinking of me.

Yes I had my appointment this morning. Things were explained to me. I have a complex diagnosis: The BPD, the Psychosis and Dissociative Disorder. She said not everyone with BPD requires antipsychotics. It's just that i spend more time IN psychosis than not so for me the medication is seen as a must hence the depot shots.

I was sad and frustrated to hear my psychiatrist will no longer be treating me. I'm in the public system and get shafted and passed around all the time. This guy was great. I really clicked with him. New psychiatrist is an older lady. She's got a lot of reading to do but I'm under her wing for 6 months before she too moves on. Well that's what I was told to expect.

The animals are all good. Bandicoot has a really hip looking jacket/parka. She was getting cold.

I have teeth issues. I need to get to the dentist because front tooth is aching. This is most probably due to the anorexia/bulimia. The bile is not good on enamel. It's been 2 years at least since I have been to the dentist last.

[Starwolf]

I am relieved that things have been explained to you in details. Treatment should be about teamwork, not about someone deciding what is best for you without sharing the exact reasons why. I am not surprised by the complex diagnosis... you are a complex personality.

Being passed on from one therapist to the next is unsettling. I agree...the public system often makes little sense. Sad that the last psy must move on...but he must have left insightful notes behind that can be used as solid foundation by his successor. Fingers crossed you can connect with her too.

Teeth issues are never good news. They can literally take your smile away. I hope you have this under control ?

Most of yesterday was spent putting together a gas heater that functions from 3 that didn't. I'm relieved I didn't blow the place up or asphyxiated myself and the pack. It took a while to muster the courage to switch it on...

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona. Not a problem at all to think of you! You know I think you are a lovely person and I think fondly of you every day.

I am glad your appointment went pretty well on Friday, but terribly dissappointed for you that your current psychiatrist will be moving on. All an unfortunate part of being in the public system I guess. But obviously there are some good ones out there, so hopefully your next one will be just as good. As she is an older lady its likely she is well experienced and I am sure she will do all the necessary reading in order to tuck you nice and securely under her wing. Hope so anyway.

I read on Steph's thread that you are feeling quite a lot better, and that is such good news Simona! To actually see and feel evidence that the medication is working for you must be such a relief. To no longer be experiencing paranoia or SH thoughts is a major improvement. In fact just for the volume to be turned down a little must make things so much better for you. And even better, the fact that you report that you still feel like 'yourself' is such a good outcome. It hasn't taken away all the good things that you naturally are, nor your beautiful sense of humour. This could be a major turning point for you Simona, and I am feeling really positive and hopeful on your behalf.

Ha ha, I had a laugh thinking about your little Bandicoot in her very 'hip' parka jacket. My Tammie also has a coat, but its a wooly jumper, and she too has needed it a couple of times these past few nights. It is pink and grey stripes with a bit of white, and she looks so cute in it. Although hubby laughs and teases her when she wears it because he says she is a wimp, and looks like a galah in it. The colours are just the same anyway. Anyway Tammie loves it and comes up to me to have it put on when she sees me drag it out for her. And then she is all nice and warm and snug.

Oh dear, I hope you are able to get your toothache seen to quickly. Toothache can be frightfully painful. And yes, I have heard that tooth problems are a very common problem for people who have, or have had, anorexia and bulimia. Are you able to phone up tomorrow to try to get in for an appointment?

Okay Simona, I hope you are having a nice weekend? Possibly kids sport or something yesterday? Please take care, and keep updating us as to how you are getting along. It is always a pleasure to hear from you. Big hug.

Taurus xx

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) wow I'm glad you got the heating sorted. I'm paranoid about anything to do with gas after I blew the side off a house once. The pilot light kept going out but I didn't lay off the gas did I. I had that sucker pushed in firmly. I was freezing I just wanted to get this thing up and cranking then finally it lit with this massive BANG and I thought shit. I done something bad here like REALLY bad because the house shook. The house was weatherboard. It's side was a mess. I was ok but it made me fall backwards.

My teeth...oh man I don't even want to go there. It will get fixed. It's 2 or 3 front ones. Today they didn't hurt too bad. Sometimes just breathing in makes them ache.

[Simona]

And hello to you T : $ maybe I should do my smiley like this for now.

Aww shucks ....thank-you T. With me being lovely and all. I certainly don't feel it but I won't knock you back. Yeah the medication is ok I guess just feel a little trapped like some cornered racoon because I'm forced to be on it.

And I have been drinking again and had a 3 minute warm up with Mary Jane on the front porch on Saturday night. I can't help it. I'm no saint. I need some pleasure. God it was GOOD. So have been self soothing. don't go feeling sorry for partner because he's been pretty damn happy this weekend. When I'm happy he's happy that's the way we rock 'n roll..

Bandicoot has 2 coats. A red one too. She looks like a liquorice all sort in it.

It was footy on Saturday.

The teeth issue will be attended to don't worry. I won't get them pulled like; I don't think it's that* bad and there's no movement. Teeth issues always make me feel like shit. It doesn't matter how my hair looks plus I got this new image with a beanie now so hair doesn't interest me. Can't wait to re-introduce myself to my psychologist on Tuesday. She's already been forewarned by my mh clinician to 'take it easy' because I'm a delicate child of the universe.

Thanks for the hug and everything : $

[Simona]

Not having a good night. I think I have to take the extra antipsychotics I have been prescribed. I hate feeling like it's doomsday but tonight really has an apocalyptic feel to it and it's only 7pm. And tomorrow a difficult day with my psychologist in the morning and then later at night - partner will be gone to his masseuse and that freaks me out. That I will be alone in the house with the children after dark : / It just makes me want to drive off somewhere. It's crazy but I get so scared at night

[Simona]

I don't want him to cancel his appointment on my account. His back is stuffed and he needs the pampering.

[Simona]

Well I took the other antipsychotics the ones that really knock me out.

I really don't like medication but I'm determined to keep it down. I will try not to dwell on tomorrow.