In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Hello : ) I'm home! Been gone 32 days and I'm home at last.

I was given a tour of the rehab units but I really objected. Partly I was terrified they wanted me to gain weight though the whole idea was mainly to re-socialize me. The place had a yucky old carpet smell to it too and everything about it was old and very odd to me like the naughty room with the little window..

The lady there let me use the scales so that was nice of her because the mhu kept hiding the scales from me and I was scared which number i was.

And so it was they were in no position to force me and keeping me in as an inpatient at the hospital was decided against because they didn't think it would be good for my long term mental health. I didn't like leaving my room much and grew wary of the world beyond the security doors.

I know I have a long road ahead. I have my anorexia. I need to get used to being home again. I need to learn to live without all the voices/company / life without paranoia. Bit by bit i'll get there. Right now though I feel like Dorothy from Wizard of Oz when she wakes up in her bed with a bump on her head.

And here's my putty tats Cupcake & Speedy and Bandicoot (Toto). ((BIG SMILE))

There really is no place like home...

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

Yay ! You're home at last...Transition back into the outside world sure is daunting but you have done this successfully before, haven't you ? Familiarity and love will see you through it.

I don't like the sound of those rehab units either. A naughty room with small window ? Hmm, seems to me like an outdated approach to mental health.

You are right, there's a long road ahead but kudos to you for setting your feet on that path. We humans are creatures of habit. The crutches we use (by choice or not) end up feeling normal, comfortable parts of ourselves. It reminds me of the full length mirrors that are a feature in every European horse riding arena. No matter how many time people are told they're riding off balance, to them it feels right because acquired habits is all they know. Correcting faults feels uncomfortable. It is not until they see that the instructor is right that revelation dawns and recovery can kick in.

When I got off hard drugs (I became attached to psychosis induced by hallucinogenics), I realized that I was actually getting rid of something that took away my freedom. No matter how exciting it felt, it was still an enforced state, something that took over and in which I had no choice. And that bothers a free spirit a lot 🙂

I'm with you, replacing psychosis with normality does feel tedious and of course scary. It seems to take away inspiration. But Life without it can be made exciting. It takes a lot of readjustment but I am sure you will have plenty support on the home front as well as with your mental health team.

It also takes courage and resilience of which I know you have plenty. I know how much you dislike taking medication. Not having to is of course ideal. Unfortunately, some of us cannot function normally without it. Diabetic patients need insulin, those with high blood pressure need to keep it down. Mental conditions are medical conditions. We have no choice in the cards we have been dealt but we have freedom of initiative on how we play that game.

[Simona]

Hello Star!! aha yeah I have done it too many times before hahaha. I have no bad anxiety this time around. Just feeling 'lost' and cloudy but I still have my special smile : ) I smiled a lot in the mhu actually. I hid under my hoodie and you'd think at 1st oh watch her she's suss but no. I would be smiling under my hoodie thinking of something funny like why not have meerkats at the mhu because they would cheer a lot of people up.

I just came home from safeway the fresh food people place. I was pretty overwhelmed but I just tagged along while partner pushed the trolley. I wandered away once and that annoyed him and he was getting ready to call me on my mobile. I wanted a punnet of strawberries that's all. he's making some kind of stew with beef pieces in it.

Yeah so I'm a druggo now. I get a monthly jab in the arm and I have this other antipsychotic as well which I only take if I feel an episode coming on. I like it taking it because it makes me feel pretty stoned. That's being honest

last night I had a video night and we watched the new Resident Evil movie.

Things have been good. I'm not making myself sick after eating so that's good.

Oh that naughty room at that rehab place was this white room with basic bed and mattress and it had 2 handheld plastic things to toilet in. I think you'd have to have a very very bad episode to end up in there and in any case I'm much too nice : ) I never even swore at anyone the whole time. If I got really mad I'd vent in my room at the mhu.

ok. so that was it I think for now. Great to see you Star : ) I kinda felt like I was talking to the wall or something. Nah, I know you guys have your own issues and busy lives. That's cool. I'm going to get busy too starting Monday. My mh team is waiting to see me and I'm going to mop the floor if it's not raining.

[Simona]

Oh that's odd. Where is my post?

BIRDIE

BIRDIE

BIRDIE NUM NUMS

NuM NuM BIRDIE?

maybe this will come through

[Starwolf]

Looks like your post came though...eventually. There were IT issues with the forums over the weekend. I guess things became sidetracked. Sunday, I had to show my face and show off my dogs at a "Bark in the Park" day, miles away from home. Return to my wilderness always feels good. I don't mind interacting with dogs. It is the humans at the other end of the leash who often give me the s---- !

Not making yourself sick is a major victory, an achievement to be proud of. As a matter of fact, it deserves a standing ovation.

​So relieved to read you are doing well and feeling relatively happy. Happiness is always relative isn't it...It sounds like you are becoming an expert in the art of handling the mhu...and yourself while you're in it.

The way I see it, feeling a tad stoned is better than feeling out of control and terrified 🙂

[Simona]

Well I don't know what to do. Yeah I know that sounds lame but what next? I'm medicated so this is supposed to be being 'well'. maybe not entirely but an improvement. I have been trying on my clothes since I came home because I bought a heap more while I was in the mhu so there were like 8 parcels including a box waiting for me.

This is what happens when you're sick in the mhu and you can access the internet and online banking

I'm glad school will be over soon and they will be home. today I walked around town abit and I heard someone talking to me in a real gruff manner. A man. I just said to myself keep your head down, keep walking. Don't stop or look back. Just let them carry on don't make it my business. I picked up my laybuy and came home. I have a new look now I'm trying out. I would give you a clue but someone reading this may recognize me so I won't

[Simona]

Star, Taurus ( I understand you are away) and Wilma

I just came here to say I'm thinking of you all and hope you are all ok : )

I'm slowly getting better. I have to see my mh clinician on Friday for another check-up.

I have my good moments and bad. Late this afternoon I just wanted to leave my family. I didn't have a big plan or anything. I just felt panicky and scared and partner wasn't home. The dark was coming. I just thought of dropping the children with his parents and leaving. Go where? Do what? I don't know. I'm aimless like that. Wanting to wander away. The right thing to do would be to leave them a letter but the feeling comes on so suddenly I don't think about writing anything. So I write here. Sometimes I have the urge to disappear quickly.

[Starwolf]

Hey Simona,

I'm glad you find the inner strength to come on the forums and spill your feelings in a safe space.

There are times when getting away from it all sounds very attractive indeed. But then what ? No matter where we go and what we do, we can't run away from ourselves. Every new start will end up the same old story after a while, personal history repeating itself. And then there is what we leave behind...which is often what has been sustaining us during hard times.

So quitting is not the tempting solution it appears to be. It is true that opting out of a toxic situation is the right thing to do but quitting family love and support is a different story. If they found it too difficult to have you around, THEY would have taken steps to get away. But your whole thread makes it obvious that they've been doing all they can to keep you around and help ousting the demons that have been haunting you. Because they love you.

Because they see the same thing we BB outsiders do...a huge potential. Someone who is talented, strong, honest, intelligent, stimulating company and who has a heart of gold. And they would do whatever they can so that those qualities can be expressed and put to creative use in mainstream life.

I understand that psychosis takes over to such extent that it feels like a part of us. The truth is it is like a tumour that must come out because it spreads toxicity to every other area. It is an alien invader that has made itself at home and stops its host from functioning in everyday reality.

And you, Simona have a lot to offer, a contribution to make. If there were more people like you, the world would be a better place.

[Simona]

Well I have been opening up and talking about it so my mum and partner knows. They have both been really good about it. They said the same thing; been out of the mhu not even a week so it's still very early days. Also still very early days for the medication to fully kick in.

(The medication can go to hell btw. I hate it. I resent it being forced into my body. It's like a parasite in my system changing my mind/personality slowly and turning me into a salivating durrr head. It's for schizophrenics - I'm not a schizophrenic - I'm BPD with psychotic features and some Dissociation Disorder)

I just had to get that off my chest : / however I did destroy my pc yesterday with my right fist which is why I'm using partner's pc or my samsung. The rage thing is still there. He doesn't know I did it and I watched him poking around with it trying to resurrect it . His perseverance made me frown as I watched him. I never had that kind of patience. I told him it just carked it because it was a piece of crap. Simple. He said it's ok honey you can use mine. He's so nice like that like really gracious. I am humbled.

Like every other day I wake up manic. This I like. The house is organized and spotless by 11am so I start on the stove or hunt around for fingerprints. Today I unpacked my entire wardrobe and refolded it very neatly so the edges matched. Next I burnt a lot of personal papers from the hospital's ED. Then I bopped around with my ipod nano before going into town to walk around/try on clothes etc. I did sit down for 20 minutes in a café and that was almost painful. Seems I can't sit still much and I'm really worried about mum again who is getting into a lot of accidents. Mum.

Mum fell out of the bus this week : ( This is the 2nd time. Her knees gave out. Now i'm trying very hard not to fixate and get really unstable but I started listening to Mozart's Lacrimosa and the like and I asked my partner what is going to happen to ME in the end? You only have 1 mum. Like what's WRONG with her???? I don't know how I'm supposed to just carry on and live without her. I refuse to dammit. I'm not ready and it's scary. It makes me drum the steering wheel nervously. It makes me say the bad word really angry when I'm alone.

[Simona]

I have BPD and Dissociative Disorder. I don't think it's fair these enforced injections. In half an hr I will bring this up to my mh clinician . I mean just how many people with BPD have to stay on antipsychotics indefinitely like I have been told ? I'm on this stuff that's intended for schizophrenics.