In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Thank-you all for all the nice things written. I missed you guys but when I feel really unwell I don't come online

[Guest_9809]

Yes Simona, I realise that when you are not well you are not online. And its okay. I'm very pleased to hear from you today though, so thanks so much for the update.

Well done on it now being a month since you last purged! That is quite a milestone, and I'm pleased for you.

Damn! That OCD is a pain isnt it? I wish they could do more for you with that, as it really is a torment to those of us who suffer it. Cant they change your meds a bit to help a bit? Other than that, I hope your coping methods are standing up to the task.

It will be good news if the psychiatrist agrees to a reduction in your depot shot dosages. With luck and careful juggling, it wont affect you as adversely this time as what it has previously. But at the same time lets hope that it still retains the many benefits which you continue to get from having the meds.

Great to hear from you Simona and, if my prayors and well wishes mean anything, you'll soon be on a sure path to happiness again.

So ... until next time you are feeling well enough to join us again ................ sending an affectionate hug to you.

Kindest,

Taurus xx

[Wilma1]

Hi Simona, good to hear from you. I hope you can reduce your depot shots.

I don't know if this is helpful but there is an ARC vic ( anxiety recovery centre) they might have some info on OCD that might be a bit helpful. I only have a small dose of it and that's bad enough, so things must be awful for you.

Hope the kids are doing ok. Take care as best you can. I think of you often. W

[Simona]

Hello T : ) when I see my psychiatrist next I will ask about a certain medication I have heard of in regards to treating my ocd. I can't go on like this indefinitely. It's so draining and tormenting. It consumes me Thank you for your prayers and well wishes. I'm behaving and hanging in there. It's just this depot thing is really depressing me. I asked my mh clinician what would happen if I didn't turn up for it on Friday. Because I told her lately I have been feeling like packing a backpack and running away from the injection. She smiled and said to me 'I hope you'd let me know'. I told her: YES. I WOULD. I WOULD SEND YOU A LETTER FROM SOMEPLACE. She continued on and said : 'If you don't turn up for your injection we would have to organize a meeting'. And she smiled again.

That for me means another tribunal hearing except ideally I wouldn't be there.

I don't know where I'd be. I'm very vague like that. And quite frankly it's winter and I feel the cold very much. I don't really want to run away but if they make me....well I just don't know. My partner is on edge tonight after I told him I want to get off the depot. He's got this tone in his voice I don't like. I told him not to worry but he held me by the shoulders so I had to listen to a speech about what I did last two times while off the medication.

They were accidents I told him

[Simona]

Well hello W : ) yeah thanx for that tip i'll look into it.

I don't want to be on anything but if they want to start making me feel better then they need to reduce my antipsychotic asap. I don't want to have to wait a month. A month is a very long time for me. My life is at stake here. Today has been a long day. Great to hear from you too. I'm listening to the saint-sulpice organ playing Wagner's funeral March. It's from the heavens

[Starwolf]

Hi dear Simona...so good to read from you !

I hope solutions can be found, compromises reached without the need for drastic measures on either side. The depot shots are not the only thing that would be left behind. I know how close your family is to your heart. How could that void ever be filled if you ran away ?

I agree, feeling chilled to the bone sure doesn't help. It has been a bitter winter here in the mountains. Clear, sunny days have been ruined by a savage wind chill. But wattles are in full bloom and days are getting longer...hopefully warmer soon. Hope is in the air...

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) I'm trying to be calm about the whole situation. I was up feeling manic last night then had back to back nightmares. In one dream I was a ghost and came back to visit my family. I overheard them talking about me in the past tense. I don't really want to leave. Of course I love my family I just get scared/panicky. I don't trust this medication long term.

I'm thinking of calling my mh clinician tomorrow and just telling her outright I can't do this anymore. I just want another chance

[Starwolf]

Remaining calm is the best approach. Kudos for being being brave. Please keep in mind that dreams and nightmares are only projections of what is on our mind at the time.

I hope putting your head together with your clinician's can be helpful. She knows your history which has involved both being medicated and going med free. She knows how distressful both have been for you so is aware of the pros and cons. You have been talking about reducing your APs. Discussing it with her is a good idea. Compromise is better than all out war...

[Simona]

I have spoken to someone today and they are clearly not happy. I just want this out of me. I feel it is poison and I don't want more injected into me. Tomorrow I go in to see them so will update. I'm happy to go in for a chat but that's all. I'm going in to talk

[Guest_9809]

Good on you Simona, I'm pleased you have agreed to go in and talk with your team. Please just remember that they really do want what is best for you, and your loving family.

I look forward to hearing your update tomorrow. Wishing you luck!

Taurus xx