In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona. Its just over a week since we last heard from you, and I have been thinking about you.

I realise it is school holidays right now, so I expect that you have been keeping busy with kids activities. With luck, this additional distraction is helping with your OCD. I understand that the horrible thoughts associated with OCD can be highly distressing and downright scarey at times. Hopefully you continue to find comfort through your prayors.

I just want you to remember that we are here whenever you find time, and have the desire, to check back in for a chat sometime.

Happy thoughts for you, and a big hug.

Taurus xx

[Simona]

Hello Taurus & Star and Wilma

I'm still pre-occupied with the ocd thing but have had a few wins along the way.

I'm now a recovering bulimic. It's been 2 weeks I think since I done it last.

My tooth is going to be ok. I was going to have it re checked this Thursday but cancelled. I will have it seen to after the school holidays. I don't have pain rather more slightly 'sensitive' to cold water now. Seems to have improved alot thankfully.

I'm back down to 1 shower a day. I still obsessively groom though. I have had to cut my hair shorter because I was stressing it. It's ok. I have my beanies : )

I check out OCD on Youtube. I found a channel where this guy hypnotises you except the stupid internet was running slow again and stalled midway through. First reaction was to slam the pc into the wall but I didn't. I just exhaled and mouthed a vulgar word instead.

My anorexia is stable. I haven't gained any weight since my discharge. This was a worry to me initially because even though my depot medication is weight neutral I still worried about the small chance of weight gain.

I say more sorries now. I threw a plate and like a Frisbee it sailed from the kitchen into the bedroom where it just missed partner who was sitting in his corner office doing sums for work. That was just an incident and not on purpose. It wasn't supposed to go that far. I said sorry.

I met my new psychiatrist this week. I gave her a quick wrap of things, of how I'm travelling. I told her the only reason I'm on medication is because it's enforced. I told my mh clinician this last week too. I think she's going to make sure I'm sat down in front of the tribunal and given another 6 months as soon as this one elapses but I have other plans. This is my life. I should not be forced to live it medicated. Yes, it muffles the voices and keeps the psychosis at bay but I feel like all I do is exist now. In a world without colour and no sex drive.

Thank-you for checking in on me. I'm ok. The school holidays are keeping me busy and off the pc. Had some really nice sunny but chilly days here. Partner is currently seeking assistance regarding being my carer or something. I think this is more for when I'm gone to hospital and he's left with the children.

[Wilma1]

Simona, you are doing soooo well. I'm just popping my head in just in case you need to share my candle, the one you gave me. I'm sitting in the scent and wanted to share it with you, only if you need it. That's all I have to say. Great shot with the plate. W

[Guest_9809]

Morning Simona, and thanks for the update. I realise you are busy with it being school holidays.

Really happy to hear about those few hard-earned wins you've had over the past few days. Well done, you are doing really well.

Brief for now as I am heading off soon with hubby for some medical tests he needs done. Talk again soon.

Love to you.

Taurus xx

[Starwolf]

Always good to read updates. It started my day with a smile...kudos for those victories. 2 weeks can be a long time for a recovering bulimic and 1 shower a day sounds a lot more manageable. That's what I call true grit !

I hope you will be able to develop a good working relationship with your new psy. It's a shame you have to keep switching from one therapist to the next and start all over again every time. I guess it's a matter of making the best of whatever the system has to offer.

I'm wondering if some of the colour and sex drive will return as body and mind learn to cope with the med ?

Isn't it good that sunshine made a timely return for school holidays ? Fingers crossed it will stick around for whatever little time is left of them...not sure how long where you are.

Take care, Simona and keep up the good work.

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona, I've just been thinking of you and thought I'd send a quick post through to you.

I realise you have been busy with it being school holidays, and I hope that has all gone well with lots of time spent with the kids doing fun things. I think school is back this week, so you are going to be having more time to yourself again from now on.

Last time you posted, you'd had a few hard earned and much deserved victories. I hope you are continuing to do well. Just wanted you to know we are hear to listen whenever you are ready to come back and update us.

I know there is little we can do from here, but we can definitely offer you understanding and support around what you are currently experiencing. My own OCD has spiked again this past week too, so we can perhaps compare notes?

Kindest thoughts.

Taurus xx

[Guest_9809]

Hello Simona. Its a week since I last posted to you, and it appears you've not been on here for well over a week.

I know from the past, that this is usually an indication that things are really difficult for you again. So I am concerned for you Simona.

I expect that with school having gone back a week or two ago, that it may have coincided with a bit of a set back for you. Plus I think you might have been due for your next depot shot recently.

I would really love to hear from you again soon Simona, just to reassure myself that you are okay. I know Star will be thinking of you also, and if she were here she would be offering her usual sound, practical and encouraging advice to you. Star is likely to be on the Forums a bit less for a while as she is really busy at present. But I am sure she will drop by to say hi again when she has the opportunity.

I hope Buttercup, Speedy and Bandicoot continue to be your endearing companions, and bringing some light and laughter into your life.

Have you had any further victories that you would like to tell us about Simona? I'd love to hear of them. But I am also very happy to listen to you have a bit of a vent, if thats what you need to do. You may find it helpful to get it all out through self expression here on the Forums.

Sending you a very caring and concerned hug Simona.

Taurus xx

[Starwolf]

Taking time out is sometimes the best way we can take care of ourselves.

No need to reply but if you read this, I want you to know you are in my thoughts. Sending a long, heartfelt hug your way.

[Wilma1]

Simona, sending warm wishes. Thinking of you. W

[Simona]

Hello. I am ok. It's been over a month since I purged last but I remain anorexic and am at my lowest which pleases me.

the ocd is ruling my life. Not much has changed there

The depot injection: I'm due for it this Friday and I want off it so badly. There has been talk of maybe decreasing the dosage (I'm on maximum). I have to get my psychiatrist's approval first and have to wait to see her. This is frustrating me

I'm still under the care of my mh team.

I really don't want to turn up on Friday. This shit is poison