In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_5218]

Thankyou Simona, I thought you would understand all that, and also that sometimes I am at a loss for words.

So your new profile photo is very appropriate then. I find it makes me feel good to look at it. I hope it does the same for you.

Ah huh, yes I remember when you cut your hair with the blunt sissors. Yes I am looking forward to some more beautiful spring weather, the past two days here have been beautiful. Although I believe we have some possibly cold and wet weather coming through for the weekend. Better make the most of the good weather tomorrow then.

Oh, I didnt realise that your Mum lives so far away. I'm sorry your son is not living with you any more, and that he seems such a long way away. I also know that you and your son were very close, and that he 'got' you most of the time. It will be very hard to adjust to him not being at home now. Has he still at school, studying, or is he looking to find work?

It must be nice to be on your new friend's prayer list. Have you noticed if it has been any help to you yet? (-:

You spoke some time ago about whether talking to a priest or church minister would be good for you or not. Have you given any further thought to that idea? You could also possibly meet other nice people through the church. I am not a religious person Simona, so I am not suggesting you should go to the Church. But I do know that for some people, the church and their religious faith is a very important support to them and is of great comfort in difficult times.

You're right Simona, I do care about you .. and I want you to get well again. I want you to be happy, to feel safe and to have some respite from the torment of your illness.

I hope you sleep well tonight Simona and that tomorrow goes well when meeting with your case worker.

Holly, with her big ears, says good night to you also. She is currently looking for a warm bed in which to sleep, and is not happy that I am not obliging. She is a funny little girl, as I know is your Bandicoot.

Good night, and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

Sometimes Life moves so fast that it is hard to catch up...it leaves us confused and bewildered. I'm glad you're now back home and not surprised it needs readjusting, particularly now that your son has moved out. Thank Heavens for phones and computers, though it can never be the same as physical presence. But that's what our kids do, they eventually leave the nest to try out their wings. And yes, it leaves parents with a sense of emptiness. It is a huge transition. But you have done a great job of bringing him up in spite of personal difficulties. A superb young man has been released into the world. Well done, you must be very proud of yourself.

Your understanding of what is going on is a terrific asset. So is being on someone's prayer list. If medication keeps distortion at bay, so be it. This is an imperfect world and we must do the best we can, sometimes in far from ideal conditions. Please remember that all of us are God's creatures (whatever God means to us). So you were given this life because you are strong and brave enough to live it. It's OK to have doubts though and sometimes feel inadequate. I think we all do but some of us chose to hide it.

Love the new profile pic...a great reminder to be in the moment and trust, soak in and enjoy.

Sending much love to you.

[Simona]

Why am i being prosecuted? Why am i being silenced? I have noone here with me.im alone inba small room. Do you know what feels like?, since Sunday i have been in here.

[Guest_5218]

Morning Simona. Are you still at home, or are you back in the MHU? I cant tell from your post.

One thing I can guess however is that you are not being persecuted nor silenced. Your illness is doing that to you.

I am sorry you are feeling alone. I am here for you though if you need to talk anytime, so please let me know. I know there is little I can do, but if knowing someone is here when needed, then so be it ... I'm here!

Today is Monday Simona, so that means you've been alone in your room since yesterday. Unlike you it seems, I like time to myself, and it doesnt bother me. But we are all so different arent we? I hope all your children are well, and your hubby.

Hugs to you Simona.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Oh sherie! I have been confined since saturday arvo when the ambulance brought me here but i have made friends with security guy. Im confused alot but me telling people im actually an angel has made them suspect and frightened of me. Its not fair. I can choose to be whoever and whatever. Its my choice. I hurt and threatened noone. Security took me to the cafe and now i have an almond milk cappuccino. Litlle happy - im at a hospital

[Simona]

I have been listening to my fave songs and playing shadow puppets. That old Angel song by cliff richard is so cool they are tranferring me back to see my friends in the mhu. I dont know how my family is. I think my partner has enough of me being an angel

[Guest_5218]

Oh Simona I didnt know you were back in the MHU. I am sorry. Gosh you've had such a bad run havent you?

I am glad that you are making some friends though. They would be extremely lucky to have you as their friend. The lady that you met last time you were there .. is she still there, or has she gone home and not come back?

If it makes you happy to be something in your own mind, then so be it. I see no problem in that if it is a comfort to you. But naturally the MH guru's will take it as a sign that you are not feeling well. Hence everyone's concern. They need to know that you know the difference between reality and make believe or illusions.

Your partner is plainly concerned for you. He wants only what is best for you, and to have his wonderful and much loved 'Simona' back again. As would your children, who need their Mum. You may well be an angel in every sense of the word Simona, in fact to many people you probably are. Your children, your partner, and to many of us here as well.

I wish you a speedy recovery Simona. I am happy that you are able to get down for a cappuccino at the Cafe, and that you have people in the mhu who you consider friends.

My thoughts are with you, always.

Much love.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Oh how you make me smile Sherie : )

I know i tire my partner but i love him so much. He can be boring and grumpy from working very hard but hes kind and loves me because we are affectionate everyday and he cried saturday because he said he cant take me home because im so unwell. He makes me feel like icecream cake under the november sun. He melts* me.

[Guest_5218]

Aww gee Simona, thats beautiful how you think of your partner. Just gorgeous. And I also love the way you describe yourself as icecream cake melting under the November sun.

You are so creative and expressive. I so wish I was more like you. I seem (at least to myself) to be so boring and lacking in imagination compared to many others here.

Anyway, if I have made you smile, then I am happy.

Does your partner manage to get in to see you most days while you are in the mhu? It sounds as though he works very hard, and he will have the kids to take care of too now that you're away. So it may be difficult for him to see you as much as he'd like to. I feel sure though that he does the best he can.

I hope you are enjoying the company of some of the other people there in the mhu. And that it helps you to pass the time more quickly than it otherwise would.

Much love and best wishes to you.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

I am here to officially confirm im no longer an angel and gearing up to go home asap. Im back to normal. Yes. Its a kind of magic.