In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎17-08-2016

And yes I did find a nice friendly person so we exchanged details. I'm being prayed for now. I'm on this person's prayer list.

Simona · ‎18-08-2016

My son's bedroom is now a museum. I have no coffee friend now and no-one to go to the art gallery with. I feel I may as well start conversing with myself or pretend he's still with me

Guest_5218 · ‎18-08-2016

Morning Simona. I am sorry to hear that your son has moved to your Mums whilst you were in the MHU. Have you spoken to him or seen him since you've arrived home? Perhaps he plans on coming back home again. But even if he doesnt come home, can you still talk to him via email or telephone.

I hope that the increased medication helps you to get through this particularly tough time. I imagine you are upset about the prospect of being on the medication indefinitely. But perhaps when your medical team decide that you are stable again, then they may be able to reduce the dosage to a level more acceptable to you.

I'm pleased to hear that everyone has been really kind to you and that you had a friend in the MHU. Are you able to see that friend now that you are out?

I too wish that you had a brain that felt comfortable for you to live with. Of course its scary for you, there is so much about the brain that even experts in the field know very little about. The unknown is always a scary prospect. But it can also be a bit of an adventure. You're a brave soul Simona, you can get through this, just as you have always done. With the help of the medication now, you have a far greater chance of preventing yourself from going back to that dark place your mind sometimes inhabits.

Much love to you Simona. And if you need someone to talk to, I am here pretty regularly.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎18-08-2016

Hello Sherie I'm so sad he is gone from me. My mum asked me to dig up his birth certificate for the centrelink. Today i feel hollow and dreamy. The friend i found in the mhu lives too far from me. I will type some more later because i cant think well at this moment

Guest_5218 · ‎18-08-2016

I know you are sad Simona, and its totally understandable. All Mums are sad when their first son leaves home to make their own way in the world. But they all do it at some stage. Of course it doesnt make it any easier for you though does it?

But try to remember that your son is not lost to you, he is not gone. He is still there, he still loves you, and he will still want to spend time with you. He will definitely be missing his Mum, probably as much as what you are missing him. It is all a part of children growing up and moving out of home, and parents needing to let them go.

What a shame that your new friend from the MHU lives too far from you. Was this the one who has you in her prayors? Thats nice. Perhaps when you are both feeling a little better you may be able to meet up somewhere in the middle. Are buses or trains an option from your place to hers? Perhaps your hubby can drive you on the weekend and you can meet up with your friend then?

I look forward to talking again later, when you're feeling better. I hope Bandicoot is keeping you company.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎18-08-2016

Row row row your boat gently down the stream

Merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream.

That is how I feel Sherie. In my mind's eye I sit with my children in a little row boat drifting along the most beautiful stream. And we are safe forever and ever. Tomorrow I have to check in with my case worker and I want to see her so much. I'm happy to be home but I don't feel right.

Guest_5218 · ‎18-08-2016

What a lovely picture for your minds eye Simona. To be happy and safe forever and ever would be everyones ideal dream.

Does your case worker come to you or do you need to go to her? I hope it goes well for you, and that you may be able to work out why you dont feel quite right.

Thinking of you Simona ........ always. Hugs to you.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎18-08-2016

Oh I have to drive to see her but I don't mind. I like listening to my classical cd which my partner detests. I know I don't feel right because 1. The medication is still in it's early days 2. All of a sudden I'm home again and trying to find my ground 3. My eldest baby is gone and I didn't even get to see him before he left. No tender kiss on cheek no hug. I feel so lost - and lost unto myself at that. I sat in a café today and just stared into the milky foam of my cappuccino. I'm scared of losing my babies so much. I'm scared of my son being devoured by a violent dangerous world. He gave me his Elwood hoodie before I was admitted back into the mhu. I only washed it today. It felt good to be able to smell him still but I can't bring myself to strip his bed.

Guest_5218 · ‎18-08-2016

Hi Simona, it sounds like you have a good understanding of why you are feeling the way you are. And thats a good thing. How old is your next child? How far away does your Mum live and is there any way that you can get over there to see your son soon?

How a lovely profile picture you have there Simona! Is this you? And if it isnt you, what made you choose it? Certainly I love the feel of it and the aura it gives out.

I understand you holding off on washing your sons hoodie. (-: Something of him to hold onto for a while.

I'm here for you Simona and will check back in with you later.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎18-08-2016

My 2nd son is 11 and my daughter is 8. Eldest son is 4 hours away. Once I'm better I would like to visit. I'm not feeling stable enough just yet. My new profile picture is a screen shot of Justine from the movie Melancholia by Lars Von Trier. I have the soundtrack on my Ipod and I listen to it when I'm acutely sad. There is a vague physical likeness between me and Justine ( I have petite pixie features and small boned ) but I'm a brunette with short messy boy hair however it suits. I chose the picture because I relate. And with Spring not far - well, I just want to be amongst God's little creatures and feel the caress of the sun. I know you are here for me Sherie. I don't expect you to have words for me all of the time. I know you read me and I know you care.