In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Simona · ‎05-07-2016

Hello Star. I want to smile but I can't. I already had 2 showers and last one I just stood under hot water crying and didn't want to come out. I felt like a bad thing was in me. I felt like ants were crawling on me. Like I'm actually rotting from the inside out and only I know this. So I came out of the bathroom and asked partner to drop me off at the railway station. I just wanted to get out of here but I don't think he understood just how badly. I didn't have a plan I just wanted to get on a train. Partner said there is no train so i said I will walk then but it's 10 k's of dark and dangerous road into town. Semi trailers. So it's not like i'm crazy. I thought about it and decided it's too dangerous so here i am. I'm ok and calmed down now but my eyes look really sad and red now. My caseworker was here today. She is finished up with me and is satisfied the children are well and safe. She made me sign a lot of important papers. But I could not meet that mental health worker because she was too busy. Thank-you for thinking of me. I'm ok. Just waiting for Saturday (last day of treatment). I hope maybe everything will settle down after that because I'm really tired.

Starwolf · ‎06-07-2016

Hey Simona,

So it has been decided that the children are safe...I'm glad this has been sorted out at last. Slowly but surely, more issues are taken out of this complicated equation.

I'm glad you decided against your night walk escapade...things can be pretty unsafe out there in the dark.

What you had to say about feeling a bad thing lurking inside you sounds oddly familiar. My schizo flatmate used to talk a lot about this. His rational self knew it was the psychosis at work but on bad days, it felt so real to him that the urge to do something about it became very tempting.

What I perceive inside you is courage, loving care for your family, creativity, fighting spirit and the quirkiness that endears you to us all...and yes, there is that dark illusion trying to rattle the harmony but it has no reality, no substance whatsoever.

I can understand how tired you are of feeling exhausted. Roll on Saturday ! Well done for sticking with the treatment...quite an achievement, I reckon.

Simona · ‎14-07-2016

i wish I wasn't scared or paranoid about medicines and hospitals. it's been 3 weeks since I spoke to my psyche nurse. I miss her. it's because I have been feeling too unwell in the head. she would have probably pleaded with me to take the pills which I can't anyway. I don't want to distress people so I become mute and distant. my ocd is very bad still. it makes me have scary thoughts about my eyes and what is under my skin and I have to put my 2 open palms on my face and breathe through it asking God to make it stop. it makes me think ending my life which makes me feel very ashamed.

Guest_5218 · ‎14-07-2016

Hi Simona. I am sorry that you have not been feeling well.

I think you would have completed your blood treatment last weekend, is that right? Have you had any results from any tests to check that the treatment has done what was intended?

I hope that with the other treatment now completed a number of days ago, that you will soon start to feel better.

Sorry to hear that your OCD has been quite bad. I also suffer from ocd, but only in a relatively mild form. But I can imagine how bad it must feel for you.

I feel for you Simona, and really hope that very soon you will get some respite from the torment you have been experiencing for way too long. Your family want you well again Simona. Have your kids been on school holidays the past couple of weeks? Your friends here on BB also want to see you back to your usual cheerful, inspiring, extremely talented, highly intelligent and very witty self.

You've done well by sticking with the blood disorder treatment Simona, I feel very proud of you for that. Because I know how hard that has been for you. Now the next step ......... get back to the Simona we all know and admire. Very kind and encouraging hugs to you Simona.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎14-07-2016

hello Sherie. it 's so bad most nights. i have on average 3 showers a night so that is a lot of hot water. i have repetitive frantic movements and i get even more distressed and agitated if someone disturbs me/touches me. yes. the treatment ended last saturday. I won't know if it worked until october that's when my big test is. I was on some hard medication and I think my body will be in recovery for a while. i have been trying to eat more which is tricky when the other me is telling me to starve myself (anorexia). foods like salmon and a little cheese. I'm trying to grow my hair again and just be 'kind' to my body. this is difficult because when i get in a state i turn on myself within seconds whether alone or not. i forget myself in frenzy. the school holidays have finished last week. there was only 1 bad day if memory serves me well: i did the responsible thing and rang partner. Thank you for the kind things you say to me. and for the hugs. sorry to hear you have the ocd too. i have been watching youtube tutorials on managing ocd amongst other things.

i want to be whole. i want to be at peace so much

Starwolf · ‎15-07-2016

Hey Simona,

My heart goes out to you. I guess recovery never comes soon enough...you have been/still are under enormous strain physically, mentally and emotionally. It's still early days, though it must feel like a lifetime. I am impressed by your courage and resilience, your determination to get better. Kudos to you for taking care of yourself the best you can under the circumstances.Your body needs all the TLC and nutrition it can get to detox and continue to serve you well.

Compulsion is a tyrant. It takes a lot of grit to overcome it. You are doing well and working hard at it so I am confident the situation will ease gradually. I agree, the return of peace of mind after chaotic times is a welcome gift. It is my wish for you.

But see...in spite of the turmoil, you still manage to do the responsible thing when you feel things are getting out of hand. It means you are still in control of whatever is happening...even if you have to call on someone else to take charge. We all do sometimes. Being able to do this shows clear awareness of what is going on and also of your own limitations.

Half this winter is now behind us. Something to celebrate. It has been very harsh here in the mountains and I can't wait for longer, warmer days. Sunless weeks give me withdrawal symptoms. Being a tropical bum at heart doesn't help. I know you don't like winter much either. I hope you'll take heart in the fact that the countdown to Spring has now begun. You should feel more yourself by then and recovered enough to make the most of it.

I wish I could do more to cheer you up but a heart-felt cyber hug will have to do.

Simona · ‎16-07-2016

Hullo Star : ) thank-you for the cyber hug. You are very kind to me also and for that I'm grateful. I'm not too good with words tonight so i will wait until I'm better. I'm agitated i can't make this work. I have tried to type up a post but it was scrambled eggs

Simona · ‎16-07-2016

I wanted to tell you about my feelings and the day i had.

Guest_5218 · ‎16-07-2016

Thats okay Simona. Come back to us when you are feeling a little less 'scrambled', and when your words come easier to you. I know you are doing it tough right now, and I'm really sorry to hear that. I do hope that soon things will start to get better for you.

I'm glad that you tried to post a reply. But until you are able to get back to us again, I am sending you a big hug because I really care for you Simona. I've missed seeing you around.

Please be kind to yourself, and take care.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎17-07-2016

Well I get confused. Sometimes it's all backwards. It's not easy to explain. Trying to join words and making sense is not easy at times and so am lost. It's mainly a night time hocus pocus but it happens in the day too. Today was a nice day so far. I walked by the river with my family and the sun was warm on my face. A cockatoo flew high over us making a screeching sound so I imitated and screamed my loudest scream. This surprised them and they smiled. This in turn made me feel giddy happy. I haven't felt happy for a long time. I miss making people laugh. I will try to say what I can now because it's only 3pm. Yesterday I went to the art gallery and I also got a compliment from a person in town. You're looking well today! So I don't understand why last night I was muddled. It just doesn't make sense. I thought from the compliment I must be having a good day. Thank-you Sherie for big hug: ) yes I will take care. I don't want to go away you know that. At times I desperately want to go to them at the hospital but I freeze because their help is also my poison. So it's another thing that makes no sense. I told partner last night maybe I should go to the church for help because maybe that's where local people like me go. Because I feel I need protection. He said it's so hard for him to watch me so I told him how very sorry I am.