In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_5218]

Ohh Simona, I do so feel for you. These times must be so very hard for you.

And yet today was a good day for you. That is very good news.

You made me laugh too when I read your story about the cockatoo flying overhead screeching. I could just picture you screaming in answer to that cockatoo! Its good that your family smiled, they must have seen the 'old you' back again. It has been a long time since you've been happy, hasnt it? Since the start of your blood disorder medication I think. At least that is all over and done with! Thank goodness.

It does warm the heart doesnt it, when we are able to make others laugh? Whether that be family, friends or just passers by, its still a nice feeling. And you have such a quick wit and are so clever Simona, so you are very good at doing this. Dont worry, it sounds as though you are starting to show signs of getting back to yourself.

That was nice about the compliment that you received from the person in the art gallery. See ... proof that you are getting your true self back again! More good news.

It sounds as though you are having a bit of a tug-of-war with your thoughts though Simona. You say that sometimes you feel the need to go to the hospital for help, and yet you see their help as poison. If you ever feel you need their help Simona, you should go to the hospital. They only want what is best for you and they will take good care of you if you need their help.

Are you a religious person Simona, I dont recall you mentioning the Church before? I'm not, so I really cant advise you on that. But certainly I know many people gain great inner peace from the Church, and it can be of great help to people to talk to their priest/minister/whatever. No different really to talking to your therapist in a way. So yes, why not give it a try if you ever need someone to talk to or somewhere to seek protection. I am sure you could get that from the Church.

When you walked by the river today with your family, did you take Bandicoot as well? Holly says hi to you both.

I have to go now, but its been nice chatting tonight Simona. Seek help if you need it. Talk again soon.

With love,

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

So nice to see glimpses of the real Simona 's return ! I understand how frustrating it is for you to have them vanish again. A bit like trying to hold on to sand slipping through your fingers. But it is a start and hopefully, those happy moments will stay with you longer and return more often.

I agree that there's nothing like a balmy day to make us feel instantly better...Nature at its best has great healing power.

It's been some time since you mentioned visiting the art gallery. I take it as another good sign that you have started frequenting those favourite places again.

When you feel muddled or vulnerable, turning to anything that makes you feel safe is a good idea. The Church may be worth a try if that's the way you feel about it. It has always been a source of comfort for many people...You won't know if it helps you too until you give it a go. Whether it can replace medication is another question that only you can answer.

Simona, perhaps you are not feeling at your best when you read this but I want you to know that your last post made my day. So a big thank you for sharing this happy breakthrough, even if it was short-lived. There's new hope on the horizon and I'm very happy for you.

[Simona]

They are making me go into hospital again. Im feeling just fine. This is an appaling waste of resources and i refuse to be medicated. It is my human right

[Simona]

Iam absolutely disgusted

[Guest_5218]

Oh Simona I am sorry its come down to another hospital visit. Certainly not what any of us wanted is it?

However, I would suggest you try to 'go with the flow'. By objecting too strongly it will probably only reinforce their notion that you would benefit from hospitalisation.

What is it that they wish to do - does it have to be medication, or do they give you any alternative options? Last time I think you enjoyed meeting up with some of the other patients, so perhaps it will be a nice little period of respite for you. A place where you can continue to rebuild your energy and strength after being so unwell since the blood treatment. And hopefully you can meet some other nice people there as well?

I'm sorry you feel as though your human rights are being ignored, and this should be discussed with your treating medical providers.

This is a very disappointing development, especially since you were starting to show some improvement.

My thoughts are with you Simona. Please keep us all informed as to whats happening, if you're able to.

Hugs and love to you.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Im back in the mhu. i want to go home asap

[Simona]

They didnt accept my offer of talk therapy. I just wanted to talk things through you know?

[Simona]

They are starting me on medication tonight i just want to go home I dont belong here its a mistake im not that sick at all

[Guest_5218]

I'm really sorry Simona. Try to remain strong, okay? You will bounce back, I know it. I will be thinking of you.

Hugs and the kindest thoughts to you.

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

I'm wondering what made them decide you need to be hospitalized again. Who are "they" ? Family or your medical team ? What do you think triggered the decision ? There must have been some concern re your safety or well being. I hope some explanation was given. If it was, did it make sense to you ? On the bright side, they will be able to monitor carefully how medication is affecting you and perhaps work out what can be done about unwelcome side effects. Perhaps something can be sorted out this time that can improve your long term lifestyle. It's normally the idea.

This is of course a disappointing development, not the change of space you were after. But you've been there and done that before. You even managed to meet people you could relate to and enjoy the company. Fingers crossed it will be yet another short spell and you'll be able to connect again with other patients while you're there. Perhaps you know some of them already ?

Here to chat whenever you feel like it.