In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎13-06-2016

The paranoia. I don't know what to do. I have medication to prevent the paranoia but I'm too paranoid to submit. I don't think my psych nurse knows the depths of my paranoia. And to top things off a BEE stung me in the throat today. So that is making things worse because it's no longer paranoia it's a SIGN. I believe it's a sign to SHUT UP and not talk so much and/or reveal too much. I see my psych nurse tomorrow and I can just picture her face. She insisted and insisted but I still can't trust in the medication. I lost her card too.

Hello Kazzl : ) Thank-you for your caring. I was mostly at peace. I watched Pet Sematary last night. Something bad did happened 2 nights ago but I'm okay. I just got a little angry that's all. Instead of smashing/throwing things I just vocalized and hurt myself just a little but I wasn't aware at the time so it was a reflex action and not really a conscious act of self harm so it shouldn't count as self harm more like just a hiccup. I didn't find lots of good bargains. I'm trying not to buy more stuff because my wardrobe is obscene and everything is just stuffed in there. And it collapses and falls out in a pile most still with tags. And my drawers are like that too except they are hard to pull out/close and they jam. I should visit the Salvos very soon and donate again

Simona · ‎13-06-2016

Just to clarify. It stung me ON the throat not in it. That was just a typo ok. The swelling has gone down. I really don't understand why bees have it in for me. For well over a decade now and to think I actually had an image of one in my head last week as I drove home and I thought 'Wow. That's some cool looking bee! Would make a very unique tattoo.'

except I don't collect tattoos. The image was of a mechanical disjointed bee. And to think this happened to me today - on the throat of all places. I'm going to bed soon. This is not a good night

Starwolf · ‎14-06-2016

Hi Simona,

I once read a scientific paper stating that bees are reactive to the amount of adrenaline we produce. This tickled my interest as I am exactly the opposite. I can get away with handling them (individually) without being stung. Not being the high strung type, it made sense.

Have you tried to resort to medication in reduced doses, to figure if it can take the edge of paranoia without the worst of the side-effects ? Sounds like some kind of haggling with the devil but some compromise may be reached to pacify everybody 🙂

Simona · ‎14-06-2016

Hello Starwolf : ) yes someone else had mentioned that to me before. Strange because I was feeling much better (stable) being daylight when it happened. It's late afternoons/night when things change. I seen my psych nurse and psychiatrist today. I showed them my throat. I thought the swelling was going down but it's still obvious I have been stung. I know they want to help me. I appreciate that. I really do but I'm unsure if they know the depth of my paranoia/belief system. They want me to even just try half of that wafer one that melt on the tongue. I told them I will try but it's paralysing. I'm being told it's what I need but a part of me feels intensely threatened and believes it to be slow poison = certain death /the diagnosis = a huge mistake/misunderstanding because there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just me. I can't stress enough how strongly I feel that. Sometimes like today I smile to myself and shake my head. I just don't understand how things ever got this far

Starwolf · ‎16-06-2016

Hi Simona,

Having worked with animals all my life, I can vouch for the sometimes annoying fact that they perceive in us things way too subtle to be noticed by us. They can sense/sniff out the slightest change in our chemical balance (affected by moods and feelings, conscious or subconscious)...while we clever humans don't have a clue.

I hope swelling and pain have eased.

I agree with you that there is a fine line between wariness and paranoia. One is justified, the other not. Being wary makes us cautious. Usually, it doesn't cause much distress. Just the uncomfortable feeling things are not quite right and that we must tread carefully. Paranoia causes great fear, even panic. It makes us feel awful and compels us to over-react in an unreasonable manner instead of responding thoughtfully to potential danger.

It is true that anti psychotic medication can have disquieting side effects. It tends to numb/restrain parts of us that are inclined to get out of control. So it dulls our edges. I think it is why you feel you are losing your sharpness. This doesn't mean it is poisoning your system and will lead to certain death. In my opinion, this is where paranoia takes over wariness.

Why not try to take 1/4 wafer and see how it feels ? It may work for you but you'll never know if you don't try it for size. It wouldn't take too long to realize whether it improves your lifestyle or not. Not a big, unreasonable risk. Perhaps worth taking. Just a thought on my mind that I am sharing with you. This is what I would do but I'm not you. The decision is -of course- yours only.

How much we can trust our feelings is open to debate. Sometimes they're bang on, sometimes totally off the mark. There were times when I felt guided by intuition...only to realize down the line that I had definitely been barking at the wrong tree. Humbling but enlightening 🙂

Guest_5218 · ‎21-06-2016

Hey Simona, I was just passing by and thought I'd drop in and see how you've been getting along since your last post just on a week ago. I was a little worried as its been so long since we've heard from you.

I hope you, your hubby, your kids and little Bandicoot are all doing well. Much love and best wishes are being sent your way.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎22-06-2016

Many nights I come here and just sit and read. I do feel empathy and I do care but I'm too unwell to communicate. I wish I could give back the support given to me but I just can't. I want you to know that Sherie. that I can feel still and that you are in my thoughts. I have cut my hair shorter because I was near tearing it out at night when I'm at my worst. Now my head is cold and I look like a boy from behind. my mother is ill in hospital and no-one even told me because they wanted to protect me. she was taken away by ambulance. iam terrified of being left behind. the thought of it makes me want to scream so loud. also im terrified of suffering and pain. yesterday my psych nurse rang to see if I was stable. I wasn't alone so I didn't tell her the details. I won't see her or my psychiatrist until after winter because it's too dangerous to fly she said. every day I have few showers and soap myself all over clean. I like to be really clean and smell good. I get tired then and so I sit down and come here to read. yes my family is ok and so is bandicoot. sometimes I can talk other times not because I just can't. I walk up and down the hallway at night while they sit in the lounge because I have to. but my partner does stop me from moving sometimes and touches my shoulders and looks into my eyes. He will ask how I am and I will either say IT'SBAD or I nod if I can't speak. sometimes he makes me smirk but theres nothing funny. I just smirk a lot some nights it's like a tick. I have 18 days of treatment left then I will try to detox from that strong medication. my psch nurse said it is the cause of my depression. I think that and winter.

Guest_1055 · ‎22-06-2016

Just want you to know that I care about Simona and I have been reading in your thread. There is no need to reply to me. You are free. But please will you receive my hug.

Love

Shell xx

Simona · ‎22-06-2016

Thank-you Shelley : ) I appreciate you

Starwolf · ‎23-06-2016

Hey Simona, good to read from you though I understand that right now you find posting too difficult.

18 days doesn't sound so bad but I know it feels to you like a long sentence. Hopefully it will have done some good and depression will gradually lift afterwards. I agree that depression is horrible, as it takes all joy and beauty our of life.

And yeah, winter doesn't help. Not my favorite season. In my opinion, Life feels way better with warmth and sunshine. Wouldn't it be great to curl up in some hollow log and hibernate ? Every year I celebrate the Solstice. Still a lot of freezing cold weather to come but at least, the year's shortest day is now behind us. Small mercy but still a blessing with a glimmer of hope attached !

You're bravely working through these difficult times so it's good to know your family is rallying around you and letting you know they care. Sometimes small gestures go a long way.

No need to reply. Knowing that you're still reading is enough...we're still in touch, that's all that matters.