In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. Yes you are a very honest person, and thats very important. I feel sure that you are right in that your psych nurse will be sad for you too. She obviously cares for you, as do all of us here on the Forums. And given that we really like and care for you, its understandable that we all have a genuine concern for you.

I know its a really hard thing to be ingesting these medications, these chemicals. I am finding that really hard at present also. I am not used to taking anything, and right now I am suddenly on 2 new meds which does not sit easily with me at all. However I think for a while at least, I am better to be on them. I wasnt coping very well on my own, and if these meds help me through a temporary rough patch, then perhaps its for the best. But it is a very personal thing, and everyone is different.

So I support your decision to stop the meds, because only you know how you are feeling. However, in saying this, I also know you need to stay in close contact with your GP, your psych nurse and your psych. Will you reassure me by saying that you will do this - please?

Please take good care of yourself Simona, and your family also.

Hugs ....

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Sherie : ) Please don't worry. I want you to be happy for me because I'm happy. God made me how I am with this strange wiring and i want to live my life with feelings. And i don't want to be alOne. I'm happy though others sad/concerned. Maybe they can see the end. I don't expect everyone to understand or support my choice. But I'm at peace with it in the heart. Yes. I will still see the important people. I'm still undergoing treatment for my blood. About a months worth still ahead of me. I have no appetite and i don't care much to eat. I'm unsure if my psyche nurse will still want to attend to me though. If i refuse antipsychotics maybe that's when the relationship ends. I'm not sure how it works. Thank you for your hugs and support Sherie : ) It really means a lot to me.

[Guest_1055]

Hi there dear Simona

I have been reading your thread and have decided to speak up and say hello to you.

I don't know much about medications and how they are supposed to work and such. But I do know about the feeling of having a peace within ones own heart.

Anyway I wanted to send you some love and a hug.

Much kindness

Shelley xx

[Guest_5218]

Simona, I understand what you are saying. I agree with you that we need to 'feel' and to be permitted to express our unique personality. I do hope that your psych nurse continues to maintain contact with you. Surely their duty is to stand by and support you, to the best of their ability, despite any disput on treatment options? At the end of the day the choice of treatment should by your choice, and you have made that choice.

I'm pleased to hear that you are continuing the blood disorder treatment, hopefully the remaining month will go quickly. Perhaps afterwards you will feel better physically which will probably help you emotionally as well.

You are a very unique and wonderful person Simona and, as Shelley says, I hope you are at peace within yourself. Let the real, beautiful you, shine through Simona.

A heartfelt hug to you on this very wet and soggy Sunday. Keep well ........

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona, thank you for keeping us posted...

The decision to live with psychosis rather than the medication was yours only to make. It is a very important one and I trust you can manage your situation without it. I hope those around you will understand the choice you have made.

It will be interesting to see if the psych nurses's support was dependent on whether you persisted with the med or not. Let's hope the relationship is not over as you seemed to enjoy the rapport you had with her.

Peace of mind and happiness are all I wish for you.

[Simona]

I have seen my pych nurse and psychiatrist (briefly). I'm to be seen every week now. I was told I must take one of the medications because I'm depressed and having bad thoughts. This is more prolific through the day when I'm alone. Night times are difficult in a different way. The dark affects my mood. I did end up taking 1 antipsychotic yesterday night due to my psych nurse's insistence but I woke up with very low blood pressure again and nausea. This re-enforced my paranoia about being poisoned. I will not take it again. The treatment for my blood disorder is keeping me stable despite being the most probable cause of my depression along with winter. I'm almost finished and come October will find out if I'm in remission/cured. I'm not going to screw this up now.

[Starwolf]

Good to know your progress is still being monitored in spite of your decision to stop taking anti psychotics. I'm wondering if an alternative could be found that doesn't have these dreadful side-effects. Wouldn't it be good to have something at hand if/when you feel a need for it without fearing negative consequences... But I guess this has already been discussed with your therapists ?

So the blood disorder treatment is now nearly out of the way...good news, Simona. You're doing the right thing by seeing this through to the end. Fingers crossed October will bring a positive outcome. You sooo deserve a break.

Anything exciting planned for the long week-end ? Whatever you do or don't, I hope you enjoy it.

[Simona]

Hello Star ; ) Well I have plenty of tranquilizers but i have to be very desperate to touch them. There have been times i should have (so iv'e been told) but the paranoia takes hold of me and i just can't. Today i seen my caseworker. It's fortnightly now and she'll be wrapping things up shortly and moving on. She appears to be satisfied with my progress and can see that I'm a good and capable parent. I think i may even miss her. I like sitting down with her in the café and just pretending she's a friend. Like i want people to think that. Much like i enjoy my psch nurse walking with me as we sip our coffee except last time we just stayed in the room because i was sad and crying for myself. It's nice to be amongst people sometimes. Through the day it's very tricky because some ideas i get are plain bad and not good for company. And despite all this i feel like my diagnosis is a mistake. I don't feel mentally ill at all just depressed. I feel like.....myself. That this is just my personality and that the medication is designed to change/destroy me and my many talents like my acute hearing.

No. nothing planned this weekend. There will be too many people in town. I don't really make plans i just come up with ideas and do them. Hope you too have an enjoyable weekend : ) I'll just be keeping warm i think and maybe checking out the online sales.

[Kazzl]

Hi Simona - we haven't chatted for a while but I want you to know I'm still here for you too hun. I read your thread to check up on you fairly often because I care about you and respect you heaps. I'm glad the blood treatment is going OK and that you've got good people around you. I really respect that you are so active in your own treatment too, you're the one who knows how you feel, but at the same time I can see you're open to the views of the professionals you're working with. Ultimately though, it's your call, your right.

I wish you a peaceful weekend hun, with lots of good bargains! Let us know how you get on.

Love from your fellow bargain fashionista, Kaz.

xx

[Starwolf]

Hi dear one,

It seems you have a sharp awareness of what is going on both within yourself and in the outer world. I am a staunch advocate (!) of befriending personal demons and working WITH them. No point in fighting a pointless, exhausting war or trying to suppress whatever it is we're up against. Being able to harness this power and shift it on your side is a great advantage. Of course, every situation is different and requires a different approach.

Though in my experience it is sometimes necessary to silence disruptive inner howling with a firm hand. Repression has its uses...but it is fraught with danger. This is why it should be resorted to thoughtfully, if all else fails. As mentioned before, I do think you are juggling it all with courage and awareness. I feel confident that you will manage to find balance in this turmoil.

And by the way...I think you would make a terrific friend.