In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Starwolf · ‎14-05-2016

Another down on the roller coaster ride, hey....but it's good news about cutting down the med.

Being off work must be upsetting after such a good effort. Hopefully, your bp will climb up again and you'll soon be able to get back on track. This medication thing is all about finding the right balance for you. Unfortunately it is only found by trial and error. Quite frustrating until the right note is hit...

As for judging yourself, please give yourself a break. There's a potential monster lurking in all of us. But it is not us. Sometimes it assumes temporary control when illness or major upsets weaken us. It doesn't mean we should identify with it. Just like storm clouds are not the clear sky behind them. They only hide it for a while.

Reading your posts (and between their lines), I can assure you that all I see is a thoroughly good person courageously battling her own demons -like we all are- and claiming victory upon victory. Bad people don't want to be good, they're not concerned about the way they affect those around them. Bad people don't have your big heart and sensitivity.

Hope you have a fun, peaceful, sunny week-end.

Simona · ‎15-05-2016

i just want you all to know how much I'm trying. because ia m. and that I just can't help it I'm just going to sit here and try to breathe/centre myself. i'm reading your posts and trying to anchor.

Kazzl · ‎15-05-2016

Hi Simona, my fellow fashionista. We haven't spoken for a while. I just wanted to pop in and give you a hug and tell you I care about you hun. I can see, we can all see, just how hard you're trying. Breathe hun, sit quietly, breathe and relax. We're sitting here with you.

Kaz

xx

Starwolf · ‎16-05-2016

Kazz is right, we're all aware of how brave, determined and resilient you are. We have nothing but respect for you.

Let's hope halving your medication will work and that faintness disappears. Fingers crossed your next talk with the psych nurse will help figure out how to improve your lifestyle. Medication affects all of us differently so its use must be tailored to our needs without losing effect on its target. Quite a juggling act...

Sitting here quietly, relaxation music on to try anchor down an hyperactive dog (the young hoon in this profile photo). K9 ADHD does exist and this youngster is badly affected. It's OK if I just sit quietly but as soon as I push back the chair, he's off barking/whining, climbing walls and trees again ! A 4 legged lesson on how to remain in the eye of the cyclone. I guess I should be grateful... 🙂

I hope this new week will bring more peace and stability to you. The odd roller coaster ride may be a thrill but it's nice to get off and sit down a while on something that doesn't move !

Guest_5218 · ‎16-05-2016

Hi Simona,

I just wanted to remind you that I am here for you if you want to talk anytime. I do care about you, and I know you are a really good person trying your best to get through a really tough period in your life. If I can somehow help you get through this time, then I would gladly do whatever is in my power to do so.

Please take care Simona, and keep in touch with your psych nurse if you ever need to. She is there for you, and since you seem to have developed a good deal of trust in her, you should let her help you whenever you need it.

I am thinking of you Simona. Hi also to Doggo! As well as a pat for little Bandicoot. Love to you .....

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎17-05-2016

So I begin taking an extra anti psychotic as of tomorrow. This one I had before but had to quit due to severe agitation. I will have to take a new medication with it that will target that side. And I had my 1st labs to see how 'treatment' is working so here's hoping. They had problems with my blood flow. It just didn't want to come and when it did it was very slow

I had a very rough weekend and my OCD is back in full swing due to feeling extremely manic. I have 4 hrly showers and brush brush brush my hair. Quit for 10 then repeat. So distraught. Partner was distraught for me and just kept me under guard. I really just wanted to be put out of my misery and actually had some scary thoughts that i swear weren't mine and visions that tormented me by the minute.

Doggo is in the car boot. I will pat Bandicoot for you Sherie. She hasn't been on a walk since last week because I'm too unwell. I don't even feel like playing with her. I can hardly eat but I'm trying to rather snack than think of main meals. LOve to you all : )

Simona · ‎17-05-2016

how I miss my life

Starwolf · ‎19-05-2016

Hi Simona,

I understand how frustrating it is to be putting so much courageous work into something and having to wait so long for improvement. Life being put on hold is no good feeling...There's always light at the end of the longest tunnel, but sometimes a curve in the path hides it.

I sooo hope the right med balance will soon be found to put you back on track. Your family is rallying around you so having this support must bring a bit of comfort at this difficult time. I'm glad you're not facing those hurdles alone.

Knowing those disturbing thoughts are not yours makes it easier for you to delete them. They're trespassers that must be sent packing. I trust you know way better than being fooled by them.

I wish I had a magic wand and more to offer than my staunch belief in you.

Here for you.

Kazzl · ‎19-05-2016

I'm here too Simona. Xxx

Guest_5218 · ‎19-05-2016

Hi Simona,

Sorry I havent got back to you for a couple of days. I hope you are feeling better today than you were last time you posted? You sounded very down in your last posts on Tuesday.

I think you were due to start a new anti-psychotic med from yesterday. Have you seen any effects yet - good or bad? I am about to start new medication myself tonight, and I'm not looking forward to it. Its a drug they use for ptsd-related nightmares and sleep disturbances. So I guess I have some idea of how you feel with needing to take more meds. Its hard .. I know. And OCD is awful, I only have it relatively mild and mostly I can keep it under wraps. It really only seems to get a hold of me when my ptsd symptoms get bad, and then it becomes a distraction thing.

Simona I am pleased that your partner is keeping an eye on you while you are feeling so unwell. You are being cared for because you are such a wonderful, caring, intelligent and good person. Never forget that. Once they get your medication mix right, you will start to feel more like yourself again.

Oh, poor Doggo - being relegated to the boot of the car! But I do like the new close up profile pic of Doggo. Nice. I hope you are soon able to regain your appetite and energy, which will enable you to get out and about more again. I'm sure little Bandicoot will appreciate that, as well as it being good for you to get out as well.

I'm sorry you have not been well enough to get back to work again. I gather from your previous posts that you were enjoying it. So hopefully you'll be back again real soon.

Thanks so much Simona for your post to my thread earlier today. That is so very thoughtful of you. You are a very kind and good lady. I dont know why you ever doubt that fact Simona.

I expect you wont be missing your old life for much longer. You will soon turn the corner to better health and happiness. I have great faith in you Simona.

Love and a hug to you ....... because I care and because I appreciate you - a good woman indeed.

Sherie xx