In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Starwolf]

Wow, that was a lucky escape ! Not so good for the old blood pressure...I once lived around Sydney for a while and had to be mindful of Funnel Webs while digging in the garden. Never came across a Red-Headed sort though, so thanks for the info. It is too cold for them in winter where I am now but there's a lot of Redbacks and Whitebacks.

Psychs are bound to secrecy re their patients. They would be in heaps of trouble if guilty of indiscretions. All the best for this new venture.

[Simona]

So...here is an update.

After having had my psych coffee date last week I'm now only to be seen fortnightly AND i can take the 1 low strength antipsychotic only. The 2nd one which i loathe is like only for emergency purposes when I'm really struggling. Now night times can* be tricky but i deep breathe and have a shower/preen myself : distract. Just keep focusing on other things like trash on internet/ebay (i love the zoom feature). Internet shopping. I fill my cart and get high but i don't actually check out unless it's something i REALLY need like soap/hair stuff. because it's hard to be a woman sometimes .

[Starwolf]

What great news ! After all you've been through and the courage you've displayed through it all, I think this lucky break is much deserved. Kudos to you.

I'm over the moon for you so thanks for keeping us posted. Having more control over the meds must be a relief, way better for you, physically and emotionally.

Love the new profile pic. Doggo looks like a cool dude, someone easy to travel with.

Have a terrific day.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. Sorry I have neglected you a little over the past few days. Had a few issues to deal with myself.

Your post of yesterday does sound like fantastic news however, giving control to you on the meds.

But mostly I am writing to say I really like Doggo! Isnt he beautiful? I'm sure Bandicoot is more beautiful, but I understand with her being such a celebrity around your town, that you cant put her on here without risking identification of yourself.

I'm so happy for you Simona, as finally it looks like things are going your way for a change. (-:

And Star - you have a new profile photo too I see. Can you introduce us to this particular K9?

Sherie xx

[Simona]

well I haven't been too well. Feeling really alone. I don't want to grow old like this. I don't want to be an old crazy lady trapped inside the head and going weird/paranoid at night. seems to me the only way I can get respite from one hell is by finding myself in a different kind; the medicated kind where I'm good for nothing/nobody because I'm that hammered out of my mind. and even still, night comes and I feel IT. I use to lOVE night. now I fear it. and I can't even go to work to distract. that's because my blood pressure is low and I'm too weak/unwell. been thinking about a lot of stuff

1. getting my motorbike licence though partner scoffed at me 2. leaving my family and going away. I punched the wall and threatened someone and screamed like banshee so I think I should leave soon 3. I don't hurt myself because I'm in middle of treatment and I don't want to look like a complete screw-up. this takes a lot of will power/lot of thought

[Simona]

how does one become a GOOD person? I want to be good. I want to be known for my goodness if I can't be good I'd rather not be remembered/thought of at all. here I am sick. I should really just ought to shut up and pack up for hell. healthy body don't matter if you're crazy anyway

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. I'm sorry you are having another bad couple of days. And you'd been so good lately too, making terrific progress. Do you think it may be time to take that 2nd medication that you have control to take when you feel like you need it for emergencies? You really dont sound well at all today.

How does one become a GOOD person you ask? Thats a tough one, and it depends on who is doing the judging. If I were the judge I would say that you are already a GOOD person Simona. I know that because of what I have read of you and what you have told us about yourself. I know that in your heart, and most of your deeds, you are a truly good person Simona. We always judge ourselves very harshly Simona, and that is what you are doing to yourself.

When do you see your therapist or mental health person next? Is it possible to phone them and have a talk to them about how you are feeling right now?

I am sorry you are struggling at the moment Simona, and I really wish you well. You ARE a GOOD person.

I am thinking of you with much affection and concern Simona, and wishing you well again.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

I'm judging myself because i switch into a monster within seconds. i say really bad things too and try to provoke partner as i walk past. but he knows me so he gives me no attention or just keeps saying YES as i keep repeating myself. he doesn't give in so i go and shove a chair instead. but sometimes like yesterday i come up with all these good ideas and he just can't give me 1 speck of enthusiasm. i see my psyche nurse next week. yes i have rang her she told me to try halving the wafer because a full one knocks me around/drops my blood pressure further

when I'm better i will type more. thank-you Sherie

[Simona]

anyhow, i did speak to my psych nurse today and she told me to just half the dose of that other med. because i had taken a full dose 2 days ago and it affected my already low blood pressure so i felt very faint and it was scary. i will see her next Wednesday. thank-you for your care and encouragement Sherie . i will with hope have a better day tomorrow.

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona,

It is good that you are staying in touch with your psych nurse. You must trust her, and that is the ideal situation.

I hope the half dose works better for you. It is a bit scary when you are dealing with dizziness and feeling faint. I occasionally get that feeling too when the BP gets quite low.

Yes I also hope you have a much better day today.

I'm always here Simona, any time you feel like talking.

Sherie xx