In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎06-04-2016

Well I was* a disgrace but they got me in the stable now. HA : )

Graceeeeee · ‎06-04-2016

Don't worry Simona you are a gem! Glad to see you've still got your humour intact tho, wow always so lovely to see you!! 🙂

I'm thinking of you Simona, hope you get to go home soon... Sending out big virtual hugs to you and I'm sure your family is thinking of you as well, take care and sweet dreams xxxx 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

Simona · ‎07-04-2016

Hullo : )

I'm typing this from the outside having been discharged into care of a team. I'm feeling bent and not my normal self. I'm on this adhd pill. I feel like......?? I don't know anymore. I was up till 2am bouncing around and trying to fight it's stupefying effects. I miss my fellow comrades in the mhu. There were hugs and it pained me say goodbye. For the 1st time in real time I was amongst people who I could relate to. People who 'got' me and accepted me. Now I'm home and I see that my partner has been meddling with our bank accounts. I have limited access and I'm feeling irritated and betrayed. I already rang him at work but my tongue was still half asleep and I slurred like some drunk. He's put me on some allowance. Limited access. Control. How am I supposed to drive into town? I can't just sit here while life slips by. What kind of a life is that? I suppose I should practice some gratitude and learn to knit/make jam/rake grass. NOT. I'm just NOT that kind of person. I'm into action/adventure.

Thank-you for all the support. I'm feeling very lost. One part of me wants to live and take the medication but the other wants to burn out like a sparkler. Please be REST ASSURED I am not upset enough to do something. I'm just venting ok.

Starwolf · ‎07-04-2016

Hi Simona,

Venting is cool. That's what these forums are for.

Good to know you have regained some measure of freedom and are back in familiar surroundings. That's great news. You must have missed your children and they must have missed you.

Your loved ones have been terrified by your "disappearance". The last thing they want is for the panic it caused to happen again. It is still all very raw in their memory. I think it will ease off if they realize you're unlikely to "re-offend". They love you and need to know you are safe. I guess their confidence has been shaken. It will pass if there are no more escapades or dramas to reinforce their fear.

I know it sounds frustrating but it seems the only way out of imposed restrictions is to show they're unnecessary. It may be a gradual process. I'm confident you'll work it out. Meanwhile, your creative mind will keep you occupied within the allowed boundaries. Hang in there, Simona...

I wish you as good a day as possible. Thinking of you as always.

Simona · ‎07-04-2016

Thank you Starwolf : ) oh I'm so so sad. Yes I'm grateful to be home with my precious family. I'm just terrified of the slow mo free-fall into madness. Because I feel like I'm going mad like my dad because they got me down as schizo affective disordered. I'm so mournful today. I'm ever glad the children are here. next week I need to see my psych nurse. I have no appetite and the medication is giving me terrifying nightmares. I was up at 3-5am and staggering around down the hallway to see my children and having weird conversations in my head. I really want to see if I can get back on the anti psychotics I was on at 23. This one is tripping me out big time.

Thank-you for the well wishes. It's most appreciated . I will try to have a good day.

Starwolf · ‎07-04-2016

Hey Simona, the good thing is you have been diagnosed. Schizophrenia can be managed, these days better than in the past.

Watching your Dad lose his grip on sanity must have been a traumatic heartbreak. It doesn't mean the same will happen to you. We're all different, heredity on its own cannot be relied on to predict the future. Too many other elements are at play. Besides, medical science advances in leaps and bounds from one generation to the next.

It might take a few attempts before the right med for you is found. If what you were on in the past worked for you, I would definitely let your therapist know. These days, there are alternatives...a big step forward.

I hope you can enjoy your children and keep negativity at bay. Please remember that most of the scary scenarios we concoct in our heads never happen in reality.

Graceeeeee · ‎07-04-2016

Hey dear Simona!!

Are you feeling a bit better now? Sorry to hear about all the struggles you've been through in the past few days, I feel your pain, I'm also glad you found those precious people who you can really relate too 🙂 And I can imagine it must've been so painful saying goodbye, here are some hugs to you dear Simona I hope you will get through this ok! XXX

And venting is good, really good! I can tell you are in to action and adventure, sorry to hear you've got limited access but I still laughed at your humour, what a gem you are 🙂

Hope you will reunite with your whole family soon, especially your adorable young children, you are all lucky to have each other and you deserve each other, hopefully you'll be able to catch up with your amazing art work when you get back 🙂 Thinking of you always, hope you have a restful sleep tonight!!

With Love,

Grace xx

Simona · ‎08-04-2016

Hullo Grace : ) I am HOME now. At this point in time I'm in the stable by the hour. I AM hoping their sombre verdict of the schizoid defective disorder is actually just a seasonal madness that will pass. I just hope it's like the flu or something. I will treat it and then I can stop it and be my normal self again and go back to my wire project. Now, I am aware that my normal is probably not YOUR normal but I have mentioned previously: I am not a TV biscuit person. I like to be on the move and I don't eat in front of the TV. I eat in front of kitchen sink and now I have to take this minty wafer on the tongue in front of partner who likes to make sure it goes down the gorlo. It's after 5.38pm and it's already started. It's all to do with the shorter days and the creeping afternoon shadows. Soon the scratching starts and it's not the itchy kind. It's the auditory variety. Simona XX

Simona · ‎11-04-2016

The CT scan and EEG have come back absolutely normal. Still taking the anti psychotic medication although I hope to be told soon I can stop. I mean, the psychosis is over. I shouldn't need to keep taking it. This will be bought up tomorrow when I see my psych nurse. The one thing I do like about the medicine is that it makes me feel phenomenally wired with hours upon hours of vroom vroom. I have been power walking like a madman every day for 2 hour stints and trying to rack up some impressive mileage over sandy turf/semi rocky terrain while fighting off clouds of those shitty little bush flies.

Guest_5218 · ‎11-04-2016

Hi Simona,

Hey, its great to hear that you are feeling much better. And is always lovely to read your posts to us all.

Oh gosh, arent those pesky little bush flies annoying! You almost have to peel them out of the corners of your eyes, they are that 'sticky'. So I know exactly what you are talking about there.

Gee you have been full of vim havent you? All that energetic exercise you have been getting. Although its not going to help with putting any extra meat on your bones. Being already underweight, I hope you are eating enough to compensate for the extra activity that you have been doing?

Have you been taking Bandicoot on these walks with you? I'll be she missed you while you were away in hospital too. Although I expect your children and hubby would have taken good care of her in your absence.

So glad Simona that you sound as though you are so much better. Good to see. Those doctors and nurses must know what they're doing after all. ( - :

Sherie xx